Return to Riverside
by restfulsky5
Summary: Immediately following the five year mission of the Enterprise, a devastated Jim Kirk resigned and was not seen by his crew for eighteen months. Now his dumb luck has run out. They have found him - but is it too late? More is at stake than they realize. A second chance at love for Jim & Carol. Sequel to Escape Artist. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.

Author's Note: First things first...thank you, DLB48, for your fabulous help. ;)

I really don't know how to introduce this story. It's a mixture of crazy, romance, and heartache. TOS fans, you'll understand soon enough. If you're not a TOS fan, you may want to look up a certain name after you read this chapter. It is, in essence, the twist I'm throwing right at you in the beginning...twisted and then twisted some more to fit the 2009 ST alternate universe.

This chapter is a bit painful. Just a warning. This whole story is a bit heart-wrenching but bittersweet. There are many obstacles to overcome.

Chapter One occurs six to seven months prior to the end of the five-year mission. This is the same universe as my first story, Escape Artist, so there will be a few references to its content. Chapter Two will begin as the summary suggests.

Thank you for reading!

* * *

Ten tiny fingers to touch, a slight wail to penetrate the silence, and pale hair to tickle a new mother's face. She was enrapturing, this baby. Not cleansed yet from the birth experience, but wrapped in a simple cloth. Carol fussed over her newborn while the world around her crashed. She could think of nothing else but her child.

She thought of the name Jim had chosen. Lucy. It was precious, elegant, like gold, but simple. It fit her like a glove. Jim will be so proud.

"Go," a woman rasped at her. "You need...to leave."

Carol looked up in a daze at the woman who just gave birth to Carol's daughter. Somehow, Carol had assisted the woman to deliver her own baby. A dream? "I...I can't. Jim."

He was coming sometime. He had to be. Carol had commed him earlier before she went into labor. The Enterprise knew where they were. Now, Carol wanted to show Jim their daughter. She was absolutely perfect.

"She's alive.." the woman weakly motioned to where Dr. Lester lay motionless. "The hypospray I gave her... didn't kill her yet."

Carol's face felt too warm so she pulled down the covering on her face. It was the same covering Dr. Lester's nurses and medical assistants each wore. They were single women in a medical field and their culture required it. As she pulled it down, she felt a few ridges on her face. It confused her but then the child in her arms fussed.

A chill entered the air. The sunset began on this planet to which Dr. Lester had brought Carol. Lucy whimpered. Carol tucked the blanket closer around her daughter as they stood under Dr. Lester's partially roofed medical facility. Its shelter was limited, although it had three rooms. She patted her newborn bundle fondly, not quite understanding what had happened. Hadn't she had one more month until her due date?

Then she saw her own skin as her hand comforted her baby. It was not pale. It was tanned skin.

"You have to go," the woman ordered her again. Carol looked up at her in bewilderment. That was herself talking. No. That wasn't right. Carol had just given birth to this precious child of hers and Jim.

Dr. Lester stirred. Her eyes fluttered and she spoke incoherent words. Carol remembered Dr. Lester coaxing her to look at an area of interest in her makeshift lab and then experiencing tingling throughout her body.

"What...what happened?" She asked the woman who looked just like her.

"Dr. Lester...she developed a device that switches life sources...I pushed her away so you would be me and not her. So she... would be herself...and not you. She doesn't... deserve a chance with ...your husband."

"Is that why she brought me here?"

All this time, Dr. Lester befriending Carol. Dr. Lester wanted Jim to herself.

The woman nodded. "It caused...preterm labor. I'm...dying. You would be, if we hadn't...switched."

Carol's heart stopped. "How do you know that?"

The woman grimaced. "I'm a medical assistant. I know. Now, a bit of... my knowledge will be within your grasp."

"My own memories?" Oh God. Her and Jim. She could not forget about him.

"They're safe. But you'll struggle...seeing mine as well. I'm...so sorry."

Carol was, too. The woman before her had tried to make the best of things. She saved Carol's life. Now, that woman was dying.

"Go. Tell...the other nurses. They'll understand." The woman gasped in her agony and Carol knelt down, automatically knowing to take a certain hypospray from a medic bag and shoot it into the woman's neck. Pain killer. Carol took stock of the woman's internal injuries. Indeed, she had gained the medical knowledge of the Ikaaran woman.

"Thank...you." The woman eyes were closing. She grasped at Carol's hand. "Go."

"No, not yet." Carol's tears went unhindered. "Shhh...Jim loves you."

She would comfort this woman the best way she knew how. It hurt, oh how it hurt, but she owed this woman so much.

The woman shook her head. "Don't say that.."

"He does love you. Please, take comfort in that." Carol could not do much but she could help this woman feel loved as she died in her stead. She grasped the woman's hand. "If you can see my memories, embrace them."

Dr. Lester's once friendly voice interrupted. "I sent a distress call to the Enterprise." Lester hissed the words and blood spilled from her lips. Carol jerked up, baby still in hand.

"They'll be looking for the Ikaaran woman who tried to kidnap Captain Kirk's baby and kill his wife's doctor. When she dies," Dr. Lester motioned weakly to the woman who was in Carol's body, "your husband will not stop hunting you down."

"Carol," another nurse entered the room."Your husband's ship has already arrived. They'll be after you, all of us. We have to go."

"Go," the woman dying said her last word. Carol could not leave her child. Jim would never forgive her. She was needed here, wasn't she?

"They're here. You can't take her where we're going." The nurse took Carol's newborn from her arms and placed her in the arms of the dead woman. Carol protested, even as the aching horror of the situation unfolded. "Your husband will watch over her. Your life is at stake. Someday, you can return."

Someday. The nurse's monotone voice did not impress her into belief. Carol had been married to Jim for four years. She knew him. Jim would not get over this, not for a long time. If ever.

In his grief, he would hate every single Ikaaran woman he ever met.

Forever.

Lucy slept in the arms of a dead stranger, though the body was that of Lucy's mother, Carol. Infuriated voices came nearer, some she recognized but now feared. One voice belonged to the man she loved.

Dr. Lester still stared at Carol, though her life was ending soon. Now, Dr. Lester pointed a phaser at Carol.

Her hope of explaining things crashed. Lucy beckoned, and Carol gave her child one last look.

The other Ikaaran woman pleaded with Carol to leave with them.

Carol made the most difficult choice she ever made and would make in her entire life. She ran from her husband and child.

* * *

The coordinates Dr. Lester gave in her distress call were far from perfect. Jim, Spock, and Bones had three miles to cover in order to reach Lester's facility. The terrain, friendly in its pure flatness, allowed the trio a fast pace. A luminous sun bloated the horizon even as it set. Light would leave the planet in two hours, but that was plenty of time to get to Carol and their baby.

Jim was a father.

He ran with that as his mantra. He was a father. A father. The universe changed things for him yet again and would not allow him to be present for his baby's birth. It goaded him. His own father did not see his own birth, but unlike him, Jim would see his child.

If, in fact, the Ikaaran women left without the baby as Dr. Lester said. They'd all been incredibly friendly towards Carol and Jim, showing their own happiness for the Captain and his wife. Jim cursed himself for not seeing through the facade.

Their child would know its father. Jim refused to dwell on whether the kidnapping would actually occur. He ran faster to Carol and their child. Dr. Lester failed to mention whether Carol had given birth to a girl or boy, a surprise the parents both desired at the baby's birth.

"I'm a father," he whispered. He pumped his legs and arms faster, catching up to Spock. He'd let Spock go ahead. It would be safer. "Spock, go. We're right behind you."

"Captain, I should wait for you," Spock protested. "It is indeed unfortunate that shielding surrounding Dr. Marus' location prevented us from transporting closer to it."

"If they get away with my child...I will catch them...and kill them." Kidnapping his child, after he grew up without a father? Without a loving mother? It infuriated him. No way would Jim let them live.

Spock's eyebrows shot up. "Captain, I prefer to stay with you. I will remain one half minute ahead of you and then assess the perimeter."

"Yes, Commander...you will." Someone's survival depended upon the priceless value of each minute. He felt it in his gut. The Vulcan's speed increased and Spock distanced himself from Jim.

Spock would reach Dr. Lester's facility before he would. Jim trusted his first officer in all.

"Jim, I want you to be ready for what the baby may need ...when we get there. Jaundiced..." McCoy kept in time with Jim.

"Yeah...Carol was up on all that...just in case." Jim had been too. More than Carol. A fact he kept mainly to himself, letting her feel the joy of showering him with all her knowledge.

Premature birth on a barely discovered planet?

What the hell had Dr. Lester been thinking? Jim hoped the woman would recover from her injuries nonetheless. Carol, not showing signs of any oncoming labor, deemed it a beautiful chance to have some time to herself and see the research Lester mentioned. The morning and afternoon was when she'd commed Jim. For the most part, Carol had been spent lounging and conversing with amiable company. Carol deserved to relax and be fascinated by research, but not what was happening now. Never.

Jim's running faltered. Carol. He was so busy thinking of his new child. He almost stopped but Bones pulled him along.

"Jim, you have to keep going. We're almost there."

"Carol."

"Jim...she's probably fine...Dr. Lester didn't mention her."

Jim couldn't move his legs now. They were leaden.

"That is what worries me." Jim jogged while Bones kept pulling. "Carol. How is Carol?"

"Jim, snap out of it." Bones yelled in his face. "She'll need you, Jim...you have to run. Stop this jogging shit. Who are you...Chekov?"

McCoy's shouts fueled the returning power. "She'll be fine, right Bones?"

"Jim, she's your wife. You've both been through more than anyone."

Bones always reminded Jim that Carol was the next crazy in line after Jim because she married him. Jim pulled plenty of stunts as they struggled to keep their relationship going in the beginning. After their marriage, things kept hitting them.

She was strong, but this, this was nothing she should go through alone.

The building in sight, Jim began screaming her name.

"Carol!"

Bones joined in calling for Dr. Marcus.

Jim narrowed his eyes as the flat land became rolls of hills behind the building. His heart beat erratically. Hiding and escaping in those hills would not be difficult. Damn the planet's radiation. Their sensors and transporters would not work properly now. Spock turned the corner and ran back towards them.

"Captain, I found six pairs of footprints headed into the hills." Spock met them at the side.

"There were six Ikaaran women with them today." Jim blanched. "Carol!"

He tore into the open facility, mindless of what he was doing. The first room made his skin crawl with its emptiness. "Carol," he choked out, fearing the silence.

Jim stood in the doorway of the second room, the red sky in sight as the roof parted. Everything in the room was red. Dr. Lester's mouth bubbled the unnatural color. Her glassy eyes stared at the blazing sky. Beyond Dr. Lester lay Carol.

All was lifeless and and pale, except for the baby slumbering in his wife's arms, wrapped in a scarlet blanket, and red spilling from Carol's body.

Someone slipped past Jim through the door and knelt beside her body. Then another person rushed past him. Spock and Bones were with Carol. Jim wanted to go to her, too, but he couldn't move.

"Jim, I'm sorry. She's dead." Bones looked up at Jim sorrowfully.

Jim sank to his knees, weeping. The baby awoke, sending little cries along with her father's.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: So here we are, eighteen months after the five-year mission and Jim's disappearance. Two years after the birth of his child. Two years after the author threw a curveball at Jim & Carol's relationship all in the name of angst, romance, and storytelling. Thank you for reading and for the favs, reviews, and follows! DLB48, thank you for the wonderful beta assistance!

* * *

The Shipyard Bar still claimed the activity it had a decade prior, lacking no customers this early autumnal Friday evening. Not only that, but the horizon had not changed terribly much as Uhura and several of the bridge crew rode into Riverside. This particular city of Iowa was brimming with flat land, cornfields, shuttle rides, and building of starships, as usual. It thrilled her- the buzz of people, neon lights, even the smell drifting from the cornfields. She'd met many of her friends here who had made the Academy a full experience. Although most of those friends had perished by the hand of Nero, Uhura fondly pictured them all as they were here gathering for laughter before their adventure in space. Uhura recognized Lew, the bartender, though he sported even less hair now. His joviality blended with the young Starfleet recruits sitting in front of him. Whatever tale he was scrounging up, it amused the cadets, and they gave him their full attention.

Uhura sat back in her chair, noting that Spock had not yet found a comfort level in this environment. She smiled at him across the table and he all but glared. Yes, Uhura did drag him here. She'd wanted to reminisce here before leaving in a few days after the conference. This place made her think of Jim, in a good way. She frowned as she remembered Spock knew this place, too, from melding with Jim the first year of the five-year mission.

"I'm sorry," she mouthed, and his gaze morphed into a blend of sorrow and grief. Spock had not been the same since Kirk had resigned and left the Enterprise and Starfleet eighteen months ago, and now Uhura had unintentionally added to the pain her boyfriend was experiencing.

She was such an idiot to not think of the much-suppressed human side of Spock this evening.

Uhura couldn't tell the rest that, nor that it strangely warmed her own heart to be here, close to the captain they'd tried so hard to find. Although they all knew this, excepting Bria'lel, none of them had the courage to mention that this was their former captain's hometown. It plagued their minds. All seven passengers had been reduced to silence as they saw Riverside. It was a place he'd never return to, surely, after all the education they had on his abusive, father-less, and practically mother-less childhood.

Her shipmates, her friends, were huddled around the small table. Spock did not relax against the back of his own chair. His arms were steady and stiff on the table. Uhura ordered him a nonalcoholic Cardassian Sunrise, but it was untouched. He was also sandwiched between Scotty and Chekov, his back towards the door, and forced to hear their increased chatter. He came here for her but Uhura hated that she was putting him through hell.

She twirled her hair, knowing Spock could hardly help himself when she did that.

It worked.

His attention on her twiddling fingers and the shining glory that was hers, as he called it, she kept thinking of all she remembered of this place. And it didn't make her sad, for once. She smiled to herself, then, as she thought of Kirk's arrogance and utter desire for her first name. It had been quite the initiation to a sister-brother relationship she'd never had.

It was imperative for Uhura to be aware of everyone coming in or out of the bar so she'd promptly claimed the seat she preferred. After that fistfight Jim had with Cupcake and the others, Uhura never entered a bar without a greater sense of caution. Sulu sat on her left, and they bonded the first few minutes as they compared drinks from their days as cadets.

McCoy and his half-human, half-Ikaaran medical assistant, Bria'lel, sat on Uhura's right, furthest away from the entrance. Bria'lel was a quiet woman with tanned skin, dark hair, and petite features. She was absolutely beautiful with that distinguishing Ikaaran mark on her forehead and Uhura could not figure out why in the world McCoy had never asked her out. In fact, Bria'lel herself had not shown a romantic awareness for the darkly handsome doctor, though they were constantly at the hip. Bria'lel seemed a lost puppy at times, almost afraid of her own shadow. She was extremely smart and a definitive asset to the Enterprise. Perhaps McCoy needed that, since his best friend had left suddenly, silently, and cruelly.

Uhura may never forgive Jim for that. Uhura would never forgive Jim for leaving Spock, either.

"Bria'lel, have you been to Earth before?" Uhura claimed the time to learn more about their newest crew member. Enough thinking about their lost captain who was making certain his crew would never find him.

"I have," Bria'lel said. "As a child." Even this she said timidly. Uhura would have to get her out of her shell to survive the normalcy of the Enterprise. It seemed at least with Spock as captain the craziness was a bit subdued compared to Kirk controlling the coveted ship.

"To a growing city? Or a pitiful vast area of nothingness, like this place?" McCoy chugged his whiskey. "No wonder Jim left."

Uhura shot him a hard look. McCoy ignored it and continued to mutter.

"I'd like, though, to see that cliff where Jim crashed the Corvette."

Scotty and Chekov stopped talking.

"I dinnae believe I heard all this story from the laddie." Mr. Scott said. "I'd like to hear it a wee bit more. Seems fittin' for the place."

McCoy peered at Spock, who looked like he'd swallowed a sip of his first real Slusho.

"I don't know if that's a good idea," said McCoy. "Sorry I mentioned it." He lifted his glass, swallowed in a huff, and then slammed his drink back down on the table, sloshing plenty. Bria'lel jumped, looked at no one, and scooted further away in her seat from McCoy.

Uhura was really going to have to do something about that girl.

Uhura didn't have to think much of that, for a "townie" drifted over and began to flirt with Bria'lel. The medical assistant glared at him, showing the first glimpse of backbone. When he moved to touch Bria'lel's leg, she grasped his hand and bent it backwards. The "townie" did not know what hit him and those at the table could not help but laugh.

Bria'lel did not say anything as the young man left, but she did move closer to McCoy. Uhura smirked at the big brother look on his face. She bet anything the next guy to make a move towards Bria'lel would meet their match in the southern doctor. He could pack a punch.

It was disappointing to see McCoy was not interested in her in more than a platonic way. Uhura wanted to fix both them up- someday. If Bria'lel's performance stuck and she showed more backbone.

"We have a wee bit of music coming to us," said Mr. Scott as a band set up.

"Excuse me," yelled Uhura across the table to the girls adjacent to them. "What kind of music do they play?" The whole band thing at the bar was new, but so was the added section for seats. Uhura guessed the popularity of Starfleet in Iowa helped business.

"Pretty mellow if Quarry's not here, which he isn't yet, apparently," sighed a skinny blonde. "We love watching Quarry."

"Listening. We love listening," winked one girl. "He should be here tonight. Every other Friday. Probably running late, as usual."

Another skinny blonde's desire for the bandmember showed as she wore the silliest look of daydreaming Uhura had ever seen.

"Quarry?"

"He plays electric guitar, sings, and does all things for the band except make their dinner. He provides the metal, the softness, the purity."

"I'm pretty certain no single musician could do that," Uhura muttered.

"Oh, you just watch and listen, sweet, lady." The three blondes muttered and Uhura took offense at being called lady.

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes at Spock. "We staying for some music?"

"You bet," grinned Chekov. "Ze drummer, she iz from my home country."

"Bria'lel?"

"As long as McCoy keeps those townies away from me," she smiled, "sure."

The others nodded and Uhura settled in for a few moments of pure relaxation. The evening would be a respite they all needed.

A buzz centered on the entrance, as a tall form walked in quickly, a guitar case blocking the face.

"Quarry!" One of the blonde girls tossed out the name.

The music was still slow, but picked up as the guitarist cut through tables to get to his spot on the stage. His gait was confident, almost cocky, as he'd surely held up the band with every inclination to make a grand entrance. Figures, Uhura rued, that the prized band member had an attitude to match and no concern he had held up fans.

The man shrugged off his guitar case, giving it to someone on the side. He took off his coat and hat, shaking his hair as the music's introduction played on. Uhura took in his profile, beard, and all black attire as he picked up the electric guitar and put a pick in his mouth.

He was all too familiar.

"Oh my God."

She wanted to cry.

"Nyota?" Spock was back to being all tense. So was she. She just could not even describe her feelings.

She wanted to heave a table across the room. She wanted to scream and yell and have a tantrum.

Instead, Uhura gripped Spock's hand, knowing he would read her thoughts.

The late-comer musician picked his part of the music with a nonchalant perfection on his electric guitar at verse two.

The beard and slightly shaggy hair did not detract from the magnifying blue eyes that looked down at the instrument he played with the ease of a professional. Those eyes belonged to one person.

Captain Kirk.

"Oh my God." She had no other words for the epiphany.

"Son of a bitch," croaked McCoy. Instead of picking up his glass he grabbed the bottle and began to chug it down, his opposite hand already choking another bottle. Bria'lel looked to be in a severe distress, which confused Uhura, since she had never met Jim. She must have been thoroughly impressed by the news, then, or public records.

She didn't want Spock to turn around and lose control so her own hand hurt with the pressure she put into the hold. The others, except for Spock, couldn't help but turn around after hearing McCoy curse.

A solo came for Jim, putting him in the spotlight as he moved with ease on the small stage. Spock was hurt, painfully, and utterly devastated. As much as Bones was friends with Jim, Spock had matched that level. Spock's friendship anchored their captain. Witnessing this rebirth of Jim and then, horrifying herself, Uhura almost wished him dead.

_No, Nyota_, Spock told her. _We do not know what happened. Do not judge him. Please. For me._

Spock had reached a level with Jim that Uhura had not ever reached with Spock. In fact, their own relationship had been stressed since Jim left Starfleet.

_I love you, Nyota. I miss Jim, my friend._

Spock's thoughts were almost unbearable. To think she had once thought he never felt.

Jim was here, playing in a rundown, middle of Riverside Shipyard bar? It was absurd. Where was Lucy? Was Jim back to his low living?

It was Jim's emotion while playing which struck her more than anything, coming in at the right time to create this incredible lost feeling. From his exact rhythm, immersed in the music, like he was meant to play here at this exact moment. The release he seemed to have strumming the guitar amazed Uhura.

Beneath that beard was their captain. He'd been hiding, as a musician, for one, in the place they never thought he'd be. His enjoyment with playing was certain, but he looked exhausted. Even after missing for over a year, Uhura could see the fatigue written on Jim's face. As she inspected him more, she saw his beard was flecked with dust and his clothes as well.

His mouth swept up beside a microphone and his eyes roamed the audience. As he performed the backup vocals, Uhura willed him to look at her.

He did in a moment and promptly missed the last four beats of the song. If anyone could pale behind a month's worth of beard, Jim Kirk could.

The bar crowd cheered, for an amazingly long time. Apparently, the showmanship of Jim Kirk in a rock band impressed many. Including Sulu, Chekov, and Mr. Scott, all whose body language revealed them revering their captain, in awe of finding him here. They had grins on their faces.

Meanwhile, Uhura bitterly decided that she, Spock, and McCoy were taking the brunt of this discovery themselves.

Bria'lel was a mystery. The medical assistant appeared ill and in complete shock. Uhura decided then and there that the woman should not be in Starfleet and she would be the first to persuade her to stop her course. First thing tomorrow. Uhura couldn't afford to worry about an assistant in medical who couldn't hold her own.

Uhura still held Spock's hand as she saw Kirk step to the main microphone. From her distance of 75 feet or so, Jim Kirk's nervousness showed. Or, it could be she just thought of the guy several times a day and remembered many of his nuances. Hard not to when he was best friend to your boyfriend and the captain of the starship you were employed on for the five year mission and longer under his captainship.

Jim swallowed a few times and coughed to the side, delaying the next song and causing a stir in the bar. Several people began calling to him to get on with it, all in good nature. He drew a good crowd. Uhura watched Jim's face become hooded as he nodded and counted.

The song was obnoxiously loud and raw, as if Jim purposely planned for them to be distracted by the music and not him.

Especially as Jim held the main vocals with a standout, rough, handsome voice he'd never carried before. And with killer guitar skills. Somehow, within the past year and a half he'd practiced like hell to get this good to play and sing in a bar.

Everything Jim Kirk did had a purpose, even this crazy stunt.

Jim had to have a plan for being here.

Uhura decided she wasn't waiting for anyone else to get moving and drag their asses over to talk with him. So she let go of Spock's hand and got out of her chair.

"I'm going to get answers. He'll talk to me," she stated. "This is an iconic place for us. I'll talk to him, and when I do, I'll come back. We'll discuss this, and..." Uhura couldn't speak anymore before she lost her nerve. She promptly strode towards the stage as the band and Jim began another song. She used every bit of the courage she had when she'd faced the Klingons to face Jim Kirk.

He stared her down for a moment, notes forgotten. The other band members looking back and forth from this Starfleet lieutenant and their prized guitarist but they kept on with the music.

"The bar. Now." She turned on her heel, knowing with a great certainty Jim Kirk would not ignore her. He was ready to keel over anyways. He needed a seat and a drink.

The bar seemed miles away from the table where the crew was. Which was good. Uhura did not want even Spock learning whatever Jim had to say. This was between Jim and her. She sat where, luckily, two stools were left empty side by side. She placed a foot on the stool, and waited.

Jim came after a few minutes. Uhura took her foot off the stool and watched as he sat, heavy with fatigue. Close as she was to him now, Uhura was shocked at the thinness of his face beneath the beard and that of his fingers. His shoulders were slighter than she'd ever seen them. Was he eating at all? She could smell sweat, something gritty, too. Maybe what was in his hair. He needed a bath.

"Kirk. You stink."

He sighed and cleared his throat. "That's the best pick up line you could come up with?"

"You can't impress the ladies like this."

"I'm not trying to. I'm paying back a favor." He caught Lew's attention. "I'll take a shot of Jacks."

"Make that two. His shots on me."

He glared at her. "His shots on him. Uhura, you're not drilling me for answers. I know what you're about to do. Leave."

"No. You just ran out of your dumb luck. We weren't looking for you here, you know."

Jim ignored her and fiddled with his shot glass.

"You about killed Spock."

The shot glass stilled.

"McCoy drinks more than ever."

The shot glass disappeared in Jim's hand.

"Uhura, I'm warning you." She could hardly hear him as he stared down at the liquid in his glass.

"This is the last place we ever expected to find you. Why here?"

"It's complicated."

"Where's Lucy?"

Jim frowned. "Don't worry about her. She's with me. With her family."

"Family? I thought you didn't have family."

"Trying to change that."

"You mean?" Uhura did not know what Jim meant.

"I contacted Sam before I returned to Earth with Lucy."

"Seriously? And he agreed to try this family thing with you?"

Jim nodded. "His wife had a thing or two to do with it. And their kids. They wanted to meet their Uncle Jim and little cousin."

"So you're here, in Riverside, living with your estranged brother and his family. Weird."

"Tell me about it."

They sat, finishing another shot. Uhura had had enough to drink so she just took her time, trying to think of something else witty enough to get Jim to answer more questions.

"So, can I get your name?"

He chuckled, shaking his head.

"It's not Jim Kirk, or JT Kirk, or James Tiberius, or any other combination we could come up with. And Spock came up with about a million. He tried them all."

"David. David Quarry."

"Quarry. That's...original. Is that where you swam in the dirt? And grew the beard?"

Jim tensed. "Look, Uhura, I need to go."

"Can I see Lucy before we leave in a couple days? Please, Jim. I...I think about her often."

Jim looked crushed. Was he dwelling on those nights Uhura had helped Lucy get to sleep? He'd been such a desolate human being back then, trying so hard after Carol's death, but so disheartened without the love of his life.

"It may be good for her, but...I don't know. Things with Lucy are precarious right now."

"What do you mean?" Uhura panicked. "She's ill?"

"Woah, woah. I didn't mean it like that," Jim touched her arm. "She's not dying."

He smiled at Uhura but she was hardly encouraged.

"You helped so much after her birth. I never got to properly thank you." He was too serious now.

"Lucy. What's wrong, Jim. Don't change the subject."

He closed his eyes, shaking his head again. "She has a severe form of autism that did not show up until we came on planet. She's not progressing as a child should."

"Nothing can be done?"

"I've tried everything, Uhura," Jim's resoluteness broke. "I can't put her through anymore tests. They make it worse. I've researched, we've traveled." He paused, running his hands through his hair in frustration. "There is one option I haven't tried."

"What's that?"

"A theory I'm working on, but for now, it's a theory." He bit his lip. "The only thing that truly has gotten us through the dark times with her is music." He looked up at Uhura, as if daring her to figure out what was already forming in her mind.

"You learned to sing and play so you could sing and play to your two year old daughter." The thought made her cry. "How long did it take for you to get this good?"

"Lessons every day for a few months. Practicing for hours and hours. In my sleep." Jim jerked his head towards the band. "The lead vocalist is the one who taught me, kinda as a joke. Then, I improved so much she twisted my arm to perform with them every other Friday after work."

"Work?"

He frowned when his comm beeped and cleared his throat again. "Yeah. Listen, Uhura, I need to leave."

"Lucy?" It was after 10 but maybe Lucy did not go to bed early like a normal toddler.

"Always." He stood, placing a hand tentatively on her shoulder. "Nyota, thank you. I think you do need to see her. If you...all of you...want to come to the house tomorrow for dinner, say 6. Look up Samuel Kirk in the directory."

"Yes." Uhura did not allow her shock to permit her from answering Jim's invitation with certainty. "Yes, we'd love to. And thank you, Jim."

"Well," he shrugged. "I can't leave her, Nyota, and I got some other demons to get rid of right now too. It's complicated. Just, I guess seeing her will help explain why I remained invisible."

"Okay." She said softly. "Jim, you're doing the right thing."

"Inviting you all at my place? Hardly." He gave a gruff chuckle.

"No, taking care of Lucy. She needs her dad."

"Till tomorrow." He took a half step away and then turned back to her with that historic smirk on his face. "At least this conversation didn't end with me drooling on the floor after a brawl."

She laughed softly and Jim walked away. Her laughter stopped abruptly when Jim let down his guard on his way out the back exit. His slim shoulders hunched forward as if the simple effort of moving sapped what remained of his dwindling strength.

After what Uhura observed, nothing about Jim Kirk could be wrapped up so neatly. Uhura's normally austere way of communicating lacked its usual luster.

"He's staying with his brother, Sam, and his family while working himself to fatigue somewhere quite dusty and taking care of Lucy who is severely autistic and is poorly developing and needs more help than he can give her but he can't figure out how to help even though he's researched throughout the galaxy but he learned to play the guitar and sing because music seems to be something that does help a little and that means he has to play here sometimes because the band leader gave him lessons in return."

McCoy stared numbly at the place up stage where Jim had performed. Spock studied the table and fingered his glass. Scotty and Sulu searched the bar where Jim had just sat, as if hoping he'd remained and they could speak to him. Chekov frowned at Uhura's run-on paragraph but let a tear drift down his pale face. Bria'lel was on her feet, staring at a poster on the wall behind her chair, back to them all. Uhura had rambled half a dozen thoughts, her own mind not understanding the state in which they had found their captain.

"And he invited us to dinner. Tomorrow."

Tomorrow was a long time away. Anything could happen. Uhura had no expectations, but she was hopeful. One thing was certain, they had definitely found Jim. However, after seeing him up close Uhura feared there wasn't anything left of the former Captain Kirk.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.

Author's Note: HappytheExceed...here is the drama you were waiting for! It certainly won't be the last. :)

* * *

"Dr. McCoy, it is time to leave with our transport." McCoy's newest medical assistant stood beside him at the table where he'd not moved from the entire evening.

McCoy did not miss the compassion engrained in her words. McCoy could always count on Bria'lel to speak a command with great humility. She was the only one to remain near him after Jim left the bar. McCoy's body language encouraged no one to touch him. Good thing he and the medical assistant decided to become friends. He'd never been friends with one of the medical staff in such a manner, except for Nurse Chapel. He surprised himself with risking a friendship with a woman. It'd been easy. Bria'lel never flirted and McCoy never showed her more than what he wanted to have of his own- a friend.

"Dr. McCoy will drown his sorrows here, thank you very much."

"We all are hurt, doctor," said Uhura quietly. She folded her arms and sighed. "The bar is closing early. Surely you know it's best to leave with the rest of us."

"I'm not leaving until that bastard gets back in here and says to my face why he left us without a word." McCoy wanted him to grovel.

Actually, McCoy wanted to just see Jim alive, make sure this was real. His worry grew exponentially over the past eighteen months, thinking Jim went off the deep end or died in his grief and left an orphaned child somewhere.

"He left one hour and twenty-one minutes ago. You will see him tomorrow. We all need time to process now finding him," Uhura explained.

"Uhura, you sound too much like Spock."

"His daughter needed him."

"So he said."

"Leonard," said Bria'lel, "please come with us. Get some rest. You will feel better tomorrow."

"Dr. McCoy, it is not wise for you to remain here in your intoxicated state. I will have security remove you if you do not cooperate for your own safety." Spock's control burned McCoy's stomach more than the drink he kept chugging. He hid his pain in a way McCoy could never hide his own pain.

"Spock, I've held my own while I was drunker than a dog in worse places than this. I'm staying. I'll stay until I get thrown out."

McCoy did not think the bartender was innocent of Jim's identity. Lew ignored the party of seven while every other straggler he sent on their way. This was the place McCoy needed to be. A place he knew Jim frequented, according to the information Uhura received.

"Doctor."

"Spock, send a transport back to pick me up in an hour." He'd compromise.

"Leonard, may I stay with you as you linger?" Bria'lel asked.

How could he refuse the woman when she was so nice?

"As long as you don't drink. I'm drinking enough for the two of us."

"Very well," she said, and exchanged a look with Spock. "Captain?"

"Transport will return in an hour." Spock affirmed. He led the way for the others out of the Shipyard Bar. Chekov, older and wiser now, spared no glance back. Mr. Scott bravely gave McCoy a solemn wave goodbye. Sulu walked out without a word.

After they were gone, Bria'lel walked over to Lew and the two conversed for a minute. She was brave when she wanted to be. McCoy noticed the way Uhura worried about his medical assistant. McCoy would have never agreed to Bria'lel becoming part of his medical team if it hadn't been her quiet resolve coming out through the interview. And Admiral Archer being some long-lost relation.

"Leonard, you won't be bothered." Bria'lel sat down across from McCoy this time.

"Did you see the way he ignored us when he left?"

"He had to go to his daughter."

"He is great at deflecting."

Bria'lel smiled softly at him. "I've heard about that trait from many of you."

"I don't know how he has survived without my medical care the past eighteen months. That irks me the most. He didn't need me."

Why McCoy began to spill his heart out to this woman, he did not know. Maybe it was the way her eyes held a similar grief to what must be in his own.

"He was hurting, doctor. And caring for a child who has needs. He probably doesn't think of himself. Caring for a child is more than enough for a widower. Let alone one with special needs."

McCoy flinched. Bria'lel looked away from him, hand up on her face. He couldn't tell if she was wiping away tears or merely tired. It was late.

"So why did he leave us and not let us help."

"Other characteristics of your captain have trickled down my way, as well. Self-sufficiency being one of them."

"There has to be something else. This can't be all of it."

"We could find out tomorrow." Bria'lel was crying. McCoy, shocked at her emotion, was disgusted at himself for being a tad too selfish. Although, of all the crew members, he and Spock would be most affected, surely.

"I doubt he'll spill the beans." McCoy shoved a clean napkin across the table into her hand. "Here."

"Thank you," Bria'lel whispered.

"Have you ever lost someone you loved more than your own life?" McCoy blurted before he thought and instantly wished he could take the question back. It was with an incredible amount of heartache with which his medical assistant answered.

"I've lost two people whom I loved more than my own life."

"I'm sorry."

They sat, McCoy continuing to drown his sorrows with alcohol and, he supposed, Bria'lel waiting for McCoy to finish his pity party.

"It was kind of you to stay." He better stop drinking now. He did not want to embarrass this woman by stumbling out of the building when the transport came nor did he want to have her help him. She was petite, too small to shoulder any of a drunk.

He should've listened to Spock.

"I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing." Bria'lel traced the circle on the table with her finger where her glass of water had left residue. She looked up. "The bartender is coming over."

McCoy did not want to talk to anyone else, not with this current state of mind, but the bartender made himself comfortable in the chair right next to McCoy.

"You're the doctor from the Enterprise, correct?" Lew stretched his feet out in front of him.

"You're the bartender who asks too many questions."

"Leonard," scolded Bria'lel. McCoy didn't care. He wasn't in the mood for discussing much.

"I know who my band's guitar player is, and his name isn't David."

McCoy swirled the last bit of drink in his glass. "It is these days, apparently."

"He shouldn't be here."

"He wants to be."

"I met the kid when I thought myself the poorest man in the universe, working in this joint. That night he tore up the place," Lew laughed and shook his head, "well, it took me a few years, but I finally realized I was a rich man."

"Yeah. How so."

"I have a chance to meet some exceptional people. Kirk being one. I see him bending over backwards to pay back Roxie for her music lessons. He can't do that anymore." Lew leaned in towards McCoy. "Do you wish to know why?"

"I wish for David to tell me himself or not find out at all," snarled McCoy.

Lew sat back into his chair and folded his arms. "For all the camaraderie you two had in the past, which I've heard about through gossip in this place, I did not expect that from you, doctor."

"That camaraderie vanished when he did."

"He needs you. I like the kid. And if you really want Kirk to tell him yourself what he needs from you, I will try to restrain myself." Lew frowned at Bria'lel. "And you're also Starfleet?"

"A medical assistant for the Enterprise."

"You know, if you're going over to his house tomorrow," Lew cocked his eye at McCoy, "you'll have a hell of a time getting her through the door."

The bartender must have overheard Jim and Uhura. McCoy felt like shielding Bria'lel from what he knew would be Lew's continuing little speech. She paled, as if that knowledge was hers already.

"Is it that bad?" McCoy could hardly believe Jim would be so prejudiced. Then again, it wasn't McCoy's wife who had been left to die.

"He's had every single Ikaaran woman investigated that he's seen or heard of. I don't know how he accomplished that. One was arrested on false charges, but that was a year ago. He's mellowed a bit, but not much. Even more, any Ikaaran woman flees the second they acknowledge the rage he harbors."

"Thanks for the warning."

"No problem," Lew shrugged and nodded to Bria'lel. "You seem like a nice woman. Be careful around him. He's hurting so badly he can't see much more than what's right in front of him and he has that sweet little girl to take care of."

The bartender went back to wiping counters. McCoy's comm beeped. He didn't pick it up.

"The transport?" Bria'lel asked.

"Yup," McCoy scooted his chair back. Time to go. "I think."

His medical assistant sighed and looked at McCoy's comm. "It is. I can help you."

"Maybe you shouldn't come to Jim's house tomorrow," McCoy said.

"Do you doubt you can protect me from a man's anguish?"

"Usually no, but that which would come from Jim, yes." McCoy couldn't stand to think of anything happening to this Ikaaran woman. How could quiet Bria'lel take the negativity Jim had coming towards her tomorrow?

"I've lost before, Leonard. I can take it."

"Not from Kirk, you won't. He hunted those six women for months after his wife died. Without knowing their faces, which were lost in the records due to a cultural technicality, it was hopeless." McCoy recalled Jim's fury at that time. It was anger which peaked any other episode of Jim's.

"If hating me helps him, let him hate me."

"He will do a good job at it, sweetheart, trust me," McCoy snorted as they were steps from the exit.

The door swished open and before McCoy could warn Bria'lel, the object of their discussion stared impassively at the woman.

"Is she part of your crew, Bones, whom I invited over tomorrow?"

"Well, hello to you, too, Jimmy. How ya doin'?" McCoy moved in front of Bria'lel. "What did you come back here for tonight, anyways? It wasn't to apologize, apparently."

"Bones, leave that alone. I can't talk right now," Jim said.

"No, but you can be rude to my medical assistant, now, can't you?"

"Is she?" Jim glared at him.

Seeing Jim up close, as Uhura had, McCoy's anger dissipated ever so slightly. Jim was unwell, new lines on his face, fatigue emanating from his posture, and something else, he couldn't put his finger on. It twisted something in McCoy's gut. Lew was right. Jim did need him. So he softened his approach.

"She's a distant relative of Admiral Archer's. She's a good friend, too."

"Friend?" Jim repeated disbelievingly.

"Yes, and helping me out the door so I can sleep this off before enjoying a lovely meal with you and yours tomorrow." McCoy's attempt to remain nice failed.

"I came because I forgot my guitar and now I will say one other thing." Jim stared hard at Bria'lel. "Come to my house tomorrow, step one foot on my property, and I'll call the cops on you for trespassing."

"Jim, you're out of line." McCoy stepped up to Jim. No way would he let his medical assistant be bullied by his best friend. "She's not them, Jim. She's a crew member of the Enterprise. Her records check out. And she's my friend."

"Bones," Jim's cerulean eyes wavered. McCoy swallowed at seeing Jim falter. "I can't...Lucy..."

"Yes, Jim, you will."

"How can you expect that of me? You know what happened, Bones."

"I do, but threatening this woman is wrong and you know it." McCoy's calm voice seemed to wash over Jim and do the same job as it used to. Comfort him, give him an opportunity to back down. "When we arrive tomorrow, we are all staying or we all leave. Got that?"

Bria'lel had the patience of a saint as they all three stood there looking at each other for a moment. Correction. Jim mostly looked away or at McCoy. Medical was the perfect place for Bria'lel. She'd suffered loss before so she stood straight, understanding Jim's pain and allowing him to judge her without precedent.

"Fine," Jim ran his hands through his beard. Bones never knew Jim to be one for facial hair, but this new look suited him and and set off his eyes. Jaw set, Jim glanced over at the band's platform. His guitar leaned against the wall. McCoy saw it wasn't fine, but at least it wasn't going to be as dangerous for Bria'lel as it had initially. "Now, if you will excuse me..."

Jim went to get his guitar and McCoy rued being right about him again, at least partially. He'd come back to the bar.

"Let's go, shall we?" Bria'lel tugged at McCoy. "Give him some space, Leonard."

McCoy would give Jim until he stepped into that farmhouse.

Space, of all kinds, was definitely overrated in McCoy's opinion.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: I do not own Star Trek. Thanks for the follows, favs, and reviews. They are greatly appreciated!

* * *

"Was that necessary?"

Lew's footsteps fell behind Jim as he went to his truck. Lew's intervention tonight wasn't his first.

"Lew, it's none of your business." Guitar case now on the passenger seat, Jim opened the driver's side and got in. Lew caught the door before Jim closed it.

"It is, when an unsuspecting beautiful woman gets harassed in my own bar."

"That's not what happened." No way would he allow Lew to make him feel guilty for this. "If I don't want someone at my house, I have a right to disallow it."

"Do you want to know what she did after you talked with your lieutenant?" Lew scoffed when Jim looked at him startled. "Yeah, I know who you are, Kirk. I've known since the day you got back to town. No beard will hide the eyes of James T. Kirk. I saw you all those years ago, all those times you came in, frustrated and angry. Reminds me of you now."

Heart pounding, Jim put the keys in the ignition. He was old-fashioned that way, like his father had been when it came to driving around on planet. Jim's preservation of his father's hobby had come naturally when he came back to Riverside. He treasured this old truck Sam had almost junked.

"Just leave me alone, Lew." Jim pulled the door shut. Lew raised his hands in surrender. "Anyone else know?"

"You're secret's safe, even from Roxie and the rest of the band." Lew sighed. "Leonard, is that his name? Your friend who refused to leave until he drank his fill tonight? Because of you?"

Jim should've remembered to roll the windows up.

"What do you want, Lew. Out with it." Sam and his wife Aurelan had to be up waiting for Jim to return at this awful hour. When he did, Jim would explain the rush of words he'd uttered as he left to come for his guitar._ We will have guests from the Enterprise at dinner tomorrow._ He should have the words explained to himself. What had he been thinking? Mainly of Nyota's request to see Lucy and now knowing they'd find their way to the house eventually. He might as well make the first move. It ensured he would have the best defense. Home base.

"The Ikaaran woman- she stayed with Leonard, the doctor, out of the kindness of her heart and even convinced me not to throw him out until he was good and ready to go by himself. As he sat talking, she let him vent, even though she shed her own tears. You're on thin ice, Kirk. I'll be knocking at your door if I hear you've done anything to hurt her."

Did he really think Jim was that cold-hearted? Maybe he was. At least at that moment.

"I won't hurt her, Lew." Jim rested his arms on the wheel, dropping his head as well. He really didn't want to leave and return to talk with Sam. He didn't want to have guests tomorrow, either. How could he have threatened a member of Starfleet like that? Lew was right. Bones was right. He'd been a bully. Apologies did not come easy for Jim. Bones would surely make him do that tomorrow.

He groaned. If he had to see that woman again...his grip on the wheel turned deathly.

"You okay, Kirk?" Lew asked. "I can tell Roxie you won't be around for awhile."

"Do you know what it's like to enter a room and see your wife dead and your newborn baby in her limp arms? That image plays in my mind over and over again, every time I look at an Ikaaran woman."

Lew stepped back instantly, stricken as Jim stared woodenly at him. "Kirk, do you want me to get a hold of your brother for you? Have him come pick you up?"

"No. I'd like to have my wife back."

Jim gunned the truck.

* * *

The farmhouse wasn't settled for the night. Lights were on everywhere- the front porch, the living room, even the back porch and Sam's bedroom.

It was going to be a long while until he got to bed.

Jim parked the truck outside the garage. He may use it to run if the conversation went downhill. Too bad he didn't have a motorcycle. It would be a hell of a lot easier.

He didn't have to go far to face his brother and his sister in law. Between the time Jim parked and walked to the house, Sam and Aurelan had come out to sit on the swing. The swing stilled as Jim shadowed the porch. He set his guitar case down. Jim slumped to the steps, back towards them, preferring the stars.

"They found you, did they?"

"Without even looking." Jim was fond his beard, but it was like Lew mentioned. His beard wouldn't hide his eyes and his crew would know them. "Guess the beard didn't work well good tonight."

Sam laughed. "You run into a lot of bad luck, brother."

"Jim, do you have to do this to yourself? Inviting them for dinner? I don't mind, I just worry for you."

Leave it to his sister in law. His brother hardly deserved her if one really thought about it. That trait ran in the family. Jim never deserved Carol, either. He shouldn't have let her go. God, what had he been thinking letting an eight month pregnant woman set foot on a different planet without him?

"Jim?"

"I'm sorry, Aurelan." His wandering mind was at it again. He got so tired that he couldn't focus.

"Did something else happen?"

He shrugged. It was a rude reply but he would add that to the stack of rudeness he'd acquired already the past few hours. Fatigue was hitting him. It was after one o'clock in the morning. He leaned back on the floor of the porch, hands behind his head, as he sat on the middle step. It wasn't the most comfortable position. It wasn't the best position to hide his emotion from the pair sitting on the swing, either.

"Jimmy," the soft endearment from Aurelan soothed him. He let her get away calling him that, as he did Bones and Sam. The one word was a repeat of her earlier question. He could only shake his head.

"Did you run into one of them again when you went back?"

Flashes of red replaced the magnificence of his former home, the sky.

"That room, it was all red. Scarlet, all scarlet. Lucy's blanket. Carol."

"Oh, Jimmy," Aurelan's voice broke. Sam already sat down beside Jim. He'd never expected his brother to be brotherly when he asked if he and Lucy could live with them. It was Jim's house, one he'd bought on a whim years ago, and left to Sam.

"Bones has a new friend, Sam. It's a woman. An Ikaaran woman."

"Part of Starfleet?" Sam frowned.

"Yes. She's a medical assistant on the Enterprise."

"She'll be coming to tomorrow, then, won't she?"

"I tried to tell her not to."

"You didn't." Sam's voice held warning. "You threatened her."

"All I told you was that I tried to tell her not to come. How'd you jump to that conclusion?" Jim yelled, sitting up face to face with Sam now.

"For the very reason you're yelling at me." Sam frowned. "You can't accuse every single-"

"I know, Sam," snapped Jim. "It's gotten better. Just tonight, seeing all of them."

"You'll tell them you didn't resign, won't you?" Aurelan's voice was hopeful. Jim would have to dash that hope to the ground immediately."

"No. No one but Admiral Archer knows that this is a very extended leave of absence." Jim tried to resign. The Admiral wasn't convinced. "I'm not telling them. You're not to either."

Jim went into a fit of coughing. He'd suppressed it even at the bar.

"Would you like a glass of water, Jim?"

The porch stifled him now. Damn that coughing. The night was lost. Jim would find another way to torture himself until morning.

"I'm fine, Aurelan." He wasn't. The coughing worsened the past few weeks.

"Where are you going?" His brother demanded.

Jim stalked off the porch towards the shed.

"Oh no. You're not going there, Jim. Dammit. It's late and dangerous."

"It's not dangerous if you just sit."

"Right, that's what you're going to do there. Sit on your ass. You're obsessed with that place, Jim. One of these days, I'm going to find out why my brother works himself to the bone in that quarry."

"When I can, Sam, I'll tell you." Inside, his rope and equipment lay where he left them.

"You'll never tell me, Jim." Sam met him outside the shed.

"I might if you leave me alone about it and let me do my work."

"It's killing you, Jimmy, and you can't see that it is. They don't need you down there, clearing it out." Sam got in Jim's way. "Will you let me help you?

"Sam, it's not your problem." Jim's guilt should not be shared.

"A problem? The only problem I see is the one you're making. What about Lucy?"

"I am thinking of Lucy." So her family would not be so broken.

"Explain that one to me, please, Jimmy. I don't see the connection since I don't know what you're doing in the first place nor why!"

"Why can't you just leave it alone!" Jim slammed his gear in the back of the truck.

"Please stay here tonight. I know Aurelan said she'd watch Lucy in the morning, but I doubt she'd accepted that if she knew you were going climbing, or digging, or whatever else you do there." Sam glared at him. "In the middle of the night."

"I'm taking a flashlight." Jim was already in the truck. He backed up slowly, wheels churning as quietly as possible along the gravel.

"Why can't you take better care of yourself, for once?" Sam's palm hit the side of Jim's door. "Go see a doctor."

"Because that requires stopping, Sam. I can't stop."

* * *

Illegal dumping and flooding in the quarry royally screwed things for Jim's search. He'd resorted to climbing down the cliff's face in his search when he didn't work during the day at the base. Seeing Bones, distraught and worried, sent adrenaline through Jim and only in one way could he rid himself of it.

He'd hurt his friend unintentionally eighteen months ago. Of course, it did not look like it from Bones' point of view. Jim had been in a bad place. What he'd found out from his brother cultivated his decision to step down from his duties, and it was so overwhelming, he could not talk to anyone about it. Sam did not realize the pressure this new responsibility put upon Jim.

Then there was Lucy, sweet Lucy.

Daily, Jim juggled his guilt, his responsibility to his family, and his daughter.

If he stopped, the pieces would fall apart and he would be forced to face the pain of losing Carol again.

Maybe even for the first time.

He'd not dealt with it correctly as his life took one turn after another into walls. At least here, at the cliff, he could finally face part of his past and it only had two walls, spread far apart from each other. He could turn around without smacking his face into another hard surface.

The coil of rope on his shoulder, he walked to the ledge. He'd sit first. In a short while, the sunrise would provide that little bit of light to knock the edge off the danger. If only Scotty were here. Jim might enjoy his company most of all the crew members. They could talk of the ship, of engineering. Feet dangling, Jim saw nothing but darkness filling the half-mile below him. It wasn't anything unusual. The soft steps behind him were.

"Jim."

Shit. Sam, that traitor. He'd made a call.

"Captain." Jim responded to Spock without turning around.

"It is unwise to sit at 0237 hours in darkness on a cliff's edge."

"It is even more foolish to do so when someone sneaks up on you." Spock's arrival could not deter Jim. Not that Spock would join him anyways. Jim grabbed the beginning piece of his rope to prepare for the climb down.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: And now, an intervention by Spock. Plus some answers.

Next up after this? The chapter you all have probably been waiting for. It's the one I've been dying to post. ;) A chance meeting, a certain woman's POV, and really getting to the heart of this story...

Thank you for the reviews, follows, and favs. I appreciate them! DLB48- as always...a huge thank you for the beta.

* * *

Spock imagined Sam Kirk's voice sounded much like George Kirk's. Sam communicated with the hotel's front desk and then with Spock at 0146 hours.

At 0153 hours, Spock wrote a note for Nyota and left his room.

Jim gave Spock what was as close to a Vulcan heart attack as possible at 0237 hours when he saw Jim sitting on the cliff's ledge one half-mile up, in complete darkness.

"So my brother ratted on me, did he?"

"He is concerned."

"I've gone up and down this cliff face a thousand times, Spock."

"Jim, I do not think you have- "

"Spock. Figure of speech." Jim chuckled. "I miss those times with you, you know."

"Just as your presence is missed on the Enterprise, Captain."

"Jim. It's Jim, Spock." Jim got up from the ledge. He fastened the rope to his clip on his harness. "If you want to be useful, grab a pair of night vision goggles from my truck?"

"You require an additional 856.6 feet of rope to reach the bottom of the quarry."

"Huh. You're right." Jim looked at his coils of rope. "Grab more of that, too. I have thousands of feet in there."

Spock acquired what he needed for Jim and himself, including an extra set of night vision goggles. Jim's set up for climbing was impressive but antiquated. Fascinating.

"What are you doing?" Jim asked when Spock began his own preparations to climb. "Oh, no. You're not coming down with me."

Jim pulled the goggles from Spock's reach.

"You should not be here alone."

Jim stared at Spock as if he was seeing him for the first time. "Spock," Jim's voice broke, "please don't stay with me."

Spock took the goggles back from Jim's startled fingers. How could Jim believe Spock would abandon him now that he was found? After all this time?

"This is something I need to do by myself."

"At the risk of your well-being as well as that of Lucy?"

"You have no idea Spock so don't make a calculated Vulcan judgement," Jim said. "What I am doing is for Lucy, not against her. I love my daughter and would not endanger myself here if it meant her becoming an orphan. She needs me, but I also have do this."

"I am willing to listen when you are ready to speak, Jim."

Jim turned his back to Spock, facing the very quarry which took the fall of his father's Corvette.

"When our mission ended, Spock, I wasn't going to leave permanently. I wanted to only contact Sam and ask for help with Lucy. I could hardly function myself without Carol, let alone care for Lucy." Spock came beside Jim. Nothing but Earth's constellations and a crescent moon lit up the sky. "It happened so fast. I had to talk with Sam and his wife, then Lucy fell apart. She was only seven months old, but something happened within days. She wouldn't look at me when I spoke to her, she didn't smile, she wouldn't eat, her movements were odd...I couldn't contact you because I was too overwhelmed. With her, and with what Sam told me..."

Spock waited for Jim to finish his thought. He never did, but grew more irritable, shaking his head and running his hand over his beard.

Jim snorted. "I can't believe I'm telling you this. Let me just get to the point of this. This- what we are doing now."

Jim pulled something out of his pocket. Spock inspected it as Jim shown down a light. It was an envelope, beaten but readable.

"See that return address?"

Frank. Jim's uncle.

"The bastard had the gall to send me a letter." Jim crumpled the letter up in his fist. "Do you want to know what it says?"

"Jim, you may tell me if you wish. I will not press you."

Jim did not appear ready, especially as he made a move to throw it into the quarry and stopped partway.

"Dammit, Spock. I can't figure out what's wrong with Luce, and this..." Jim flung a series of curses into the quarry, their echo carrying endlessly. "I make a mess of everything."

"That is not true, Captain. I could give you my calculations if you wish." Spock would not let Jim accuse himself of this untruth.

"You would do that, wouldn't you, Spock." Jim sat in a heap, coughing into his arm. Jim unfolded and pressed the envelope's creases in frustration. The sun had begun to rise unnaturally early. Jim's beard was streaked with even more dirt than when at the bar. Although Nyota carefully explained her observations of Jim, Spock had conducted his own. Tomorrow, he determined to speak with Dr. McCoy.

"Do you remember what happened here, close to this very spot?" Jim scoffed when Spock nodded primly. "Of course you do."

Jim clutched the letter, almost crumpling it again. He held it out to Spock. "Look at the date."

"This is the day prior to your joining Starfleet." Spock's curiosity grew. "Is this the reason you went to the bar that night?"

"Yes. I planned on getting quite drunk. Drunker than I already was. Almost succeeded, too. The letter is one of the many reasons I joined Starfleet, too. Not all of it had to do with Pike."

"Can you tell me what it has to do with your search in the quarry?"

"Unbelievable. Sam told you that, too, didn't he?" Jim stood up and kicked at the dirt. "My brother, the traitor. It's my fault so I have to do this myself."

"Your family and friends desire to help you in your endeavor."

"They want to help solve a problem that's mine to begin with. I'm trying to spare them my own pain." Jim looked helplessly at Spock. "I've worked over an entire year trying to fix it. If I don't fix it, my family is going to fall apart."

"What do you have to find, Jim?"

"It's Winona. Of course Sam didn't tell you about her, did he? It's difficult having a mother you don't feel qualifies as one." With a shake of his head he continued. "She has dementia, Spock. She can't take care of herself."

"I am sorry, Jim." Spock anticipated what Jim planned to say next. The reasons for Jim's vanishing cleared in Spock's mind.

"Our farmhouse is chaotic, Spock, especially with her in it to care for. Winona repeats certain phrases. She likes Lucy. She'll smile at her but not the rest of us. She doesn't recognize us at all. One thing she does remember, on a daily basis, is my father's Medal of Honor, which we don't have anymore. Some days, she'll not eat because she wants to hold it. She'll not sleep because she wants it under her pillow. My brother and his wife could not find the medal and are distressed over Winona's health. It has deteriorated this past year. Sam believes if we find the medal, she may improve or at least be happier." Jim snorted. "Can you believe Winona's boys are trying to make her comfortable and happy?"

It was not a logical response from Jim to aid in the caring of his mother, the woman who placed him in harm's way continuously and abandoned him fully.

Spock could not calculate a logical explanation to connect Jim's work in the quarry with this information. With that in mind, he feared what he could not put in its proper place. "Jim, what does the contents of the letter have to do with you and the quarry?"

"You want me to explain what this letter says? Fine. I will. Only if you promise not to tell Sam." Jim's expression was too severe for Spock to refuse. "I will tell him in my own good time!"

"Jim, I give you my word."

"My father's medal, Spock." Jim's voice exploded. "Without any of us knowing, Frank put my father's Medal of Honor in the damn Corvette and I'm the damn idiot who drove it off this cliff!

* * *

Four hours later, Jim was falling asleep while he walked to his truck. Spock assisted Jim into the passenger's side and buckled his seatbelt.

"She's beautiful," Jim muttered, barely coherent. "The woman I threatened. The one with Bones. Have to say sorry. Beautiful."

Eyebrows lifted, Spock added to his mental note to Dr. McCoy. Leonard and Bria'lel would have seen Jim after the rest of the crew had left. If Jim threatened Bria'lel, Jim continued to harbor bitterness towards Ikaaran women. Troubling as the thought was, the medical assistant's beauty had struck Jim. Stranger things had come from Jim's mouth in his states of exhaustion.

Spock drove Jim's truck back to the farmhouse with Jim sleeping in the passenger's seat. He contemplated the past hours he spent with Jim.

Before they went down the cliff face, Jim further explained Frank's treachery. The original pieces had remained in the quarry years ago because a friend of Frank's pulled some weight in the police force. The confiscation of the broken and scattered car had been falsified, the real pieces hidden close to where they'd fallen.

Jim now believed the flooding carried pieces of the car upwards along the wall of the quarry. He'd scanned that particular section for metal earlier in the week and the resulting amount was profuse. Instead of working at the bottom, through the dust and buildup of dumping the past two decades, Jim planned to climb. He was now certain his father's medal had been forced into the cliff wall with pieces of the car.

Through the very early hours in the morning, they'd searched and with odds counted against them, found several pieces of George Kirk's car lodged into crevices of the quarry. No medal was in sight, but Jim's grin was worth the craziness of their actions. It was as close as Jim had ever gotten.

They'd only climbed partially down but the exertion for Jim had been great. Spock was not a rock climber. Jim was, but he seemed oblivious to his endangered health. Over a year working in this quarry? Spock researched on his PADD during the transport from the hotel to the farmhouse. He discovered that drilling and blasting began shortly in the quarry before Jim returned to Riverside. Jim now led a team several days a week- in quarry dust- to excrete minerals. In return, Jim had free reign to search on his own. Even if precautions were taken, Jim's obsession with finding the medal could be detrimental to his health. Jim required a thorough medical examination. If tonight's dinner went well, perhaps Spock could convince Jim to permit Dr. McCoy's expertise.

Back at the farmhouse, Spock could not nudge Jim from his slumber, so he laid him down in the seat of the truck and tucked a coat under Jim's head. Sam met him at the farmhouse steps.

"He is sleeping." Spock stated, already prepared to tell Sam absolutely nothing of their evening except that he made certain of Jim's safety.

"What happened?" Sam crossed his arms. His stance, too familiar, reminded Spock of the sparring he and Jim would endure occasionally as captain and first officer.

Spock almost smiled.

"Did he tell you anything?"

"He told me of Lucy and Winona. I ensured his safety." Spock stated. "He should not be awakened for several hours."

Sam grinned. "I can't wait until you're here tonight. I can't knock any sense into my kid brother. Looks like you can." Jim's brother put out his hand. "Thank you, Captain."

With politeness, Spock shook it quickly. The touch with Jim's brother created a burning longing for Jim's companionship which did not dissipate the entire day. Spock had accepted the captaincy of the Enterprise in name only until Captain Kirk returned, even while knowing the captain may never do so. Spock kept the hope his friend- his captain- would return to them.

His transport arrived shortly and on the way back to Nyota and the others, he recalled something Jim said.

_"When our mission ended, Spock, I wasn't going to leave permanently."_

Jim never specified his current position in Starfleet. Perhaps Captain James T. Kirk merely requested a leave of absence.

The burdens Jim carried demanded strength and knowledge which Jim did not have. The medal and Winona. Lucy...whom Spock was now extremely curious to meet. Jim's unawareness of his health. The loss of Carol. Threatening Bria'lel was inexcusable but bespoke of Jim's anguish.

Sam believed Spock could influence Jim. Spock could but it would take more than him.

With the help of the Enterprise crew, Spock would do everything in his power to get their captain back to his ship.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Thank you again for following along! Finally, the chapter that I've been wanting to share for days. It sets up the moments I promised, for subsequent chapters. YAY! I hope ya'll enjoy it! I was going to wait a couple more days to post, but it is gloomy and rainy here. Posting a chapter makes me happy.

In this chapter, I introduce two characters who existed in TOS but were unnamed. Here, I have the honor of giving them their own names. Their brother, Peter, will be mentioned in a different chapter. Also, as Jim's health becomes more of an issue in this story, I tried my best to make it believable for the 23rd century. It is very important to the plot and you will need several chapters to understand where I'm going with it.

Thank you, DLB48, for the wonderful beta help!

* * *

Carol sat in the corner of the lobby, dying inside. She was meeting Uhura, and if she guessed correctly, Spock would be with her. McCoy stayed in his room, getting over his acute hangover.

Uhura commed her with a request to talk. Carol suggested the lobby where she would be forced to control her emotion.

Her husband hated her. Jim had threatened her. Carol stood there, letting him, because she loved him. His anguish was her own. Her identity was within his grasp but he could not see it.

Carol meant what she told McCoy. If it helped Jim, Carol would allow Jim to hate her.

She'd cried all night, half of the time curled up with all the pillows around her, trying to figure out how to solve the massive, impossible problem of reconciling with Jim. He would not believe her if she burst out who she was. The nausea came as she thought about seeing him again at his farmhouse and meeting her child who would not recognize her. It was unbearable, so she spent the other half of her night sitting in her bathroom, retching. She hadn't been that sick since her pregnancy with Lucy.

Her daughter wouldn't know her when she arrived tonight. Jim's manner with her would surely be distant.

It crushed her.

Already, three passersby regarded her curiously. No wonder. Before she left her room, red-rimmed eyes stared back at her in the glass mirror and splotches covered her face. She brushed her hair till it shone, however, and donned the most comfortable clothing she could. The pants and shirt also flattered her more than anything else.

"Bria'lel," Uhura came around the couch. "May I join you?"

"Certainly," she replied as brightly as she could. Tea cup in hand, Carol stalled and sipped several times.

She stopped and wrapped her hands around its warmth. It provided Uhura with an opportunity to question her about Jim's threat.

"Dr. McCoy told me what happened. Are you okay?" Uhura placed a hand on Carol's knee as she leaned closer. "That was inexcusable. Tonight, Dr. McCoy will make sure Jim apologizes to you."

"Lieutenant, he had reason enough and if he apologizes, then very well. I do not wish to cause the man more problems."

"Dr. McCoy says you're too humble. I think he's right." Uhura spoke freely. "Please call me Nyota."

"Nyota," she said hesitantly. "Please do not make trouble for him. The man lost his wife and his daughter needs him."

"I understand what you are saying. Still, Spock and Dr. McCoy want to handle this correctly. He did threaten a member of Starfleet."

"No," Carol said firmly. "I'll deny what he did if any of you do more than ask him to apologize." Jim did not need more trouble for himself. He was Lucy's main caretaker, without Carol.

"Why?" Nyota asked in confusion. "You don't know him. You surprise me, Bria'lel. One moment, you're as timid as kitten, the next, you defending someone who had no right to be rude to you."

"Nyota, please, I have my reasons." Carol pleaded.

"We know he's hurting, but Dr. McCoy was scared for you." With as much severity as Carol could manage through her sadness, she stared at Uhura. With a sigh, Uhura continued. "We won't report him, of course. Don't think that. We know making this a big deal would this cause him stress. Bria'lel, it'll be okay."

Carol's tears got the best of her and she hurriedly wiped them away. At least she had a cover, a well-played facade for them. "Thank you."

Spock appeared out of nowhere. Then, to Carol's surprise, McCoy sauntered up and beat Spock to the last place on the comfortable couch.

"Sorry, Captain," McCoy said tiredly. "You snooze, you lose."

Wordlessly, Spock took the chair opposite the couch. In fact, McCoy and Nyota remained quiet as well. It was with ease that Carol enjoyed their company then. For the next half-hour, it was like this. Carol sipped her tea. McCoy closed his eyes, resting once more. Spock meditated, and Nyota hummed.

Carol contemplated that it was the second time she'd forged her credentials to board the Enterprise. Someday she would tell them who she was. She would do that eventually. These were the people who were her family.

Jim should know first.

Then, their precious Lucy.

After a half hour, McCoy jerked up. "Where's Chekov and Sulu? Weren't they meeting us here? Mr. Scott?"

"They are obeying my orders," Spock said.

"Orders? What are they doing? I thought this day was for mostly relaxing. Like this," McCoy scowled. "God knows I need it after last night."

"Leonard, I'm sorry he was not more cordial to you." Once Jim knew who she was, hindsight would cause Jim more distress. How much pain has Jim held in or pushed onto other people because of Dr. Lester?

Carol must reveal her secret before more damage was done. She couldn't do that here to Nyota, Spock, and McCoy. She needed to see Jim. Show him how much she loved him.

Jim wouldn't allow that. He wouldn't see. She was Bria'lel, Ikaaran woman. No longer Carol to him. How could she get him to see who she was?

"Oh, Jim." The words slipped out, hardly a whisper. Someone's eyes were now upon her.

Spock's usual unflappable expression changed as her heart gaped open. Had he heard her? Did he see it? He wasn't touching her. He couldn't know.

It gave her an idea. A terrifying idea. Breath escaped her, just as it did last night seeing Jim for the first time after two years.

"Bria'lel, are you alright?" Nyota touched her arm. Hands shaking, Carol spilled her cup of tea. It clattered to the ground. The noise garnered more attention to her imbalanced emotions than she wanted from the visitors in the lobby.

"I...I..."

Carol ran from the lobby, bumping into another member of Starfleet. "Pardon me." Outside, a hovercraft waited for passengers.

She kept going, refusing to slow down until she reached a safe sidewalks surrounding the hotel split off into various directions. She took the partially wooded path versus the one winding its way directly to the busiest part of Riverside. Too many people, too many thoughts running through her head.

A few runners passed her as she jogged lightly. Wearing this outfit had been a good choice. Comfortable, easy enough in which to flee. How did she come to be like this? Afraid of her own shadow? How had she managed to even become a member of Starfleet again?

Even with her forged past, her falsified information did not hide her now timid nature. It came from the personality of the Ikaaran woman who saved her. She was nothing like the Carol she once was. The one Jim had loved.

Jim had loved the fight in her, the daring she did with him. He couldn't possibly love the fact she had to sleep with the light on, wouldn't enter the water for anything, and screeched when she saw a spider.

She was a completely different person, from the very core of her spirit to the ridges of her face. How could Jim love her now anyways, even if he could get past her humanoid form.

The solitude and fresh fall air calmed her. She concentrated on that, what she was doing now. Evening would arrive eventually and her nervousness would rise. Her comm beeped and drew her out of her somber wonderings. Carol adjusted to a nice, strolling walk and lifted her beeping comm. It was Nyota. She sent her a message back, telling them not to worry, she is on a walk, and she will return shortly.

The woods flanking the sidewalk tapered off. Carol's spirit lifted when she spotted a Ferris wheel ahead. This was a suburb of Riverside. Her running had taken her further than she'd thought. The fair was quaint, a few anti-gravity rides, games for children and adults, the Ferris wheel, and various vendors.

It was like stepping back in time. She decided to stay and buy herself pink cotton candy. The last time she'd had cotton candy, it'd been given to her by Jim as part her third anniversary present. Carol always loved fairs and in space they were sorely lacking so Jim did the best he could. He'd brought the fair to her, getting almost everyone on board the Enterprise involved in setting up the things she liked most about it. He even played a game to win a goofy stuffed animal for her. The animal had been donated by Chekov. The thought of it made her chuckle. She found the appropriate vendor and placed herself behind seven children awaiting the fluffy treat.

"Justin, remember Uncle Jim said get the pink kind for Luce."

A brown-haired boy about aged ten or eleven spoke to his taller companion. They were two spots up from Carol.

Of all her luck.

Uncle Jim. Luce?

She was standing behind her nephews.

"Aaron, of course Luce wants the pink. Look what's in your hand."

Carol muffled her laughter when she saw a bundle of about two dozen pink balloon strings hanging from Aaron's fists. It seemed her daughter loved pink, just like her. She moved closer, wishing the kid in front of her would change her mind and leave so she could move up.

"Oh, right."

Another minute listening to the boys talk about football, and their turn for ordering came.

"We'd like one pink and two blue, please." The tall boy, Justin, handed over the money. Aaron fiddled with the balloons.

"Why did we get these again?"

"Because your little cousin is infatuated with them," sighed Justin.

"All she does is let the damn balloons go!"

"It's her thing, you know that. And, hey watch the language. There's a lady behind ya, Aaron. Besides, you know better." Both boys looked back at Carol and then grinned and waved when she smiled at them.

"Justin, just spend your more time with Uncle Jim and you'll understand why I slip up once in awhile."

"Point taken. Now, let's go give these balloons to Luce."

Carol kept her eye on the boys. She paid the vendor and practically tore the cotton away from his hand. She followed them as best she could. The crowd had picked up but it seemed they were headed towards the outer edge, to an enclosed canopy.

She avoided the crowd as the boys did and stayed far enough away to remain unnoticed until they went into the canopy. One flap was sheer, the other three safer to stand beside. She picked the one side which allowed an escape outside of the fair if need be. It was shameful to follow her nephews and try to catch a glimpse of Lucy but she did it anyways. Her heart was breaking and if this was her chance, maybe one of the very few, she could see Lucy, she would make every effort.

Carol put her cotton candy in front of her face and waited for the right moment to peer into the canopy.

"Thanks Justin and Aaron." Jim laughed. "Luce, hold on."

Her baby girl did not make any sound, but Carol imagined her trying to lick the fluffy cloud and ending up with a bit on her nose.

Should she?

Carol turned her head ever so slightly. Out of the corner of her eye, Jim knelt in front of a hover stroller holding the cotton candy in front of their daughter. The boys sat on picnic tables, enjoying their fare. Lucy did not watch her father, but looked up at the ceiling with her little pink tongue sticking out.

Lucy's hair came to her chin. It was an almost-white blonde like Carol's had been as a child.

Lucy was beautiful.

Even with that smudge of cotton candy on her nose.

The balloons were tied to the back of the stroller. Maybe Lucy was trying to see them. Carol hoped she could stick around to watch her let them go, one by one. It was sweet Jim let her do that.

He loved their child.

Lucy began to wave her legs and arms uncontrollably when a sudden and steady drilling sound came from outside the canopy.

"What the...!" Jim yelled. He put the cotton candy down. "Justin, cover Lucy's ears."

Jim tore open the one canvas wall and a cloud of dust crept from around the flap.

Carol could not see what made the noise but Jim vocalized he was not happy.

"This is a place for families to quietly enjoy the fair. Did you see the notice?"

"Sorry, sir. Just doing our job."

"My daughter can't handle this noise while she eats her cotton candy! Do your job about ten miles down the road or you'll see my fists and _then_ be ten miles down the road."

"Okay, wow," the man said. "Sure, we can wait, man. No problem."

Jim pulled the canvas back down furiously. He coughed while the cloud of dust lingered in the air. He then picked up the cotton candy. The boys looked wide-eyed at their uncle. Lucy stopped her flapping and continued to look for the balloons.

Carol's heart broke into more pieces. She didn't know she had any more pieces left to break.

"What's wrong with people?" Trembling, Jim ran his hand through his hair. Dust from outside swirled inside the tent. "Maybe you should go get your dad, okay, Justin?"

He gasped a breath, his chest expanding fully. Leaning over the table, he braced himself with his arms.

"Uncle Jim, you alright?"

Jim's face had paled. "Just...get him." He choked the words out and sat down on the ground next to Lucy.

"Aaron, he's having some kind of attack!" Justin ran out of the canopy, passing Carol.

She saw Jim try to take a deep breath and fail. Aaron crouched next to Jim, his young face small and scared.

"What should I do, Uncle Jim?"

Jim couldn't answer. He couldn't breathe.

Carol knew what to do. She'd help Jim, Ikaaran or not.

"Anyone have an inhaler?" She screamed the question. For once, she wanted the attention. "Someone? I need an inhaler, now!"

She rushed to a fairly crowded lunch area opposite of the canopy. "Do any of you have an inhaler? Someone is having an asthma attack."

"Ma'am," a woman tapped her on the shoulder. "Here...it's mine."

"Thank you," she gasped. Racing back, she swallowed her fear of seeing Jim's reaction to her presence and entered the canopy.

He was terrified, flat on his back, and looking at Lucy like he knew he was dying. Then he was shocked, seeing Carol, and struggled with his breath even more.

"Aaron, please move," Carol knelt next to Jim, and lifted him up with one arm. With her other hand she placed the inhaler in his mouth. "I'm here to help you. Please stay calm."

He strained at first from her touch then relaxed as he heard a small sound from Lucy.

"Breathe, Jim." She said slowly, giving him two bursts of the medicine. "It will help."

"Aaron, hand me that paper cup the other table." Carol hoped it was clean. He handed it to her. It was. She withdrew the inhaler from Jim's mouth. After she poked a hole in the bottom, she pushed the aerosol mouthpiece through the can. She shook the can, placed it back into Jim's mouth, and made it puff. "Now, take four deep breaths, okay? Breathe in and out as best as you can, Jim."

He agreed, eyes slightly wild as he took her features in again. Carol could not imagine what he was thinking. She, a woman he threatened, helping him in this emergency.

The fourth time he breathed, she dropped her hand and the makeshift spacer from his face. "I'm going to give you five more puffs. Each time, you will take four deep breaths again, Jim."

The process was slow.

"Steady, Jim. Stay calm. Lucy's here. She's fine, trying to find her balloons."

Carol stroked his hair while all she thought of doing was touching his endearing beard. Jim's weight rested completely against hers. She felt the difference of physique. Never before was he so thin. Again, her heart took another beating. Her husband needed to stop what he was doing. Nyota was correct in her observations. His work was wearing him down. Carol could easily give the diagnose of occupational asthma. Hopefully, nothing more than that.

They were done, and Jim needed more treatment. "You can't lie down. We'll do this again in five minutes. I think we need to get a hold of McCoy."

"No...I'll be...fine."

He always said that.

"Think of your daughter, Jim," she whispered. Aaron's face was pinched in concern. Jim still struggled with his breaths, but it had improved. They needed to get out in fresh air, away from the lingering dust. "Aaron, when do you think your dad will arrive? We should get your uncle outside as soon as possible."

"He was meeting with someone in town, nearby. A few more minutes maybe?"

"Okay, okay," Carol said, as calm as possible. Jim coughed again. He didn't go into a fit but the fresh air was necessary.

"I'm...sorry." Jim's chest heaved up. He looked pained as he exhaled.

"Shhh, it's okay. Don't talk. Focus on your breath."

"No," Jim's eyes grew angry. "I'm...sorry."

Carol stopped stroking his hair. "I know you are hurting."

"No...excuse."

She let him rest. When it was time, she took the borrowed inhaler and spacer in her hand again. They began all over again. After this set, Jim could finally sit up on his own. He regained steady breathing, all while looking at his daughter. Carol got off the ground and sat on the closest bench.

In a quiet voice, Jim then said something to give her hope.

"You smell like strawberries, just like my wife did."


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: I am relieved the previous chapter went over so well. THANK YOU for ALL the kind and thoughtful reviews! To the guest reviewer who mentioned Encompass- yes, that was mine, but I pulled it until I can rework my writing. I do plan to keep the part about Jim sharing his past with Carol.

To the other guest reviewer, hurryupandwait, I was pleasantly surprised to read your contemplations about the story. I thought of a few of those while writing...it is nice to see them articulated by someone else. For those of you who thought Chapter 6 was heartbreaking and bittersweet, that means I accomplished my goal. It was one of the toughest chapters I have ever written. Thank you, DLB48, for hanging with me to beta this story!

* * *

The Ikaaran woman who saved his life smelled like strawberries. Jim's wife had loved that scent and consequently, so had Jim.

Jim was supposed to hate this woman, wasn't he? She represented all that had been taken away from him. He'd been a bully last night yet she came to his aid today, out of nowhere. He waited for that feeling of intense dislike to wash over him. He wasn't feeling anything like that at the moment.

All he felt was thankfulness that his daughter still had her father. He would have died had it not been for this woman.

"It's my favorite." The woman smiled at Lucy. The balloons captured Lucy's full attention It was common for her to become obsessed, enraptured with one thing, and one thing only, at a time. "As is the color pink."

She laughed at Lucy's tongue sticking out. Aaron tried to line up the cotton candy with Lucy's little tongue. He couldn't believe this woman would give Lucy so much attention. Only his sister-in-law did that.

Jim should ask her for her name and extend his thanks but he was fighting the flood of memories. As the woman held him, her nearness prompted more than the image of Carol holding Lucy. The familiar scent provoked bittersweet memories.

Curling his arms around Carol through the night as she slept. Touching her shoulder, arms, and hands when they passed each other on the bridge. Surprising her with an embrace when he couldn't take being away from her any longer.

He missed Carol. He wanted Carol. He needed Carol.

Jim should get away from the Ikaaran woman. Far, far away. Slowly, he pulled himself up to the bench.

He forgot who was sitting there. She startled as he made his place beside her. She more than startled. She actually jumped an inch.

Now he could smell the strawberries again. He could scoot down. There was plenty of room on the bench remaining to his right but that would be rude. He couldn't be rude now. Maybe not altogether friendly, but rude? No.

"Jim! What happened?" Sam flew into the sheltered area. Justin followed behind. "I'm sorry I couldn't get here faster. Justin said you were having some sort of attack."

Sam stopped dumbfounded as he looked from the Ikaaran woman to Jim.

"I'm fine, now, Sam," Jim said evenly. He anticipated Sam's next barrage of questions. However, he hoped Sam would wait until the woman left.

"You're fine now," Sam guffawed. "So, you weren't fine a minute ago? Are you going to listen to me now? See a doctor?"

"Sam, drop it. Not here."

"You want me to always drop it. I'm tired of you avoiding the subject." Sam snapped. He turned to the Ikaaran woman. "Hello, I'm Sam Kirk."

"Bria'lel, medical assistant on the Enterprise."

Jim shouldn't be thinking of some other woman's name as sweet but as she said it, he closed his eyes. It rolled off her tongue.

Bria'lel.

It rolled off his tongue.

It seemed to fit her.

Carol. Should think of Carol, not Bria'lel. It was too difficult, though. He thought of Carol when he thought of Bria'lel. Her humanoid form, the strawberries, and now...the woman says she likes pink, his wife's favorite color?

Jim was screwed.

"Oh my God," said Sam. His chuckling annoyed Jim. It was coming, the infamous Kirk sarcasm. "You're the woman whom Jim told not to come over tonight, aren't you? How ironic, Jim."

Jim glared at him. "I suppose it is funny for you, Sam."

"More than funny. It serves you right. You were a bully." Sam snorted and sat on the other side of Bria'lel. "Did he apologize yet?"

"He did," said Bria'lel quietly.

"Oh, well, good."

"Don't look so surprised. I had planned on doing that tonight."

"I doubt it." Sam glared back at Jim. Bria'lel squirmed in her seat between the two men.

"I can be cordial when it serves a purpose."

"Not lately."

"I can't believe you said that, Sam." Jim couldn't withhold his distress from his voice. "You of all people know what plays through my mind."

"I also know you need to work through it and working in that quarry is going to get you killed!"

"Oh, so we're back to that again," yelled Jim.

Jim stood up. Sam stood up. They faced each other as they did often when the discussion came to this height.

Angry. Frustrated. Ready to punch each other's lights out. The only reason Jim refrained was Lucy. Out of the corner of his eye, her attention had fallen from the balloons and onto her father.

"Mr. Kirk, Jim," interrupted Bria'lel, "can you wait to hold this discussion until later? Mr. Kirk, can you make sure Jim gets fresh air now and takes it easy. He shouldn't be around any dust of any kind until he sees a doctor. It is unsafe for him."

"Wait, what happened to Jim?" Sam asked. "Bria'lel?"

Jim opened his mouth to protest but Aaron beat even Bria'lel to the punch.

"Uncle Jim got mad at some guys drilling outside because it bothered Lucy. Dust came in and Uncle Jim couldn't breathe. This lady came in with an inhaler and helped Uncle Jim breathe again."

Jim decided now was a good time to get Lucy out of the hover stroller. He fiddled with the buttons.

"He couldn't breathe? You used an inhaler?"

"Mr. Kirk," Bria'lel responded to his brother's worry with a soothing tone. Lucy went willingly into Jim's arms. "He could not breathe. I was able to locate an inhaler to administer medicine to him."

"He almost died, didn't he?"

Jim couldn't hug his daughter tight enough.

"Mr. Kirk, Jim needs to see a doctor immediately. I suggest taking him to the hospital or allowing Dr. McCoy to assess him tonight." Bria'lel's asserted.

"So, he has asthma? You used an inhaler to help him, right? That's insane. How does a grown man have asthma?"

"I believe it's only occupational asthma. I hope nothing more," she replied. With a sigh, she looked at Jim. "Jim, you work at the quarry?"

Lucy turned her face towards Bria'lel as she spoke, but did not make eye contact. One of these days, maybe Lucy would succeed. Jim murmured encouragement in Lucy's ears despite being asked the question.

"He does," Sam looked pointedly at Jim.

"Jim, you should not return to work unless you talk to a doctor about the risks."

Bria'lel's assertiveness dug into Jim's skin. He had to go back there. He would go back there. He'd make a way, somehow.

"And if he doesn't see a doctor?"

Lucy wriggled. Jim set her down on the grass inside the canopy, curious to what his daughter wanted. She managed to glance at Bria'lel, then her attention went elsewhere. The sky, probably looking for her balloons.

Then her eyes went back to Bria'lel for a split second. Lucy never glanced at her own family members, let alone a stranger.

"He will very likely have another attack without appropriate medication available."

"Jim, please." Sam pleaded like Jim never heard him. "I love Lucy, but I don't want to raise her as my own."

"Sam," Jim sighed, weary with the whole thing.

"Don't argue with me this time, Jimmy."

"You don't understand."

"No, you don't. What is more important. This...this...thing you're specifically trying to do in the quarry or your own life? I know it's more than just working. It's something else, little brother."

Sam would never forgive him for not telling him about Frank's letter. Jim would never forgive himself for stopping his search when he was so damn close. For Winona, the mother he'd hoped to have but never did and never would. For Lucy to perhaps have a chance of having the attention of a grandmother, he'd find it. For the hope of his family piecing together.

Jim picked up Lucy. Her face pressed into his neck. It was sticky but it gave a normalcy to the moment. "Justin, will you bring the stroller outside?"

"Oh, we're going back to this. Bria'lel, do you hear him? He won't listen even to you," said Sam. "Jim, I called Spock last night and I'll do it again today."

His nephew's face swam in the middle of all those balloons. Despite all that pink, he willingly helped his uncle. Justin was like that. Helpful and understanding. Sam raised both of his children well.

Jim was finished with this conversation for now, but first, he'd give Sam an ultimatum.

"That won't be necessary, Sam. I'll see a doctor. Monday. However, don't expect an explanation of what I've been doing."

"Monday is two days too long. I don't give a damn about an explanation as long as my kid brother takes care of himself."

Once more, Jim and Sam squared off. Lucy's limbs flailed, sensing Jim's tension. He closed his eyes, wishing his life had taken a different turn than it had two years ago.

"Jim, would it not be best for you to ask for Dr. McCoy's expertise tonight? With all your history?"

Bria'lel played that card well. He glared at her. How did she know to do that? Mention his past medical history. Bones had a big mouth or she was nosey. Jim was famous for running into one allergy issue then another. He was shocked the inhaler hadn't caused any other allergic reaction. She was correct, though.

"You're right." He spit out the two words as if they were poison.

Sam and Bria'lel were about protest when they realized he had relented.

"Can you both pull your eyes back into your sockets so Lucy can let go of her prized balloons?" He stalked out to search for a quiet place away from the activity of the fair. Beyond the Ferris wheel was a small lake. Perfect.

Justin no doubt followed him. Sam and Aaron, too. He placed Lucy in the stroller after he reached the lake. She found her balloons above her head and stared.

Jim did not expect to see Bria'lel walk over and hand Lucy yet another pink balloon. Watching her, he realized he'd not yet said thank you. Nor goodbye.

"Sweetie, I brought you another balloon. Your father and cousins didn't buy you enough," Bria'lel smiled. Justin and Aaron laughed. The woman was sincere, unafraid of his child who did not behave normally. Jim's stomach somersaulted when Bria'lel took a hold of Lucy's hand and placed the string in her palm. Bria'lel closed his little girl's hand with her own gently.

The Ikaaran woman was so close to his daughter. He couldn't watch.

They'd left Carol, their baby. All six of those women.

His face warmed, he swallowed hard, and then felt a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Steady, Jimmy," whispered Sam. "Do you see that? Your daughter is actually looking straight at her."

Jim didn't want to see it. He shook his head.

"Jimmy, look. It's amazing."

"I can't."

They left Carol. She died.

"Yes, you can. For Lucy." Sam squeezed his shoulder in encouragement.

He listened to his brother. Lucy and Bria'lel were wrapped up in a look together that Jim could not fathom. It was a combination of adoration and wonder from each of them. Bria'lel let go of his daughter's hand. He expected Lucy to release the balloon but she didn't. She stared at Bria'lel, then back at her balloon, then to Bria'lel.

She did that with Jim on rare occasions when she wanted to make sure he was watching what she was doing. He had to explain that to Bria'lel.

"Bria'lel." Saying the Ikaaran woman's name for the first time turned his stomach even more. His face flushed when she looked at him. Some of that adoration still shone in her eyes that she had for Lucy. He cleared his throat and ran his hand through his beard. Two nervous habits that got the attention of the woman kneeling beside his little girl.

"Jim?"

"She...Lucy...wants to make sure y..you... are watching what she is...go..going to do." What the heck was wrong with him? He didn't stutter. Well, he had before but that was a long time ago, when his attraction to Carol first began. He rubbed his beard again and left his hand there to cup his jaw.

This made him nervous.

Bria'lel. Lucy. Pink.

"Oh, is that why she didn't let her balloon go yet." Bria'lel smiled again at Lucy. "Okay, sweetie. I'm watching."

The Ikaaran woman pointed at the balloon, giving Jim's daughter that adoring look once more.

Lucy tilted her head up to the sky and let go.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Here is a little more of that bittersweet...Chapter 9 will change it up a little with a different POV. Thanks again for following along!

* * *

For Jim's sake, Carol bought that balloon. It was an excuse to stick around even if it were for a few moments longer. How had she even managed with all of Jim's stubbornness in their marriage? He was even more so now. His decision to not see a doctor today worried her. If he had another attack, he'd be helpless.

Spending time with Jim and his family was dangerous for Carol's already waning facade. She wished to exchange the smiles she gave her daughter for words of truth. Instead of helping Lucy as Bria'lel, Ikaaran woman, she desired to assist her as a mother should. When Carol watched Jim, her desire to watch him as a wife watches her husband stretched her emotions thin.

"Bria'lel, I think Lucy wants you to watch her again," Aaron said excitedly. Carol's nephews gave Lucy the balloons, one by one. One by one, the two year old released her treasures in solemn fashion.

Jim had already stepped away from them all, brooding. In fact, his bad mood took him to the other side of the lake. Lucy, too caught up in her moment of play, did not mind her absent father. She fixated on what floated in the sky.

"Don't mind him," Sam said, nodding towards his brother. "He's upset, more likely with himself than you."

Jim did not watch over his daughter. Instead, his eyes followed the miles and miles of cornfields.

"If I leave, will he come back and be with his daughter?" As much as Carol wanted to be there with Lucy, her presence caused Jim more pain.

"Maybe. He's being a moron, though. The way he treats you? Unacceptable. It's been two years since his wife died."

"I don't think that is something one can get over."

"No, but he cannot blame every single Ikaaran woman he meets for his wife's death."

"Is that what he does?"

"It's more than that," Sam hesitated, looking sorrowful, then plowed through his own pain. "When my brother sees an Ikaaran woman, the image of Carol, dead, and Lucy, in her arms, replays in his mind."

"I should go."

This was as torturous for Carol as it was for Jim. It was unspeakable- the anguish which her very face caused Jim to feel.

She had to leave. This was selfish, unbelievably selfish.

"No, don't go," Sam hurried to say. "Look at what you did with Lucy. No one but Jim has been able to do that."

"What do you mean?"

She had given Lucy a balloon as the others did, that was all.

"She looked straight at you. She won't look at her own uncle, aunt, or cousins, Bria'lel. Only Jim. It was amazing."

"That is why he is brooding, isn't it?"

Poor Jim.

"You got that right. The woman he thinks he should hate got his daughter to do something she only does for him." Sam said with glee. "I love when he's taken down a notch. I love it more when Lucy surprises us with something like this. It doesn't happen often. It gives us hope that some day she'll smile or begin to speak. So, please. Please stay."

Their daughter needed her.

Her husband disliked her.

Her husband was broken for their daughter.

Carol decided to stay.

"Fabulous." Sam grinned. "I'll go tell Jim. My boys wanted to visit more of this fair anyways."

Sam's confidence remained even when Jim clenched his fists and yelled in his face. Carol made herself comfortable on the bench, trying her best to ignore the brothers arguing by the lake. Lucy sat beside her in the hover stroller. The boys skipped stones on the water, oblivious to the battle ensuing between their father and uncle. Jim's displeasure at Carol's continuing presence was clear.

Carol couldn't dwell on that. Her daughter needed her.

Every so often, Lucy peered shyly at her and every time her daughter made eye contact, Carol gave her the sweetest smile she could. All seemed pleasant around Lucy and Carol until Jim marched up to the bench. Jim sat as if he was preparing for battle from the command chair. Then, he leaned over, hands clasped on his knees and made every effort to not look at her.

"My brother said he invited you to enjoy a few more hours of the fair with him and his boys."

Unspoken was his request for her to leave.

"Your brother was delighted that Lucy made eye contact with me."

"Yes, I know." Jim couldn't grind his teeth anymore than this, surely. His head bent at an unnatural direction to avoid her even more.

"Has that ever happened before?" She knew the answer, but she tried drawing Jim out with questions about Lucy.

"No." Jim's posture softened as their child found her father's face.

Lucy wriggled. Jim grinned. Carol's eyes watered at the instant change in her husband's countenance.

"She wants out, doesn't she?"

"That's right." Jim was startled. "How did you know?"

"It's the flapping wriggle that shows she's upset. This is the get me out of here right now wriggle."

Her simple observations finally caught Jim's attention. She fell in love with his brilliant blue eyes all over again, despite the apprehension engrained in them.

He said nothing although a million emotions played across his face. He also continued to stare at Carol while Lucy wriggled.

"Are you going to get her out of there, or shall I?"

"Wh...what?" He blinked. "Oh. Lucy."

With a few buttons and the help of her father, Lucy escaped the hover stroller and now sat on the grass.

"Where did your brother and his boys wander off to?"

"What?" Jim stood up. They were out of sight. Carol had not even been aware enough to see them leave. "Oh, great. Just great. Sam, you sneaky -"

"Jim!"

"Sorry." Jim flushed and rubbed his hand on his beard in that new, nervous habit of his.

"Wait, how did you happen to be around here anyways?" Jim frowned at her. "I mean, I'm grateful you were, but didn't you all have meetings today?"

Carol sighed in contemplation. Her life now involved so much untruth.

"I strolled the path outside of the hotel longer than expected. I saw the fair and couldn't help myself." She grinned at Lucy. "I was right behind your nephews to get myself cotton candy and heard them talking."

"That's how you knew their names."

She nodded and plopped down beside Lucy on the grass, uncaring if she'd wear a little dirt on her clothes later. It was worth playing with her daughter.

"Why were you outside the canopy?"

Jim's questions were ones any parent would ask when a near-stranger came along as she did. She answered them respectfully and honestly.

"Those balloons. Could you see your nephews' faces at all when they returned? I was too curious."

"That was quite humorous." Jim chuckled. "You should see what all they do to spoil their little cousin. They're worse than I am."

She wanted to see. It was Carol's turn to look away.

"Um, did I say something wrong?"

His caring released her tears.

"I'm so sorry. I...I need to go." Rushing to her feet, she began to walk away.

"No...wait. Bria'lel!"

She ignored Jim, wiping her eyes as she started off into a run. This was no use, any of it. Trying to talk to Jim as if she did not know him.

"Bria'lel, wait." Jim, Lucy, and the hover stroller were already parallel with her. "I'm sorry...Please. Stop."

She didn't want to and ran faster. It was quite the role reversal. She avoiding him. Jim trying to draw her out.

"What did I say? If you leave...I will have to face...the wrath of Sam." Jim huffed. "Facing...the wrath of Sam...is not nice. You've seen it. Bria'lel...please!"

She didn't stop. Jim's voice became distant.

"Besides...I think...I'm out...of shape."

She forgot about his health. How could she do that? Guilt ridden, she turned around. Jim was leaning against the stroller.

Oh no. She raced back.

"Jim, are you having another attack?"

"No," he groaned. "I'm just...winded."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." Jim had always kept himself in shape. He didn't have time or his health was more of a concern than she thought.

"You shouldn't be...the one...apologizing. I scared you away." He touched her arm. "Are you alright?"

Jim's hand was so warm. She looked at her arm. His eyes widened at what he'd done. Slowly, he lifted his hand off of her arm. If she was still able to read her husband right, it was with reluctance that he did so.

"I...I..." Jim ran a hand over his beard. The stroller moved. "Let's go win a stuffed animal for Lucy. You game?"

* * *

"Jim, that's the sixth animal you are trying win for her," Carol mused, looking at the two on Lucy's lap and the other three a pile on top of the hover stroller. "Do you really need to win again?"

"I sure do. This is fun."

Jim squinted one eye as he took aim and threw the last dart. It hit the target with a satisfying pop. Jim grinned proudly at Carol. He already looked ridiculous wearing a balloon hat and carrying Lucy's pink cotton candy. Jim took his prize from the vendor and tucked it under his arm.

"This fair comes once a year. No where else but here can I play like this. I never got to do things like this as a kid," he sighed. "Plus, it reminds me of the good times with Carol. She loved fairs."

Tears pricked Carol's eyes. Jim's childhood had been anything but normal. He'd succeeded in providing Lucy with much more than he had despite his dreary past. Carol's love for him flourished as she thought of how much work he had done to raise their child by himself. Her husband was truly remarkable.

"I'm sorry," she choked out.

"Don't be. I'm thankful I can do this with Lucy." Jim looked away and cleared his throat. Clearly, he was uncomfortable. A few seconds passed and then Jim quickly removed the balloon hat from his head. With a smirk he placed it on Carol head. "It looks better on you."

"I don't doubt that at all," she said, laughing. She guided the stroller past the games. Longingly, she watched the Ferris wheel. Jim watched the crowd.

"I see Sam." Jim sighed. "Finally."

"I'm sorry he tricked you."

"It's not that, Bria'lel," Jim shrugged. He bit off a piece of Lucy's cotton candy. "I apologize for being such an jerk. I feel like I need to make it up to you."

"Giving me this time to spend with your daughter was plenty, Jim," Carol replied honestly.

"I have an idea." He rushed to say. "I'll be right back."

He took Lucy in the stroller, stuffed animals, and cotton candy over to Sam and his boys. In a minute, he returned, empty handed and unsmiling.

"What's wrong?"

"Walk with me."

Silently, she did as he asked. After a mere dozen steps or so, she realized where he was leading them.

"We..we're going up there?" She barely breathed the question out.

"Yup." Jim smiled then. "I saw you look over here. You can't go up on one of these alone, you know. Even if you are used to space."

Carol froze as he gave the man the credits to ride. She didn't understand why her feet wouldn't move. She also didn't understand why her heart started pounding rapidly.

"Bria'lel?" Jim took her hand, pulling her towards their seat. "I thought you'd been on a Ferris wheel before."

"I have," she whispered. She felt sick. She tried to appear brave by smiling. It must've looked like a grimace for the look of concern on Jim's face.

"Let's enjoy this," Jim said. He helped her in the rocking, wobbly, shaking seat for two. Her heart thumped out of her chest as they were swept up into the motion of the ride. She longed for the touch of Jim's hand again, but his arm stretched out on the ledge behind her.

At least he wasn't having a heart attack.

Carol couldn't remember ever being afraid of heights. When Jim asked her to view the scenery below them, she shook her head and tightly closed her eyes. They were at the top now. A light-headedness filtered through her mind and a sinking feeling down to her stomach.

She was going to fall.

She felt like she was going to die.

"Bria'lel," Jim said softly. "Are you okay?"

"I can't look."

Jim scooted over closer to her. Her stomach rolled.

"I am going to die."

"Oh my God. You're afraid of heights. Why didn't you say something?" Jim put his arm around her.

"I forgot?"

Carol didn't know she was afraid of heights now. A tear ran down her face. She hadn't meant to make this miserable for Jim, too.

"You're not alone. I'm here. It'll be okay," Jim squeezed her shoulders reassuringly. "I'm so sorry."

"I forgot," she gasped. "You couldn't know."

She hadn't known.

"I'm going to be sick." She didn't want to be sick. She'd never been ill on a Ferris wheel before.

"Wow, okay," Without hesitation, Jim took off his sweater, leaving only a black t-shirt to ward off the chill in the air. Jim bundled up the sweater and held it out in front of her. He urged her gently. "Here. Go for it."

"I can't do that in your sweater," she wailed. It was a perfect sweater for Jim, accentuating the blue in his eyes. She couldn't do that to such a perfect article of clothing.

"Yes, yes you can. Besides, it's better than Bones throwing up on my boots. Which he did when we first met."

She couldn't help it. She used his sweater.

"I'm so embarrassed," she cried. "Oh, please don't mention this...to anyone."

Jim rolled up the once-perfect sweater even more and placed it by his feet, unfazed by what she'd done. "Don't worry. I won't. Do you feel better?"

Carol trembled and leaned into him as he once more put his arm on the ledge behind her. She never imagined after last night that he would voluntarily be so close to her. His other arm wrapped her in a safe embrace.

"Yes. I do."


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: I've really enjoyed writing and sharing this story, so I'm grateful to those who are reading, like this fic, and want more! I appreciate all those comments. If you spy any plot bunnies, please ignore them. ;0 Although, I've tried my best to avoid such things. Many thanks to DLB48 for beta reading- I can never say that enough. I almost forgot... this chapter briefly mentions, in general, the events which occurred in my other story, Escape Artist. This chapter also mentions a character I developed quite differently compared to her counterpart in TOS. It doesn't mean you have to read the other story at all. I just wanted to clarify that bit. If you have questions, feel free to PM me.

I do have a reason for Carol's identity to remain hidden still. There is a simple (very "Bria'lel"-like) reason Carol has not revealed herself to Jim yet. When it is revealed, how it is revealed...you'll see, eventually. Yes, I'm milking this for all it's worth! I won't make you wait TOO much longer. Each scene has a specific role, and the scene at the end of this chapter is important for a few reasons, but to add trauma (they are already dealing with a lot here) to a character is not one of them. One reason is..well...bittersweet...and you'll see in the NEXT chapter.

* * *

Four hours after Bria'lel raced from the lobby, Uhura observed her return through the window. The medical assistant, fixated on the pink balloon she held, barely missed the columns outside the entrance. Bria'lel blushed and lowered her balloon.

No one but Uhura noticed the almost-mishap.

No one other than Uhura also saw the soft, adoring expression on Bria'lel's face. It was a far cry from the emotional place the medical assistant was hours ago. Where had she been? She almost missed the most important part of the conference today for the medical staff.

"Bria'lel, I'm so glad you're here."

"I forgot about the conference," the medical assistant flushed. "Where's Dr. McCoy?"

"You're in luck. It's the first floor, room 125. He's waiting for you now."

"Here, will you take this for me?" Bria'lel handed her the balloon.

"A balloon?"

"Long story," said Bria'lel. She studied her clothes. "I'm a mess. I can't go in like this!"

"If you go to your room to change, I'll comm Dr. McCoy for you. He can save you a seat."

Bria'lel didn't move for a few seconds. She stared at the balloon in Nyota's hand, and then down at herself again. "How long was I gone?"

"Four hours."

"Four hours?" Bria'lel's voice squeaked. "I didn't realize. I'm so sorry. I missed everything else, too, didn't I. The captain?"

"He is waiting to hear from you, but after this session. Do you want me to tell him anything?"

That expression lit Bria'lel's face again. "I saw Jim."

Uhura didn't expect to hear that Bria'lel went from one disaster with Jim to another. The look on Bria'lel's face didn't match up. Jim treated Bria'lel inconsiderately. Why would she seem...infatuated?

"What happened?

"I needed some fresh air and jogged right to a fair right outside Riverside. He was there with family." Bria'lel said. "I should inform Dr. McCoy about the incident first. I'm sorry. I need to change."

"Are you okay? Why do you need to talk to Dr. McCoy? Is Jim okay?"

"I'm fine. Jim's fine, now. Nyota, I'll explain later." Bria'lel took off for her room, balloon forgotten.

Although she liked the medical assistant, Nyota willed the balloon to pop.

She hated pink.

It leered at her the entire way up to her own room. Never before had Nyota detested a balloon. Spock waited inside, sitting at her desk with his PADD.

"Nyota, you are carrying a pink balloon," he said with one eyebrow perfectly arched.

"Lovely, isn't it?" Nyota tied it around a small potted plant on the desk. "It's not mine."

"I did not believe it to be."

"It's Bria'lel's."

"She has returned."

"From a fair, no less. Spock, she said she saw Jim and there was another incident."

Spock straightened in his chair. "Was she harmed?"

"No, she wanted to talk first with Dr. McCoy about what happened. She said he was fine now."

"The incident must concern his health." Spock responded. He stiffened, and lifted his comm. "I will contact his brother, Sam, first. I cannot wait for the medical session to end to speak with Dr. McCoy and Bria'lel."

Uhura made notes on her PADD. In truth, she was making a list of all the ways she could think of to pop that balloon. She was tuned to Spock's conversation even as he went into the bedroom for privacy. Uhura stopped her list at #8, Spock's pointy ears. Spock's voice, too low the previous minute, reached a higher decibel level in his fear.

"Jim would have died if Bria'lel had not followed Jim's nephews and therefore intervened," said Spock to Sam. "Has Jim shown any additional symptoms? Did the inhaler cause any allergic reaction?"

Uhura blinked. Inhaler? She went to the bedroom. Spock's voice leveled as she came beside him and pulled him beside her to sit on the bed.

"Are you certain Jim agreed to speak with Dr. McCoy tonight?" Spock asked.

Sam's response was affirmative. Spock's relaxed his clenched fists.

"We will arrive in two hours." He paused, listening to Sam one last time. Spock did not speak after the conversation with Sam but held his comm tightly in his hands. Spock's worry for Jim never ended.

He cocked an eye at Nyota after one minute.

"Jim gave the balloon to thank Bria'lel."

Nyota could not believe the segway Spock used to begin the conversation. Nyota would have to delete her list.

"You've got to be kidding me. She saves his life and he gives her a balloon?"

"After she saved his life, Bria'lel spent an additional three hours with them. Lucy and Bria'lel connected. Sam informed me that Jim never asked her to leave."

"What do you mean they connected? That is a good thing, but isn't Jim harboring ill feelings for Ikaaran women?"

"Lucy focused her eyes on Bria'lel." Spock weighed his next words. "I believe Bria'lel's connection with Lucy has assisted Jim psychologically. However, it is his health which is more concerning. Bria'lel believes he is suffering from occupational asthma."

"Spock," Uhura breathed relief. "If that is true, we cannot leave Monday. They need more time. Jim needs help with Lucy. We will meet her, and then see what is driving him, Spock. I'm worried it's more than what he told me. Obviously, he is not taking care of himself."

Soock retrieved his PADD, but looked at hers first.

"Nyota," Spock said, "My ears will not pop a balloon."

Uhura flushed.

"Also, Nyota, I have already obtained the additional information you wish to acquire."

Uhura's heart was awfully tender when it came to Jim's difficulties in life.

It broke as Spock informed her of Winona and her desire for her husband's medal in her degrading mental state.

Her heart wasn't done shattering. Spock told her of Jim, who for the past year and a half, had strenuously worked himself to this physical state, for the very woman who'd abandoned him time after time.

"He can't be doing that, Spock. She left him. He was abused, taken away, almost died as a child." She laid on her bed, distraught over Lucy, whose father desperately searched for that which would comfort her grandmother. "He's doing all of this? How can Jim stand it? Living with her, with that cruel past, Spock? And ill, himself?"

"Nyota, he agreed to speak with McCoy tonight."

"But...our poor captain...he..." Uhura hardly heard Spock as she cried for Jim, who once more faced a crucial point with his health and almost died for his family.

Her tears fell as she thought of autistic Lucy, whose father was at a loss to help her amidst all the difficulty around him.

"He's st...still...trying...to...Lucy" Uhura could not explain herself.

"Yes, Nyota. Jim is always thinking of Lucy despite these things," Spock understood.

Jim must relinquish something, but the Jim Kirk they knew would not let go of anything.  
He would try to do it all, or kill himself in the process.

Her incessant burdened feelings lasted for twenty minutes. Spock finally laid his hand on her back, softening her thoughts. Within minutes, she felt at peace, confident in what Spock explained to her. The crew would help Jim. They were already.

"So that's where they've been all day," Nyota hiccuped. "Searching for the medal."

"They are all experienced rock climbers."

Scotty, Chekov, and Sulu.

Amazing that Jim had a hand in cultivating their skills. Scotty on Revlair, then Sulu. Chekov, after Jim and Carol vanished on their honeymoon.

"Are they any closer?"

"Mr. Scott informed me they are 20.4% closer to finding the entire car. Any piece of the glove compartment remains to be found."

"Did you mention this to Jim?"

He would not like it, guaranteed.

"No, but he cannot continue to search for the medal, Nyota."

She was going to cry again. Jim did not accept gifts well.

"You said we will arrive at Sam's house in two hours. That is earlier than previously scheduled."

"Yes, Jim requires a medical exam and I would like to spend time with Lucy before her bedtime." Spock pulled up a screen on his PADD and showed Uhura.

Uhura read the screen.

"Jim will never agree to this." Uhura felt sick. "Especially with what happened before."

"Nyota, that was over five years ago."

She was well aware of that, but the experience had been horrific for Jim.

"I understand the emotional trauma that was inflicted upon Jim," Spock continued. "I believe this will help Lucy. I will attempt to convince Jim of this and give him time to relent and acclimate himself to the idea."

"Spock, you're talking about sending Lucy to live on a different planet! He would never leave his daughter like that!"

"The conditions surrounding Lucy's birth were unnatural, Nyota. It is logical to approach her autism in a unique way. Sam informed me of Lucy's prominent behaviors. The similarities of Lucy's behavior to the behavior of these other children are numerous."

Uhura reread the screen.

"Spock, these are Vulcan children. Very different from Lucy."

"A few human children live at the facility also. Those who care for them are highly qualified." Spock changed the screen. "Nyota..."

She read the names, half-relieved at her recognition of them. The argument with Spock frustrated her.

"That may help, Spock, I admit. Ambassador Spock and Miss Karidian?"

"Their presence is the reason I believe Jim will accept.

"However, they may not agree," countered Uhura.

"They have already," said Spock.

"Spock, you can't speak on Jim's behalf," argued Uhura. "You know Jim. He will not like it."

"I merely questioned in order to have the appropriate response for Jim when he poses the same question."

"Please, Spock. Don't overwhelm Jim tonight with all of this. Let him speak first with McCoy."

The logical side of Spock, in trying to solve Jim's problems, crowded his human side. He was was forgetting Jim's emotional health.

"Nyota, the sooner he-"

"Spock. He is a widower, with a small child who probably reminds him of his wife every day. If she is separated from him, what do you think will happen?"

"I believe he will realize where he belongs," said Spock, with a softening to his voice only Uhura could detect. "Miss Karidian agreed to come aboard the Enterprise to help with Lucy if Jim so desires."

Uhura finally understood Jim and Lucy would not have to be separated. Nonetheless, she was overwhelmed by the idea. She could not imagine Jim's thoughts.

"You forgot one thing, Spock. Jim resigned. There's no guarantee Starfleet would take him back."

Spock relaxed his mouth to a knowing smile.

"Nyota, that is exactly what our captain wished for us to believe."

* * *

The time arrived for them to leave for Jim's farmhouse. Dr. McCoy commed Spock that he and Bria'lel already waited in the lobby, their medical session complete. Spock's brisk stride forced Uhura to jog.

Dr. McCoy and Bria'lel were nowhere in sight.

"Spock, do you see them?"

His eyes told her no, but he continued scanning the room.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I do not know you."

It was Bria'lel, sounding timid, with an edge of fear set in her voice.

"You're my sister. You look just like her."

"Sir, I am not her." Bria'lel cried. "Please, let go of me."

Spock took off towards the lift. Uhura followed. Soon, she observed an Ikaaran man dressed in street clothes holding on to Bria'lel's wrist. Dr. McCoy was nowhere in sight.

"You have to be her." The man argued. "Your voice. It's the same. You disappeared a few years ago. Maybe you had an accident. Is anyone with you?"

"Please, let me go. I do not know you!"

"You're my sister."

"I'm not your sister." Bria'lel tried to twist her arm out of the man's grasp.

Spock forced himself in between Bria'lel and the stranger. The man lost his hold on her.

"Sir, you are offending a member of Starfleet. I advise you to back away." Spock's cold tone drifted around the lobby. His hard Vulcan stare caught more attention. One by one, people stopped.

"She...she looks just like my missing sister. That's all." The man spoke with sadness. He looked at Bria'lel hopefully.

Bria'lel trembled, her arms crossed in front of her. She rubbed her shoulders and shook her head. "I'm not her. I'm so sorry."

Something about the way Bria'lel stood was heartbreaking, as if the medical assistant was experiencing another incident from another time and place. Uhura wrapped both her arms around Bria'lel and pulled her close.

"Sir, you better leave."

"I apologize." With a hooded expression, the man walked dejectedly away. Uhura held no pity. He'd physically terrorized Bria'lel, unrelenting in his questions.

"Bria'lel, did he hurt you?" Spock questioned with quiet authority.

She shook her head, then nodded.

"Your wrist?"

Bria'lel nodded, still troubled. Uhura held her close as gently as possible. Bria'lel's reaction had been strong to the man. On instinct, Uhura decided they would have to tread carefully to make sense of it.

"Bria'lel, what happened?" Dr. McCoy returned. He inquired gently, but Bria'lel continued in her distress. "I am so sorry I left you. I was talking, and..."

Relieved he hadn't used a loud voice, Uhura motioned with her head to McCoy that they should move away from the crowd. Spock remained behind. Uhura assumed it was to ensure that man never saw Bria'lel again.

Uhura directed Bria'lel outside to where their transport waited. Once inside, Bria'lel calmed little by little. Uhura spoke soothingly to her in Ikaaran. Bria'lel leaned her head back on the seat. Dr. McCoy sat on the opposite side of Bria'lel. He lifted her arm, pulling up her sleeves.

"My God!" McCoy exclaimed with his usual thunder. A bruise shadowed her wrist. "How did you get this?"

"A man mistakingly thought Bria'lel was his sister. He grabbed her wrist out of misguided familiarity."

"I'm fine, really." Bria'lel pulled away her arm.

Dr. McCoy's comm beeped.

"Spock is bringing the man and security to the transport. Bria'lel, be honest with them."

Bria'lel would not want to be. The woman did not want to harm anyone.

Ten minutes later, however, the medical assistant surprised them all. She looked straight at the man who'd assaulted her and denied once again even knowing him. She told security of the assault with precision. After the man apologized, the man agreed never to speak or go near her again. A small charge was pressed, to the dismay of Bria'lel, and she began to tremble once more.

Uhura did not know what to make of it. The medical assistant's fearfulness did seem out of place, even for Bria'lel. Uhura pulled her back into the transport.

"Do you think it wise for you to go with us to see Jim?" Uhura asked Bria'lel in Ikaaran after Spock and McCoy found their seats.

"Just give me a minute or two to compose myself," Bria'lel replied in turn. "I need to be there."

"For Lucy?"

"Yes, for Lucy."

"You are a brave woman." Uhura spoke with sincerity, continuing in Ikaaran.

"No, Nyota. It is your former captain who is brave as he raises a daughter all on his own."

Uhura could usually read people well. At the moment, the medical assistant was desperate to hide something. She tried again, wanting Bria'lel to be truthful with her so she could help.

"Something else is wrong, Bria'lel. Can you tell me?"

"Nyota, I..." Bria'lel pressed her lips together.

"Will you tell me what is bothering you?" Uhura asked once more. "I would like to help you."

Bria'lel tilted her head at Uhura. "I promise you, Nyota. Someday, you will know. Someday, I will need your friendship even more."

Uhura accepted her honesty but wondered still as she settled back in her seat for their transport to Sam Kirk's house.

A few seconds later, Bria'lel added to her sentence ever so softly. "And this will maybe all make sense. Even to me."


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: I appreciate the speculation going. I can't give away anything except that one result of Chapter 9's last scene comes into play here, and I think (hope?) you'll like it.

Thanks again for following along!

* * *

Jim's heart took a beating when Bria'lel left for the hotel. If he hadn't been so apprehensive of running into his crew, he would have accompanied her. Without thinking, Jim slipped in line to buy her a balloon as Bria'lel said her goodbyes to his family. Like an idiot, he stammered a thank you while thrusting the balloon towards her.

Bria'lel accepted it with her delicate manner. The way she twisted the balloon string around her fingers fascinated Jim. Her hair brushed her face when she bent down to give Lucy another smile...and then she left.

Jim felt strangely lost walking out of the fair.

Sam and his sons joked with him as they neared their hovercraft. Jim had no clue what was said. Instead, Jim calculated the time until he saw Bria'lel again. Three and a half hours. Too long, that's what it was. He put Lucy in her car seat and sat beside her. This time, Jim would leave the driving to Sam. His brother, now quiet, looked at him quizzically. Jim drove them all to the fair. He always drove.

Jim shrugged at Sam's suspicion.

"What's wrong with you?" Sam turned around in the driver's seat.

He shrugged again and pointedly looked out the window.

He had absolutely no idea what was wrong with him.

At the farmhouse, Lucy did not behave as sweetly as she had been. She flailed, knocking her father in his mouth with her limbs when he took her out of her carseat. Urgent sounds came from her throat. She refused to look at her father once he set her on her feet.

She plopped herself on the dirt, acting much the same. Jim wanted to join her, wallowing in his loneliness.

Then, Jim knew what was wrong with them both.

"Luce, we're screwed," he whispered at her smudged face. He scooped her up, frustrated wriggle and all. He'd play for her on the porch swing, her favorite place.

"Jim," called Sam from the porch. "Want me to get your guitar? And a new sweater?"

So he'd noticed his missing sweater. It was worth it though. Poor woman.

"Yup," Jim sighed. He didn't feel like playing but Lucy needed the music to settle down. She knocked him again in the mouth. "Ow, Luce!"

His sharp retort caused a single tear to trickle down her cheek.

Lucy never cried.

"Luce?" Jim placed her on the swing. She bounced on its cushion like she always did, that tear slowly streaking down her face. Jim wiped it away as gently as he could, even though he knew she'd flinch from that touch.

Lucy would let Jim hold her, but touching her face was off limits. Bathtime was rough.

"She'll be back, Luce." As long as Jim hadn't scared her away with his idiotic behavior.

"Jimmy, was that a tear?" Sam came outside. He handed Jim the guitar and sweater. "She misses Bria'lel, doesn't she?"

Jim took his spot beside Lucy. He strummed a few chords, hardly getting his fingers to play anything right. "Yup."

"Jim, you're attracted to her, aren't you."

Leave it to Sam.

"That's crazy." Lucy's favorite lullaby came to mind. Her rough movements lessened as he strummed the chord progression.

"Wouldn't be the first time love bit you from behind."

"I miss her, Sam." He meant Carol. Sam understood.

"I know, Jimmy. But, look how much fun Lucy had today."

"The woman won't be sticking around here, Sam. You know that. I shouldn't let Luce get attached." Jim's anger at himself came out in a wrong chord. Lucy flailed.

"Don't think like that, Jim. It was good for you both. And you have tonight."

"Don't get any crazy ideas, Sam. Bria'lel belongs on the Enterprise."

Sam chuckled on his way back through the front door. "Jimmy, and you don't? I'm going to help Aurelan. Stay out here, relax, and take care of my niece."

Jim shook his head at his meddling brother.

"And Jim?"

"What?"

"You like her."

Jim's aim was a bit off. The pillow missed his brother's face and instead crashed into a closed door.

Lucy fell asleep within ten minutes of Jim's playing. Laying his guitar aside, he placed her small body on his chest while he stretched out fully on the swing. He loved the moments they had like this. Since fall was merely beginning, the weather was still perfect for lingering on the porch. This was their thing to do each day, although today's nap time had been pushed back a few hours.

With good reason.

Soon, Lucy's steady breathing lulled her father to sleep. Sometime later but earlier than expected, Jim awoke to the sound of a hovercar stopping. Eyes still closed and half-asleep, Jim heard Uhura's whisper.

"Aww, that's so sweet. I have to take a picture to hang in mess."

What was it with women when they saw a child sleeping on a man's chest?

He cocked one eye open.

They were early. They were standing above him. They were Spock, Uhura, Bones, and Bria'lel.

Jim noticed Bria'lel's tentativeness immediately and her puffy eyes. As if she wanted to hide, she stood behind her three companions. This wasn't the Bria'lel who was with them at the fair. Something had happened. Jim watched her as he shifted on the swing. Carefully, Jim settled the still-sleeping Lucy into his arms comfortably so he could sit up.

"She's beautiful, Jim," said Uhura. "She looks just like Carol."

"I know."

Jim vowed to never let her go because Lucy resembled her mother so strongly.

"Spock, I suppose Sam had a hand in this, you coming early." Jim was going to punch his brother's lights out for catching Jim off guard. He shouldn't though. He needed to be civil. Lucy was too sensitive to his emotions. "Bones, give me a minute."

Bones hadn't heard him. Lucy had taken the doctor by storm. Spock, too. Jim grinned. "You two should look at your faces. Let me get Luce up to bed to finish her nap first."

The dismay on Uhura's face was comical. Bria'lel's disappointment was too much for Jim.

"Uhura, would you like to help me? Bria'lel?"

Uhura lit up. "We'd love to."

Bria'lel didn't smile but her expression seemed happier. It pleased him so much that he could help her. Jim forgot what he was going to do.

"Jim?"

Bri'lel was beautiful, even when she had puffy eyes. Carol would like Bria'lel because Bria'lel liked their daughter. That would be important to Carol.

"Jim!"

"Huh?" Jim still couldn't figure out what he was supposed to do.

"Lucy's nap?

* * *

The Kelvin salt-shaker mobile Jim created for Lucy when they first arrived at the farmhouse still hung from a corner in Lucy's room. Its dilapidated nature did not deter Lucy's fond interest. Uhura smirked when Jim pointed it out to her. Bria'lel rolled her eyes. Their reaction, especially Bria'lel's, made him laugh.

"Jim, you're going to wake her up!"

He handed her to Bria'lel as he laughed harder. It was freeing. He hadn't laughed like this in a long time. The funny thing was, he was laughing at Bria'lel because she rolled her eyes at him about the ridiculous looking mobile he had made. "Here, take her."

Bria'lel muttered her frustration in Ikaaran but tenderly took the child in her arms. Lucy fit there perfectly. Longing replaced Jim's laughter. Then, wheezing.

"Jim!" Bria'lel laid Lucy in her bed.

Jim's arm strained against the wall as he tried to find a breath. In his struggle, he found himself slipping to the floor in his daughter's room. Angered with his current lot in life, he glared at Bria'lel as she whipped out an inhaler and placed it in his mouth. It wasn't her fault and here she was yet again, rescuing him.

"Uhura, get Dr. McCoy!" Bria'lel said, ignoring his glare. She murmured the instructions he'd forgotten. How could he forget what to do? "Jim, remain calm."

Jim couldn't be calm when he was infuriated this happened a second time in the same day. He stopped listening to Bria'lel as he searched the room for Lucy.

"Jim, you must listen to me. Focus on my face. Breathe. Lucy's still asleep." Her words reminded him and pulled him back from his distractions.

Jim decided he could watch this beautiful woman. Her facial features were exquisite, including the Ikaaran lines. Nothing to dislike. His eyes drifted down to her hand so near his face. He saw a bruise along her wrist.

It wasn't there earlier.

Despite his wheezing, he touched her wrist and lifted his eyes in question.

"It was nothing, James," Bria'lel whispered. He tapped her wrist. Bria'lel was not telling him the truth. "James, let it be. Please."

Jim tried harder to stabilize his breathing, but then Lucy awoke and saw her father with scared eyes. His daughter moved in her wild way. She should not see him like this again. Jim pushed at Bria'lel, trying to get her to go to Lucy instead.

"Jim, I know you're worried about Lucy. Let me help you so you can help her. There are others who can help her now."

He shook his head vehemently and pushed at her again.

Bones and Spock rushed in. Uhura went to Lucy, talking softly to her.

"Jim, focus!" Bria'lel said sharply. "Stop pushing me away. Uhura will take care of Lucy. Breathe, Jim."

She worked well with Jim, reminding him what to do, and he finally did it. "You're doing better."

"What happened?" Bones' instruments already beeped. "Jim. We have to talk. Now."

Uhura sat close with Lucy, in the rocking chair and sending worried looks at Jim.

"It was not as severe as the first attack, Dr. McCoy." Bria'lel said.

"I laughed," Jim stated.

"Then you wheezed." Bria'lel said firmly.

"I'm fine now."

"You always say that, James. Always." Bria'lel's Ikaaran was melodic as she said his name.

Jim understood every word she said. He'd learned Ikaaran with a vengeance weeks after Carol's death.

She called him _James_.

"Listen, I am fine now." With some effort, Jim got to his feet and crossed his arms at his CMO and first officer. If they only knew... "I need to settle Lucy back for the rest of her nap. Spock, I'm fine. Bones, I'll be down soon.

"You better be." Bones did not move. Neither did Spock.

They were a formidable force as they stood there, willing Jim to care for himself. He loved these two men, dare he say it, more than he loved his brother. He knew what they wanted from him. Jim also recognized they'd been hurt deeply by his disappearance. In his effort to care for Lucy and her grandmother he had neglected his other family. His time spent in Riverside was part of his plan to propel his return to the Enterprise. He wanted to show them all that, but it was not the time. Not yet. Jim weighted responsibilities piled upon his shoulders without mercy as Lucy fussed even more.

"Uhura, will you keep rocking her?"

Jim's duty was first to his daughter now. Lucy's eyes did not leave Jim's own. She drank in the sight of her father, tall and strong in her little mind.

"Luce, it's okay." Jim smiled at her gently.

Forgetting his audience, Jim lifted his extra guitar off the wall and sat down on Lucy's bed. He strummed a bit and thought of what would calm her best. Picking Lucy's favorite song, Jim cleared his throat but could not manage singing a single line of the music. His fingers stopped moving when his voice stopped and his coughing began. Jim's body shook with the intensity of his coughing.

All Luce needed was a damn song and he couldn't even do that for her.

"Not again," Bones muttered. "Buddy, I'm sorry."

The guitar escaped his grasp. It was Spock.

"I'm so...sorry...Luce," Jim gasped through his coughing.

He and his daughter certainly were a pair. Uhura took charge, humming to Lucy as she had before on the Enterprise.

"Jim, take a slow deep breath. It's not an attack. Slowly, Jim," Bones demanded.

Jim kept his eyes on Spock, taking in the resoluteness of his first officer. It was as before. It had been too long. He needed his crew. Jim did not know how to return to them.

He kept trying and failing.

"Jim, I wouldn't try that again." Bones ordered. "This is nothing to mess with. I need to examine you before-"

"Bones. Enough."

"Jim, you cannot breathe properly," said Bones honestly. "If you can't sing a tune, you can't go up the stairs, you can't-"

"Climb a cliff," Spock stared hard at Jim.

"Traitors," Jim muttered, looking darkly at Spock. "You and Sam."

"Is that what you two did last night? Jim, it must have caused a flare up. No wonder this tricorder is telling me-"

"Please, Bones. Later." Jim motioned to Lucy, who was almost asleep due to Uhura's diligence.

"Jim, when you can or Spock will be carrying you down the stairs. Bria'lel, make sure he doesn't exert himself coming down for his examination," Bones scowled at him and left with Spock.

"He is concerned for you, Jim. Please cooperate when he examines you," Bria'lel said.

Jim stroked Lucy's back once once Uhura placed her on the bed. Lucy slept but Jim was careful not to aggravate her with his touch.

"I'll try." His own health did worry him, although he tried not to show it.

"Jim, you have to do more than try." Uhura took Lucy's framed baby picture from a stand and gave it to him.

Jim froze. Aurelan put it there and each time Jim went into Lucy's room, he avoided the photograph that reminded him too much of losing Carol. His eyes welled up. He sniffed and wiped them with his sweater sleeve.

"Captain," the term slipped sadly from Uhura's lips. For now, Jim didn't mind.

"Don't tell the guys downstairs, alright?" He tried to smile. It was impossible. Bria'lel looked broken. Uhura showed him pity. His hands shook. He stood up and placed the photograph back on the stand. "Hey, Nyota, could you put the blanket on Lucy. It's cold in here."

It wasn't but he had to think of something to say.

"I need a kid." Uhura sighed and tucked the blanket around Lucy.

"Nyota, if you want, feel free to hang up here for awhile." The next hour or so would be unpleasant for Jim. He purposely and selfishly left Bria'lel out of the invitation. He wanted her with him when he talked with Spock and Bones.

Before she answered Jim, Uhura plucked the stuffed animal sitting off the rocking chair and sat down. "Really?"

"Sure. I have her monitored so I'll know when she'll wake up. She responds the same to strangers as she does my family. Don't expect her to make eye contact and she will flail her arms and legs around. She doesn't like to be touched unless it's to be held. She won't say a single word, or try. And, she doesn't show any signs of expression."

Saying all that left Jim hollow. No child should struggle so much. He had to do more. It was time to do more. Jim pressed a kiss to his daughter's forehead.

"Jim, I'm sorry."

"I know, Nyota." He blinked as he thought of how different things would be if Carol were alive. He had to stop failing his daughter. "Bria'lel, would you walk downstairs with me?"

Bria'lel tensed. She knew what he was about- information.

"I need a friend when I talk to Bones."

She tugged on her shirtsleeves nervously.

"You know I need one. He can be relentless." Jim pleaded.

To his relief, Bria'lel agreed. He escorted her out of Lucy's room. One-third down the long staircase Jim put his hand out to stop Bria'lel.

"May I see your wrist?"

He held out his hand. Her eyes glittered with tears but she did what he asked.

"How did this happen?" A rage surfaced in Jim on behalf of this woman he hardly knew. The bruises were a glaring result of some assault. He placed his other hand over her wrist. A hunger to protect her surged in Jim.

"At the hotel, a man mistook me for someone else."

"So he assaults you?" Jim could not keep his voice down.

"His missing sister," she whispered back. "He thought I was his missing sister and was upset. He wasn't trying to hurt me. He honestly thought I was his sister."

"Was anyone with you?"

"Spock intervened and security summoned. Jim, I'm alright now."

"No, you're not, but at least you're safe." Jim let go of her hand reluctantly. She'd been traumatized. It made him sick. "I'm sorry that happened."

"I feel sorry for him."

She was too compassionate. First, towards Jim, who deserved more judgement than she'd given him. Now, her compassion extended towards this other man.

Bria'lel's tears trailed down her cheeks. Jim couldn't take it anymore. He smelled strawberries and this woman called him James in Ikaaran. The only other woman to call him "James" had been Carol. He wiped one of her tears away, then another. Soon, he found himself putting his hands on the sides her face. Bria'lel stood two steps above him, aligning them face to face. It was easy to lean forward. It was even easier to close his lips on hers.


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note: What comes next- it's been a long time coming. I'm excited...but nervous...to share this particular chapter. I think after this (and for sure, by chapter 14), you'll begin to to see a broader picture of this story. I hope you enjoy it as you follow along. Thank you beta reader, DLB48, for the encouragement and help, chapter after chapter!

* * *

The kiss was perfect. It was as if they'd done this before. His lips covered hers with ease and she passionately responded. Bria'lel did not stop with the kiss. She wrapped her arms around his waist. Jim liked the familiarity she took with him and took advantage of her forwardness. He leaned lightly against the wall, slipping a hand around her slender form and pulled her towards him. The thought of prolonging the caress of her lips on his left him breathless again, but this time it was from his pure desire. He wanted her. He felt strong and whole for the first time in months. Her hands curled into his back.

"I told you so."

Bria'lel broke away first, looking as shocked as Jim felt.

"Sam, really?" Jim groaned with frustration. That kiss...he and Bria'lel were just getting started.

"Dr. McCoy is quite anxious down here."

"I'm busy," Jim snapped, turning towards his brother. Sam leaned against the staircase, looking smug. Before Jim could stop Bria'lel, she slipped past him.

Sam winked at Bria'lel as she passed by. She disappeared around the corner.

"Dammit, Sam. You scared her off."

"You like her." Jim wanted to smack the grin off of his brother.

"I'd like you to mind your own business for once."

"At least you know I care. Now, listen, little bro. Winona is sitting down there with us, so don't _you_ get scared off."

It was a fair warning to Jim. He tolerated Winona's presence. His guilt made it difficult, not that Sam would understand that. Yet.

Bones examined Jim in an adjacent room to where Spock waited with Sam, Aurelan, and Winona. Usually, Aurelan remained with Winona in the section of the farmhouse. Jim hardly ventured there. Today was different. The nurse taking care of Winona was off for the weekend, leaving only a visiting nurse coming tomorrow.

"Just like old times, huh Bones?" Jim asked as Bones' tricorder did its thing. "I lasted eighteen months without you using that thing on me."

Jim counted on Bones' scowl. He wasn't disappointed.

"Dammit, Jim."

Jim waited again.

"If Bria'lel hadn't been there...twice now. Dammit, Jim."

Jim opened his mouth to defend himself but the scowl from Bones deepened.

"Why can't you think about yourself for once? You can't take care of Lucy unless you're a living, breathing human being!"

"Bones, I know you think I can't take care of myself but-"

"Jim, I know more than you think." Bones pulled out two inhalers. "You have to have these with you at all times. Until you have surgery and then indefinitely thereafter."

"What?"

Jim could not leave Lucy.

"You've put yourself in extreme danger. The quarry, Jim. It's killing you."

Jim gaped at Bones. "You...you're serious."

"A minimal amount of dust filtered into your lungs but it is enough to prompt your symptoms. Your body is wearing down from stress. You've lost weight and you are fatigued. Jim, you have acquired occupational asthma, just as Bria'lel determined. There is a procedure that is necessary to clear your lungs. As your former CMO and as your friend, I insist you proceed with it as soon as possible. The procedure is simple, but you will need to remain in the hospital four days after your surgery." Bones glanced at Bria'lel warily and then sternly at Jim. "At Starfleet General."

"Oh no. I have Lucy to take care of. She needs me. Besides, a Starfleet hospital? I'm not going there. I'm not part of- "

"Yes. Yes you are, Captain Kirk." Jim winced at the emphasis Bones placed on his rank. "Spock found out that you did not resign but took an extended leave of absence, Captain Kirk."

Bria'lel gasped. Jim threw a nervous glance her way. He conveniently led her believe she was kissing a mere civilian and not the captain of the Enterprise.

He should feel guilty but he did not. Who knows if he'd manage a kiss from her now.

"Sam."

"No, Captain Kirk. It was Spock's own deduction, and then Sam. Bria'lel, kindly tell Captain Kirk what Captain Kirk needs to do with those inhalers. I'm going to talk with Captain Kirk's brother."

"Stop calling me Captain Kirk." Jim growled.

"I will call you Captain Kirk because that is who you are, Captain Kirk."

"Bones, that is so juvenile."

"You're one to talk Captain..." Bones muttered. "Kirk."

"It was Admiral Archer's fault. I tried to resign."

"At least one person had his head on right." Bones sighed. "I missed you, Jim, but I didn't want to find you like this. Take a moment and think what you're doing."

"What does everyone assume I'm not thinking about what I do? I think all the damn time!" Jim said angrily.

"Obviously, not correctly." Bones snapped back. "You have to do this, Jim."

"I don't want to do this, Bones."

"I know," Bones laid a hand on Jim's shoulder. "I get it. You have responsibilities."

"Lucy can't be without me that long. She'll be difficult for everyone. She could regress."

"She can visit you."

"That's not good enough." Jim shook his head. "She needs me."

"I can stay here with her, Jim."

Bria'lel's offer was brilliant. Jim wanted to kiss her again.

"I'd take her up on that offer, Jim."

"It's a lot of work." Lucy required Jim's utmost attention when he was home.

"I'm up to the task," stated Bria'lel. "She responds to me, and I to her."

"I know you'll do fine with her, Bria'lel. It's me that's the problem." Distraught over leaving his daughter, Jim pounded the arm of his chair.

"Jim, you need help to get through this, but that is not being helpless." Bria'lel briefly touched his arm. Jim fought the undeniable urge to grasp her hand. Jim's eyes connect with her lovely, deep brown ones. He couldn't look away. Her confident and encouraging words allowed him to believe he could do this. "You are being strong for your daughter, taking care of yourself."

"Can you get me in and out inconspicuously, Bones?" He spoke to Bones, but couldn't break eye contact with Bria'lel. She studied him as much as he did her. "It's important. For Lucy's sake my identity should remain a secret."

"We are to add paranoia to your list of symptoms?"

"Bones, she does not function well with stimuli. The fair was a stretch, but we managed. If people find out who I am, here in Riverside..." Jim paused, finally looking at Bones. "I need to contact Admiral Archer."

"This is her safe haven."

Bria'lel's assertion was correct. How could she understand so much about Lucy in just one day?

"It's her only safe place," Jim said.

"Jim, we can make this work. I always get in touch with Starfleet General when I am on planet and have authority there, as you well know. I will request a time for this procedure tomorrow." Bones worked with his PADD. "We can admit you under a name so false even the admiral himself won't recognize you. He'll still have to sign off on this, but I can deal with those details as soon as we're done here. As for the nurses, I never thought the day would come you'd want to hide from them, but that beard of yours is quite the disguise if you've gotten away with it in your own hometown. They won't know the difference."

"Admit it. You like the beard." Jim rubbed his jaw. One day, the beard would go. It stayed for Lucy.

"I like it if it can provide you some peace and quiet."

"You promise? Five days? That's it?"

"Jim, you should not set foot in that quarry ever again."

* * *

Sometimes, trying to talk Jim off a ledge was the hardest part of McCoy's job. McCoy felt either he was bribing a child with candy or shouldering the emotional and physical pain of a maniac. McCoy was good at his job or at least he used to be.

McCoy told Jim that continuing to work in the quarry meant risking his life. He figured literally talking Jim off a ledge would provoke a similar reaction. Surprisingly, Jim's habitual arguing vanished at McCoy's explicit instruction.

Jim gave McCoy a raw and helpless look, bereft of his previous passion, and left the room without a word.

Rarely had Jim shown such emotion. It burst open another hole in McCoy's heart. Bria'lel stared open mouthed as Jim walked out.

"Dammit, Jim."

"Dr. McCoy, should you go after him?"

"I don't know." McCoy really didn't know what to do about Jim.

"Should I?"

"I think he needs some time alone." McCoy could not send Bria'lel to speak with a man who was dealing with a demon like Frank.

"Why is this so hard for Captain Kirk?"

"He's facing a part of his past." McCoy packed up. "I don't blame him. He's been working himself too hard for too long."

It wasn't right for McCoy to tell Bria'lel, so he stopped there. However, Bria'lel's own distressed look prompted him to explain a little further.

"It's guilt, Bria'lel. Plain and simple. Displaced guilt, though." It was hell seeing Jim like this. McCoy hoped to God the crew of Captain Kirk would come through for him. The last communication from Sulu was even more hopeful than the last, but it was a tedious process.

With relief, McCoy saw the only one waiting for them in the adjacent room was now Sam.

"Lucy's up. Dinner's ready." Sam was a man of few words tonight.

So was McCoy.

"He knows."

"Think he'll listen?"

"I do."

Jim's despair made it clear. He was done with his search.

"Well, let's eat." Sam clapped McCoy on the back. McCoy thought instantly of Jim. "This will probably be the most interesting dinner party you'll ever be a part of."

Sam led the way to a large table in the dining room. Two of Sam's boys were chattering with Uhura, loving the attention she gave them. The middle child, Peter, was off planet as an exchange student. Winona sat, looking older but carrying a small amount of dignity despite her illness and history with her family. She did not speak as watched her granddaughter. Spock silently observed Jim helping Lucy eat in her highchair. For the most part it was a successful two-year old's meal, but occasionally Lucy's mannerisms caught Jim off guard and the food landed elsewhere. Such as Jim's scowling face or his clothes.

McCoy took the chair next to Jim. Jim ignored him except for the now uncharacteristic despondent posture he acquired. Jim ignored everyone but his child.

Jim's behavior gave McCoy the first clue.

McCoy's best friend was about to explode.

"Bria'lel, this seat is yours," Aurelan motioned to the empty chair between her and Lucy.

"Thank you." The medical assistant's sweetness seemed to grate on Jim's nerves. As soon as Bria'lel spoke, Jim tried to make himself invisible. He turned away from every single person on the table except for Lucy. His thin shoulders slumped. Elbow on the table, Jim leaned his chin on his hand. It was an odd response to Bria'lel considering the even odder physical attraction between the two McCoy had witnessed not even ten minutes ago when he examined Jim.

Jim's physical reaction to his environment set McCoy's heart pounding. It was the second clue.

"So, Captain Spock, what is the next mission of the Enterprise?" Sam leaned back in his chair, coffee in hand. Sam had questioned Spock but Sam's eyes drilled holes in Jim's back.

"Mr. Kirk, we are on hiatus but will receive orders at the end of the week."

"Where are the rest your crew, Captain?" Aurelan asked. McCoy noticed three extra chairs for Sulu, Scott, and Chekov. Jim's hand hesitated as he helped Lucy with her cup.

"Mr. Sulu, Mr. Scott, and Mr. Chekov send their regards, Mrs. Kirk. They were otherwise engaged."

Vulcans do not lie, but some can sure fudge information.

Jim finished helping Lucy with her drink then slammed it down. Lucy's small arms and legs moved uncontrollably, shaking the highchair

"Jim," Bria'lel reprimanded him. It was spoken with concern close to that of a mother's.

"Sorry." Jim's apology was short, hardly meaningful. Bria'lel took over caring for Lucy, calming her with words spoken in Ikaaran. Lucy's waving her limbs no longer hit her chair. Her father slouched in his seat even more.

With a physician's eye, McCoy studied the distinct connection his medical assistant had with Jim's daughter. Bria'lel had been a stranger before the day began but Lucy responded to her with the same ease she did with Jim. McCoy was shocked Jim did not stop Bria'lel from speaking to his daughter in Ikaaran. Jim had learned the language with one thing in mind- revenge. As the Ikaaran lyrical murmurings continued, Jim's postured straightened. He took his elbow off the table and sat squarely in his chair. Even the desperate look on Jim's face shifted. Resignation was an improvement.

McCoy wasn't the only one investigating. Ever so slightly, Spock moved forward in his chair. A sign Jim's first officer was probably calculating more about Lucy and Bria'lel, Jim and Bria'lel, and Jim and Lucy than McCoy.

"Well, please tell them that someday I hope to meet them," offered Aurelan. "My sons were most anxious to speak your helmsman, Mr. Sulu."

"Mrs. Kirk, I will inform- "

"It's gone."

All the Kirks but Jim flinched as Winona spoke. Jim's expression reverted back to desperation. The woman's voice, rusty with disuse, hit even McCoy's ears harshly.

"I need it," sniffed Winona. She looked at Sam. "I...I need George's medal. It's all lost."

Aurelan tried soothing the woman. "Winona, nothing's lost. See your granddaughter over there? Lucy?"

Winona shook her head and began to cry. "Lost."

Jim sank his face into his hands. Sam took his turn to comfort Winona. Bria'lel picked Lucy up from her highchair and placed her on her lap, shielding her from the tension.

As Jim's physician, McCoy should remove Jim from this situation. McCoy started to get up from his seat when Sam gave up his comforting and resorted to venting.

"Aurelan, I can't take it. Almost every single night she does this," ranted Sam. "The medal. Where is it?"

"We apologize for her," Aurelan eyes shone with tears. She glanced at Sam. "And on behalf of my husband."

"Please, Mrs. Kirk, think nothing of it." Uhura answered for Spock, who was focused on Jim.

Sam slammed his fist on the table.

Jim's body tensed. Winona cried harder and louder.

"Jim, I need to talk with you. Now." McCoy whispered to Jim. "Outside."

Jim narrowed his eyes at McCoy but lifted himself out of his seat.

"Where are you going? Hiding from the family. Again?" Sam taunted Jim in his frustration. McCoy grabbed Jim's arm.

"Jim," McCoy said, "let's go."

Jim shook himself from McCoy's grasp. Staring at Sam, Jim reached in his back pocket, pulled out an envelope, and tossed it to Sam.

"I don't hide, Sam."

"What is this?" Sam picked up the letter. "Frank? Frank sent you a letter?"

"Jim, you don't have to do this now. Wait until after your surgery." McCoy pleaded.

"Jim, this is from years ago. Before you joined up with Starfleet?" He looked at the envelope again. "It's almost the exact day you signed on. Why have you been carrying it around all this time? It looks like it's been to hell and back."

Jim said nothing for a moment. He waited for emotional beating he knew was coming. McCoy sat back down and put his own face in his hands. How did Jim deal with this alone, for all this time? The confrontation was not going to be pretty.

"Bria'lel, will you take Lucy upstairs? Aurelan, I think the boys better leave, too." Jim at least had the sense to direct the kids away from the inevitable war.

"Jimmy, are you alright?" Aurelan asked.

"I think he wants us to read it." Sam snapped. "Fine, little bro."

McCoy thought better of ignoring the situation when Spock came to stand beside Jim. McCoy took Spock's cue and stood as well.

Sam lifted the flap. He pulled the letter out and read.

"Shit." Sam looked up at Jim. "You mean to tell me, that this...this is what you've been doing in that place, all this time?"

Again, Jim was quiet.

"Did you two know about this?" Sam asked Spock and McCoy.

"They're the only ones, Sam. Spock not until last night. Bones, since the Academy. Not even Carol knew about this." Jim's voice was hollow.

"I can't believe this!" Sam yelled.

Jim flinched, turning his head away from his older brother.

"Sam?" Aurelan's voice trembled.

"Frank slipped the our father's damn medal in the glove compartment before my kid brother drove our father's prized car off the damn cliff!" McCoy doubted the children's ears were shielded from Sam's voice, even in another room.

"I'm sorry I couldn't find it."

"I don't care about the medal if it's going to kill you! Jimmy, why couldn't you tell me?" Sam stood up. The table shook when he slammed his fists down once more.

"And give you my problem? It's my guilt, not anyone else's," yelled Jim.

"This is not your fault, Jim. Stop being so self-sacrificing!" Sam looked wounded. "You should've told us before you got sick!"

"It wasn't your problem to solve, Sam," Jim's voice carried a commanding edge. "I made a choice and I'd do it again."

"I can't believe you, Jimmy!"

"Every day, Sam, I hear her," Jim waved towards Winona, "and I know it's my fault that she can't get better and at least have some sense of...of happiness in her life. What would you have done, Sam? Tell me! I don't think you'd do anything differently!"

"Unbelievable," Sam snorted. "First of all, I can't understand why you feel so bent on helping the woman who left you with that abusive bastard and did nothing to help you after Tarsus. Secondly, I wouldn't risk my life for it."

"It can't be replaced, Sam. It belongs to our father."

"You can't be replaced," Sam hissed. "How dare you make this decision without me. Searching there...it's not worth it."

The punch Jim threw his brother across the table was McCoy's third clue Jim's time to vent had come.

Sam went back, stumbling into his chair. Jim took off his sweater and flung it on the floor.

"Captain, it is not wise to continue," Spock said.

"Stay out of this Spock." Jim snapped. He looked at Sam and jerked his head towards the other room. Sam glared at Jim and rounded the table. Jim walked away from Spock and McCoy.

"Boys, please!" cried Aurelan. "Don't settle it like this."

With a quick thrust, Sam hit Jim back, sending him into the wall. A few dishes fell from a shelf, shattering on the floor.

"Jim, Spock's right. This is dangerous for you."

Jim ignored McCoy and ran out the front door after Sam. Spock and McCoy followed them as the fight drifted outside.

"Uhura," McCoy called out. "Get my medic kit!"

Sam allowed Jim to knock him clear off the porch.

"How dare you say it wasn't worth it," Jim rasped. He punched Sam again. Sam shielded his face as he let Jim pummel him. "Damn you!"

Sam went down into the dirt, face bloodied from Jim's punches. Jim weaved as he stood over his brother. He raised Sam up by his shirt and hit him again. Sam rolled away from Jim when he began to cough. Refusing to quit, Jim tumbled after Sam.

Jim's fist hit Sam another time, but weakly. "It was worth it! Carol was worth it."

Sam held his brother up when Jim sagged against him. "Let go of me!" Jim pushed away. With great effort he hit Sam in the jaw and sent him sprawling to the ground once more.

"Jim, stop," Sam rasped. His left eye was already swollen shut. "It's okay. You're okay, Jimmy."

Jim shook his head, breath escaping him. "I need her."

"I know, Jimmy, I know," whispered Sam.

Tears poured down Jim's face. "Sam, she's gone. Carol's gone."

Sam moaned as Jim took his grief out on his brother. When Sam's head lulled impassively from Jim's punches, Spock took a hold of Jim's arms from behind. Jim struggled but Spock's unyielding hold secured him fast. Jim's fatigue and breathlessness forced him to relax in Spock's arms.

"Bones," Jim gasped. McCoy was already there.

"Jim, buddy, I have to give you medicine for your breathing this time." Jim jerked when McCoy administered the hypo. "You also must rest in preparation for tomorrow but you cannot do that in the state you're in."

McCoy's voice gave Jim clarity.

"No, not that," Jim's tears continued. Spock held up Jim's trembling body.

"Captain, please." Spock never said please.

"Tell Bria'lel thank you for watching Lucy." Jim pleaded with McCoy.

"Jimmy, I'm not knocking you out for that long. You can see Lucy tomorrow morning." McCoy gave him the sedative. Unsurprisingly, Jim fought the drug.

"Sam," Jim groaned. "I'm sorry."

"No apologies needed, brother." Sam's hefted himself on one bent elbow, panting with the effort.

Jim didn't hear him as he keeled over. Spock lifted Jim to carry into the house. A curtain waved from the farmhouse's second floor. Distracted by it, McCoy could've sworn he saw someone before the curtain fell back into place.

"I take it this sort of thing happened fairly often on the Enterprise," Sam observed from his place in the dirt. McCoy then assessed Sam's face. Jim, although exhausted and ill, packed quite a few hard punches to his brother.

"At times, it did, yes," McCoy answered sadly. However, nothing could be compared to the emotional trauma Jim was experiencing. His own heart feeling as beaten as Sam's face, McCoy followed Spock back into the house. One of Jim's arms hung limply. Catching up to Spock, McCoy gently reached for Jim's arm. Spock paused and allowed McCoy to move Jim's arm to a more comfortable position.

McCoy regretted ever pausing in his search for Jim, for McCoy's own sake and not just for Jim's. Sighing, he met Spock's gaze and saw the same emotion reflected in his dark eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Note: I know...the last chapter was sad. When I was writing my first story I was thinking about writing that particular chapter for THIS story and not knowing if I could actually pull it off. I understand...it may be frustrating that Carol's identity has not been revealed. As one reviewer wisely commented- "not choosing the right moment could make everything worse." Much is at stake. Some things are yet to be known. So watch out!

I've been spoiling my faithful readers by posting every day. I'm slowly catching up to myself, to the written chapters I have completed. Don't be surprised to see a Sunday post and then a chapter every other day or a little longer in between. I am not a fast writer. THANK YOU so much for the encouraging reviews. THANK YOU beta reader DLB48 for keeping me on my toes. ;0

* * *

Carol took her time leaving the dining room. She stopped partway up the staircase, leaned against the wall, and held her wriggling daughter. Jim had wisely directly the children away, as she was soon to find out. The conversation exploded to something unimaginable. That his father's irreplaceable medal had gone over the cliff with the car shocked her. Early in their relationship, Jim passed that envelope off as nothing worthwhile to share. She was hurt that Jim had kept that particular piece of his past from her. They'd talked about trust repeatedly. Carol would have earnestly tried to help him deal with that guilt, if only he'd let her.

While Jim and Sam argued, Carol considered all the traits which made her husband the very man he was. Jim's sense of honor prevented him from sharing this part of him. Jim refused to part with any of his guilt. He made it something he and he alone had to fix, no matter the cost.

To Jim, that was honorable. To Jim, that was protecting his family. He'd never change that part of himself.

He sacrificed for his Enterprise family repeatedly. She loved this husband of hers, but his strong sense of duty could overwhelm even her. Like Sam, she did not fathom any good reason Jim would want to help his mother. Jim's willpower to go on after such abuse and experiencing subsequent, ill-fated events tied to his past amazed her. Firsthand, she'd seen the results of this upon her husband's life. They'd been terrifying, bleeding into every part of his life.

The house shook. Carol raced up to Lucy's bedroom. Someone had been slammed into the wall. It would be either Jim or Sam. When Lucy made guttural sounds in her throat and clung to Carol, she knew it had been Jim.

Their daughter's intuition of Jim's well-being was remarkable but Carol was too furious and scared to dwell on it. Lucy snuggled her head into Carol's neck. She sat with Lucy by the window. The shouts of Jim and Sam drifted outside. Curious to know what was happening with her husband, Carol laid Lucy on a rug with her toys. She pulled the curtain back and cracked the window.

As she witnessed Jim pounding Sam into the dirt a feeling of despair rose from deep within her. Unable to resist giving into it, she drew her knees together and sank below the windowsill. She rocked back and forth on the floor, pouring out her own sadness. She heard Jim's words, his grief for losing her but couldn't get up. She could not manage to move, to go to him.

As delighted as she was to be with her lost child, Jim's anguish overwhelmed her. She forgot about Lucy and wept for her husband.

Outside, Dr. McCoy took control of the situation and sedated Jim. While relieved, she mourned the fact that this meant she could not tell Jim who she was even tonight. Carol debated, but deep inside, she knew Jim needed to be well.

He needed his surgery first before dealing with the repercussions of learning her identity.

A little body came to sit by her. It was Lucy, with a single tear. Carol closed the window as the commotion outside ceased. She then scooped up Lucy, rocking her as well. As soon as Carol regained control Uhura burst into Lucy's bedroom.

"Dr. McCoy needs me," Carol said before Uhura opened her mouth.

"Yes," Uhura said quietly. "Sam's face is a mess, and Captain Kirk's hands are fractured and bruised. Dr. McCoy first needs help with Sam downstairs. Captain Kirk is already sleeping in his room next door."

"You'll watch Lucy? If you speak Ikaaran, I think she'll be fine." Carol managed a smile at the communications officer.

"Certainly." Uhura said. "And, Bria'lel?"

Carol reached the bedroom door and looked back. Lucy followed the natural twirling of her Kelvin mobile. "Yes?"

"I apologize that meeting our captain has been under less than ideal circumstances."

"Uhura, I am thankful that I could help his family. The circumstances make no difference to my thoughts of remaining part of this crew."

"I need to be honest with you, Bria'lel." Uhura fiddled with her ponytail. "May I speak freely, as a friend?"

"Yes, Nyota," Carol replied. Uhura's feelings on her presence aboard the Enterprise were nothing new to Carol.

Carol didn't blame her. It wouldn't make a difference even if Uhura knew who she really was. Since Dr. Lester's devious action, Carol jumped at her own shadow but she was slowly regaining more of her self these past few months. It took being away from her adopted Ikaaran family and using her rusty hacking skills to produce this new life for herself.

"Before today, I did not think you could continue to handle life aboard the ship. I am embarrassed at myself, for judging you, Bria'lel. I am sorry. You are a brave woman with uncanny abilities. I sense burgeoning friendship between us. I am glad you are a part of our crew."

Uhura's mini-speech left Carol miserable. She hated her secret.

"Nyota, no apology is necessary," she trembled at the door. "and, yes, I sense that friendship as well."

Carol managed another smile before she went to assist with Sam. He was unrecognizable. Dr. McCoy did in fact need Carol's help to deal with the injuries. Jim had broken his brother's nose, fractured a cheekbone, and left almost a full covering of bruises.

"Sam, I can't take care of all this tonight, but with Bria'lel's help, we will patch you up the best we can and I can give you more medication for the pain."

"Dr. McCoy, please tell me that my brother is upstairs unhurt."

"Sam, if Jim had punched you anymore, it could have been- "

"Dr. McCoy, is he okay?"

"He's fine, except for bruising and fractures in his hands," McCoy sighed. "He'll be sleeping for another 10 hours."

"Emotionally?" Sam winced as Carol applied medication to a surface wound on his face.

"Let him leave tomorrow morning in peace, Sam."

"I didn't mean to engage him more." Sam mourned. "I wanted to make sure we were out of the farmhouse. That's why I punched him and ran."

It was an apology that Carol hoped Jim understood in the morning.

"Sam, you let him relieve his grief in a way he had not been able to since Carol's death." McCoy said. "Jim never dealt with her loss in a healthy manner. He was hell-bent on revenge. He was immersed with the caring of his daughter."

"So you think he should be thanking me." Sam tried grinning, but it looked like a grimace with his swollen face. "I like the sound of that."

The Kirk brother's ability to turn a somber moment into a moment of humor did not fail even here. Carol would've laughed had she not been thinking of Jim sleeping upstairs, untended. She liked Jim's brother. She liked his entire family.

"Once Jimmy has the surgery, will he be free from these breathing problems?"

"Two hundred years ago, there'd be no chance even for surgery. Now, he will only be susceptible to future attacks if he isn't careful."

"What do you mean? If he isn't careful?" Sam inquired. "Not going back down to the quarry should be good enough, right?"

"Jim must receive proper medication before he goes enters a place with similar dust or other allergens. His lungs will remain compromised for some time." McCoy said. "He'll be fine. It's just one more thing to add to the list that keeps growing for him."

"Do you know of this list, Bria'lel?" Sam winked with his non-swollen eye. "You better learn it fast."

* * *

"Dr. McCoy, how did you know to pack the bone knitter?"

They'd sat on Jim's bed for hours already, both tending to Jim's thin fingers and hands. Carol's heart ached at Jim's vulnerability while he slept. His body needed a break. He would get one, but the cost had been great.

"We were having dinner with Jim and his brother, Sam. I knew what was coming," McCoy grumped as he worked with Jim's hands. Carol constantly checked Jim's stats with the tricorder, ensuring he was resting and unable to feel the pain of tiny bones healing. "Something volatile."

"Do you truly think Captain Kirk will require a mere five days in the hospital?" Using Jim's formal name with Dr. McCoy was difficult.

Jim. She could not wait to call him that again.

"No, I don't. Anything could happen. This is a new procedure, so I'm not going to rule out allergic reactions." McCoy scowled. "I'm worried. I need a nurse on board that knows Jim."

"He wishes for complete anonymity, Dr. McCoy," Carol reminded him. Jim would be upset with the good doctor if he betrayed his trust.

"I know one who would be both trustworthy and knowledgeable."

Indeed, McCoy did know one. Her best friend from a time gone past, Christine Chapel. Carol swallowed. "Is she available?"

Sam planned on taking Carol and Lucy to visit Jim after his surgery, during his recuperation. Former friends and familiar people terrified Carol. Especially someone who had been as close to Carol as Christine had been. Once Carol and Jim were married, Christine returned to the Enterprise as a nurse, per Carol's influence.

"She has been employed at a different Starfleet hospital since the end of our five year mission. However, I am sure I could arrange for a temporary transfer. Admiral Archer gave me the go ahead to admit Jim under a false name, although I had to made a deal on behalf of Jim. Jim's going to kill me."

"Doctor?"

"He was requested to report to headquarters in a few short weeks. Not necessarily for duty, but Archer wants to see him in uniform for a meeting," McCoy muttered. "My hands were tied, Bria'lel. As far as Nurse Chapel, I'm certain Archer will agree."

"Captain Kirk will not be happy about Nurse Chapel but if you speak to his fatherly side, I'm sure he'll acquiesce. The other, Dr. McCoy, I fear the captain will not take as well."

"Couldn't be helped," McCoy stopped the bone knitter as Jim moved his arms and chest in his sleep. "Let's wrap this up. I'm going to give him again something for the pain."

McCoy's own fatigue showed as he failed to reach for his hypo.

"Dr. McCoy, you should rest. I can remain here with him until you return. I am not scheduled to perform a surgery tomorrow."

"I'm worried that he won't stay sedated, Bria'lel. Could you stay here with him all night?"

She hadn't expected the "all night" part of the request and stammered her reply. McCoy raised his eyebrows. She tried again, this time formalizing her response to lessen her surprise.

"As your medical assistant, I would be happy to assist you and Captain Kirk however you deem fit."

"Good." McCoy closed his eyes. "I could sleep right here on this very bed but I don't think Captain Kirk would appreciate that in the morning. Do you?"

"I think Captain Kirk would find that more amusing than anything."

"Hmm. Good point," McCoy smirked. "You're learning well."

McCoy left explicit instructions for Carol and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. Aurelan and Justin brought up their hover cot for camping and extra blankets for Carol. They placed it directly beside Jim's bed.

"Let me know if you need anything. I'll take care of Lucy, tonight," Aurelan whispered. "Dr. McCoy mentioned to me how much Jim needs to sleep right now."

"Thank you, Aurelan," said Carol. "Captain Kirk had insufficient rest last night and exerted himself today. It is not a preferred combination for the surgery he is having."

For the rest of the night Carol vigilantly monitored Jim, except for the moment when she let down her guard. She refused to utilize the cot and sleep. She was good at sleeping lightly but this was a chance to observe her husband unhindered. So she sat on the cot and laid her head down on the bed. Jim's face was near. His warm breath danced along her cheek. If she moved any closer, she'd feel the roughness of his beard.

She fought her sleep, wanting to watch him in this peaceful state. Her eyes closed. She drifted in between, remembering their life together and wanting that again.

"Carol," Jim murmured.

Jim. Was he awake? She could not open her eyes. She drifted more, seeing Jim the day before she went into labor. Happy. Proud.

"Yes, Jim?"

"You came back to us." He sounded far away.

"I'm sorry I stayed away so long."

"I need you, Carol," Jim's voice was tired and mumbling. "Please stay."

She dreamt of him. It was perfect.

"Jim, of course I'll stay." She sighed.

Jim slept.


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note: We're getting closer to all sorts of things. What comes after 13? Chapter 14? ;) I'm excited for the next several chapters. :) As always, thanks to my wonderful beta reader, DLB48! The reviews, favs, and follows are inspiring- thanks so much!

Author's Note #2: hurryupandwait- you are very good at seeing some of the things I'm trying to accomplish in this story, and the last review (for chapter 12) was right on. :) These details and everything that goes on between Jim and Carol as Bria'lel are so important as the story progresses to that crucial point.

* * *

"Captain, I assume the sunglasses completes your disguise on a day with a 78.5% cloud covering."

"Spock, I'm just testing it out."

Spock was amused by Jim's inspection of himself in the mirror. The disguise would be partially successful in Spock's estimation but Jim threw the sunglasses back on the bed with disgust.

"This isn't going to work," Jim muttered. "I can't just saunter in there and expect not to be recognized."

"Captain, a margin of error does exist." Spock said. "Wear the sunglasses confidently during transport. After you are admitted to the hospital I suggest you behave in an adverse manner."

"Spock, what the hell do you mean?" Jim flung clothing in a bag. "If it's how I'm feeling right now about the meeting with Admiral Archer, we'll have no problem."

"Avoid eye contact. Do not be amiable with the nurses like you usually would be." Spock lifted an eyebrow. "Jim, your thinness of face and shoulders detracts from the recognition you could receive."

"Do not be amiable with the nurses..." Jim rolled his eyes and let the bag hang from his hands after he finished packing. "Very funny, Spock."

Jim frowned and dumped the bag at his feet. He sat on his bed and stared at Spock beside Jim's desk. "I dreamt of Carol last night. She was right here, talking with me. I smelled strawberries, felt the warmth of her body. I never had such a vivid dream of her before, Spock."

"Jim, Bria'lel was the only person to sit with you through the night."

"She was?" Jim rubbed his hands over his beard. "Bria'lel. She stayed here through the entire night? Not Bones?"

"Indeed, Jim."

"Oh."

"You are disappointed with the arrangement?"

"Spock, no. It's just," Jim turned sad eyes towards Spock. "It was the strawberries then."

"The medical assistant reminds you of Dr. Marcus."

"Yes? No? I'm not sure. Maybe." Jim heaved himself up off the bed and could not lift up his bag. "Dammit."

Spock took the bag from Jim's shaking grasp. As Spock touched Jim's hands in passing, he sensed a longing surfacing in Jim's mind for Bria'lel. It was not because she reminded Jim of his wife.

"I hate this, Spock." Jim complained. "I'm weak and I have a feeling this meeting with Archer will be more than a courteous greeting."

"You have twenty days until you see Admiral Archer, Jim. It will provide time for you to begin recovering and regain sufficient strength."

"Maybe. Archer is going to use everything he has on me to get me back to the Enterprise as soon as possible." Jim shook his head. "And I can't."

"You cannot because of Lucy," Spock said softly.

"I have no doubt you have your own theories about my daughter." Jim glanced at him with an open and trusting expression. "You've watched her like a hawk, just as you have me."

"You are correct, Jim," Spock said carefully. Nyota had warned Spock not to bring up Lucy's condition before Jim's surgery. Spock would respect her wishes and heed her wisdom here if at all possible.

"And you don't have anything else to say about it?" Jim reached into his desk drawer on his way out, pulling out a holo. "Can you put this in my bag?"

Jim hardened his expression. He didn't look at the holo as he gave it to Spock.

"Spock, I would like to discuss your thoughts regarding Lucy during transport. I also want all the information you have about Archer and what he may have up his sleeve that you can scrounge up. Could you transfer that to my PADD? I'm a bit behind." Jim sighed and walked out of the room.

"Yes, Captain."

Before placing the holo in a safe, outside pocket, Spock flipped it over. The photograph was one Nyota had taken on Jim and Carol's wedding day. Jim's grin was undeniably carefree and at the happiest point Spock had ever seen him. Dr. Marcus' love for Jim radiated from her brilliant smile. Her slender hand rested in the crook of Jim's arm as they stood side by side, both healthy, both alive.

Once downstairs, Spock beheld Jim and Sam looking at each other from opposite sides of the room. Jim, openmouthed at his brother's mottled and unrecognizable face and Sam, pure concern etched into his features for his younger brother.

"Oh my God. Sam."

"Jimmy, think nothing of this. It's okay."

"Sam. I..I'm so sorry."

Sam left his place on the couch beside Aurelan. "I'm healing. I'm fine. It looks worse than it feels. You just focus on what you have to do today. Not on me."

"Sam." Jim blanched when his brother neared. "What I did to you, Sam. What Aurelan...your boys...must..."

"Think you still saved the world. Which I'm pretty sure you did. At least twice."

"I should not have done that to you." Jim stepped away as Sam tried to put an arm around him. "That's unforgivable. I can't believe I did this to you."

Jim put more space between himself and his family and crew, the commanding man Spock just spoke to up in his room disappearing. Sam worriedly shifted on his feet. Bria'lel got up from the couch, holding Lucy, and quietly slipped out the front door. Spock noted the medical assistant's intuitiveness to remove Lucy from the potential harmful situation.

Jim attempted to flee. Spock went to his side.

"Spock, look at him!" Jim rasped. "It's sickening what I did. He needs me to leave."

"Jim, he does not hold this against you. Do not leave without allowing them to show you their concern." Spock's even, low tones settling Jim's flight response.

"Please, Spock. I don't want to make a scene. I did more than enough damage last night." Jim's eyes were clear but guilty. Spock held him fast when he saw Sam approaching.

"Wait, Jim. Your family needs their own closure before you leave."

"I do need you to leave, Jimmy." Unaware his brother had come up behind him, Jim stiffened when Sam firmly gripped his brother's shoulder, "but not like this. I have your back, even when you use me as a punching bag. I want you better so you can take care of my niece."

"Sam," Jim shook his head, "when I get out of the hospital, Lucy and I will find another place."

"Is that really what you think I want to happen? You're not going anywhere, little bro. Jimmy, what happened last night only matters in the sense that it helped you. I don't give a damn about my face. You could smash it again with your fists if it would help you get some peace for once. And the medal..." Sam reached his arm around Jim's neck but paused when Jim flinched and raised his own hand in defense.

"Jimmy," Sam paled and pulled back reluctantly. "I'm not Frank and I'm not going to retaliate. I'm not mad the medal is lost. We'll get by with Winona. It's not your fault."

Without another word, he crushed Jim with a sudden embrace. Sam poured out his affection on his brother even as Jim gave him no reason that he wanted it or accepted it. Jim straightened his shoulders and arms. As Spock suspected, the Kirk stubbornness did not end with Jim. Undeterred by Jim's reluctance for physical contact, Sam tried harder.

"You got this, Jimmy. Lucy loves you, I love you." Sam repeated. "I love you, Jimmy. Lucy loves you. Trust Spock and McCoy, Jim. Let us help you."

Sam repeated these words until his brother's shoulders finally relaxed. Jim folded forward into his brother's hold willingly. Spock stood beside them as their protective shield. Nyota and the rest of Jim's family left the room to allow the brothers a moment alone.

When the brothers stepped away from each other, Jim's eyes were wet. He grinned and clapped his hand on his brother's shoulder.

"I'll see you in a couple days. Thank you, Sam."

"Don't worry," Sam smirked, "I'll take care of both your girls."

"Sam."

"Oh, don't you try to back out of what's happening between you and Bria'lel."

"Shut up."

"Hey, if you didn't want me to know, you shouldn't have been kissing her on the stairs in my house." Sam said dryly. "But, really, I didn't mind. It was quite entertaining."

How enlightening. Spock really was not all that surprised to learn the captain and medical assistant partook of a kiss.

"Wait, how long were you watching us?" Jim glared at his brother.

Spock speculated how long Jim and Bria'lel's kiss had lasted.

"Long enough to see she's interested in you too, buddy." Sam returned the clap on Jim's shoulder. "So, like I said, I'll watch over both of them for you."

Sam smiled serenely and sauntered away.

"You did not just hear that." Jim counteracted his brother's noteworthy observations with a denial and scowl.

"Indeed, Jim, I did."

"No, I'm pretty sure you didn't." The scowl became apparent disappointment. "I doubt it'll happen again, anyways."

"She knows now that she is your subordinate."

Jim sighed heavily and walked towards the front door.

"She will not want to draw attention to herself by being in a relationship with the captain." The scowl on Jim's face reappeared. "I knew I should've just resigned."

In less than one day, Jim's observation about the medical assistant matched Spock's. As he walked with Jim, Spock's wished to expound his own fascination.

"Jim, you would prefer to pursue this relationship rather than continue your captainship?"

"Is that what it sounds like I want to do?" Jim's hand drifted over his beard.

Jim's confusion over his own feelings for Bria'lel filtered into Spock's human side more than anything. Head tilted, Jim gazed at Spock. It was with unabashed trust Jim questioned his first officer. Jim wanted an answer he could not even give himself.

"I believe you would prefer one alongside the other," replied Spock.

"Then I have to proceed cautiously." Jim gripped the doorknob.

"Affirmative, captain," Spock nodded. "That would be most wise."

"Yet I have a picture of Carol in my luggage. Explain that to me."

Before Spock could articulate his answer, Jim jerked open the door. Bria'lel snuggled with Lucy under a blanket on the porch swing. Jim's agitation vanished when he saw them. A genuine smile appeared, loving towards Lucy and inviting towards Bria'lel.

"May I sit here, Luce?" Jim tenderly asked his daughter. Spock felt pride for the father Jim had become.

Lucy stared up at her father, no smile in return and no word spoken. Her customary movement let Jim know she wanted him. He sat down, placing Lucy between Bria'lel and himself. Nine minutes remained for their goodbye. Spock took Jim's bag to the transport in the driveway. Dr. McCoy's departure earlier in the morning left Spock to watch over Jim. Spock waited by the transport and listened, but the trio on the swing said nothing to each other.

Instead, Jim watched Bria'lel as he tried not to let her know he watched her. Bria'lel glanced up at him twice, her expression tentative.

"Bria'lel, thank you for mending my hands last night." Jim kept up the motion of the swing.

Lucy raised her eyes her father, then back to Bria'lel. Spock noticed the small upturned movement of the little girl's lips. Since Jim revealed to Nyota that Lucy has never smiled, it was in turn revealed to Spock. Therefore, Spock concluded this was the very first time Lucy ever attempted to smile.

Her father had missed the event but had not missed the reason for the smile- Bria'lel.

Fascinating.

"You're welcome, Captain Kirk."

"About...that," Jim stammered. "I did not mean to...I mean...I didn't plan to mislead you...about the captain part."

Bria'lel tucked herself closer to Lucy. The medical assistant blinked her eyes seven times, a distinct human reaction to delay tears.

"Captain, you didn't mislead me."

"No? You already knew I hadn't resigned?" Jim teased confidently.

"Yes. I mean, no!" Bria'lel blurted out. "I just meant...it's fine, Captain."

"Jim. Bria'lel, it's Jim."

"I...if you're sure." Bria'lel said. "Jim."

"You've already called me James. I rather like that too," he teased again.

"I...I have?" Bria'lel gasped.

A woman not realizing she called a man by a more familiar name...

Jim and Bria'lel intrigued Spock. Their relationship was illogical. Jim's instant attraction to Bria'lel while still severely mourning his wife was illogical. Lucy's positive response to Bria'lel was illogical. However, their relationship, which included the factor of Jim's child, now carried the odds of actually working.

"Yup." Jim's posture relaxed and he pulled Lucy onto his lap.

"Oh, no." Bria'lel sounded much like Nyota when Nyota distressed over a misspoken name. Simply horrified.

The swing shook when Bria'lel got up too quickly. Lucy burst into her wild movement even though she sat with her father.

"Oh dear," said Bria'lel softly. "I'm sorry, Lucy."

She bent over the girl, oblivious to the effect she had on Jim.

Jim did not take his eyes off Bria'lel who was only inches away from him. Lucy lifted her arms to Bria'lel. Lucy left Jim's lap but the action went unnoticed by him. Bria'lel's features captured Jim. He took in everything about her- hair, arms, hands, face, and the Ikaaran ridges along her forehead.

"I will see you in two days," said Jim. "I can't wait."

"Jim, your daughter will be fine," Bria'lel whispered. Lucy's laid her head in the crook of the medical assistant's neck.

"Bria'lel, I can't wait until I see _you_ again in two days."

"Jim, I-"

"I won't press you, Bria'lel, but someday, I'd like to try a repeat of that kiss."

Jim had thrown caution to the wind and conveniently forgot his previous decision to refrain from engaging the medical assistant. The captain conveniently forgot numerous times in the past. Spock should not have expected it to be any different today.

"James, Spock can hear you," she hissed. "I don't want anyone to know that happened."

Bria'lel's reaction confirmed Spock's speculations. The medical assistant showed her timid nature to the captain. Yet, Jim continued in his playful banter.

Jim grinned. "I know that he can. And I know about the other, too. And you just called me James again. I'm game for keeping this a secret for some time, but Spock...he knows everything."

"When you return, Jim, we need to talk."

"This makes you that nervous?"

"It does." Bria'lel blinked her eyes furiously again.

"I didn't realize that it would bother you so much," Jim got off the swing in a rush. The swing hit him in the back of the legs repeatedly. He looked sad but concerned. "I'm sorry. I can take a hint."

"No!" Bria'lel put her hand on his arm. "That's not what I'm trying to say."

"It's not?"

Jim looked confused. Spock was confused. What _was_ she trying to say?

"I want to talk to you more...about what happened with that man at the hotel," said Bria'lel slowly.

"There's more to it? Bria'lel, what else happened?" Jim urgently asked. "I don't understand, and I don't like seeing you so distressed."

"Jim, please. Let's wait until you come home from the hospital, when you are well," she pleaded again.

"Only if you promise me you're okay. I can't stand it when you're hurting." Jim put his hands in his pockets, dejected.

"I promise, Jim." Bria'lel's sincerity paused Jim's downtrodden behavior. Spock was relieved. The captain's countenance had dipped and Dr. McCoy would be unhappy if it remained as such when the reached the hospital.

"If you promise," Jim relented, "we can talk in a few days, Bria'lel. Meanwhile, I don't know how to thank you for caring for Lucy like this. I..I couldn't go through with this procedure if it had not been for you."

"It's my pleasure."

Bria'lel, Lucy, and Jim returned to their seats on the swing. Jim sighed, closed his eyes, and crossed his arms behind his head. The three appeared to be their own family unit, a pleasurable silence between them. Spock felt the burden of aiding Jim in finding such a dynamic for Lucy and him.

"I've never left her for this long."

"It may be hard for her at times, Jim, but she'll be alright. She's like her father. Resilient."

"Hmm," Jim mumbled. "I'm hardly resilient these days."

"Give yourself a few weeks, Captain."

"Captain, again?"

"It's just," Bria'lel whispered, "Spock is listening."

"Usually, the captain part makes a girl go crazy. I'm losing my touch." Jim muttered.

"Captain Kirk," Bria'lel said dryly, "you are most humble."

The lazy, lopsided grin on Jim's face showed just how tired he was. It was time to go.

"Jim, we must depart for Starfleet General," said Spock.

Jim did not move from the swing. For ten seconds, Jim did not respond. When his smile wavered, Bria'lel placed Lucy on his lap. He opened his eyes and squinted against the sunlight flickering onto the porch. Jim instantly wrapped his arms around his daughter for his goodbye.

"Luce, you are coming to visit me in just two days." He kissed the top of her head. "Bria'lel will take care of you while I'm gone."

The little girl squirmed and slid off her father's lap. She placed her index finger in her mouth and wide-eyed looked at Jim, then Bria'lel, and back to Jim. Her other hand rested on Jim's knee. The swing jostled. She teetered gently but did not fall.

Jim paid his child no mind. The wind tossed a strand of hair across Bria'lel's cheek. Jim tucked the strand back behind her ear. Bria'lel blushed. Lucy's lips turned up into her second minuscule smile.


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Note: I've really enjoyed writing this story, but I have realized the time I have spent on it comes close to making it a part-time job. ;0 It's been worth it though, especially with the kind reviews. Thank you! I believe this chapter begins the next part to the story, which will get a little twisty! Not dark and twisty...just...twisty. This is still hurt/comfort/romance. You've all been forewarned!

* * *

"Jim, they will manage without you."

It was the third time Spock patiently informed Jim of what he already knew. Jim could not accept it. Their transport moved seamlessly along towards one of two places he'd wished to avoid- Starfleet General. It was further away from Lucy and from Bria'lel than he ever wanted to be. He needed them. Both of them.

Staring out the window had not accomplished a single thing the past ten minutes other than to increase Jim's anxiety. He saw Lucy's small body nestled next to Bria'lel's rather than the cornfields they were leaving behind. He saw Lucy's face which was, in essence, Carol's, as city after city city passed by.

"I'm hoping for Bones to work a miracle. I need to get back to Lucy."

The process was slow and painful, but Jim was coming to terms that his father's medal would never be found. It would be for the best. Jim could finally focus entirely on Lucy and caring for her properly. Spock had to realize exactly what Jim's theory had been all along. They had yet to discuss it. Jim did not want to discuss the theory because he would not leave Lucy, but the discussion was inevitable.

"He is more concerned over any allergic reactions you may have to the medication involved with the procedure. I am to inform you he has acquired a nurse, who is well acquainted with you, for the assisting with the operation and caring for you thereafter."

"I told him I need anonymity." Jim lifted his comm. He could not allow this.

"Jim, it cannot be undone."

"So, Lucy's safety doesn't mean anything? It's not to be placed above my own?"

"That is not how Dr. McCoy perceives the situation, Jim."

Jim knew he was being unreasonable. It wasn't Bones' fault. Nonetheless, Jim was ticked.

"Who is it?"

"Nurse Chapel."

Carol.

"The name distresses you."

"She was Carol's best friend." Jim thought of his hands on Bria'lel's beautiful face. He frowned at Spock, mulling over what Bria'lel had told him of the incident at the hotel. The questions which flashed through his mind distressed him more.

"Jim? What is your question?" Spock knew him so well.

"What did the man look like who assaulted Bria'lel yesterday afternoon?"

"He was Ikaaran and I would calculate only one to two years apart in age."

"Did he honestly believe she was his sister? Did he look anything like her?"

Spock tilted his head thoughtfully. "Do you doubt Bria'lel?"

"No," Jim stated. "I only want to understand what happened."

"He sincerely believed it to be so. I did not detect that he was lying nor did I sense this from Bria'lel." Spock replied. "I would say, yes, there is a subtle physical similarity between Bria'lel and the man beyond their distinguishing marks. Jim, is it your assumption after your own observations and conversing with Bria'lel that they are related?"

Bria'lel said she did not know the Ikaaran man but he was honest in his supplication. She showed extreme stress some time later. The Ikaaran man perhaps looked like her.

She called him James in Ikaaran.

She did not know she was afraid of heights. She forgot, she said.

Lucy responds to her as if she were her mother. Bria'lel responds to Lucy as if she could be her mother.

Their kiss was so familiar.

Jim could not help but think about her.

Who was this woman?

"I can't say for sure, Spock."

Jim tried to curb his frustrations and rapid fire thinking but then his comm beeped. It was Admiral Barnett. Talk about adding fuel to the fire. Archer promised Jim no one else would know where he was or what he was doing.

"Spock, why is Admiral Barnett contacting me?"

"I do not know, captain."

Wasn't the purpose of this transport to provide peace? He and Spock, discussing only Lucy or Bria'lel, and what Admiral Archer wanted. The latter issue was enough. Somehow, things had been turned on him. In his current state of mind, it imbalanced things even more. Jim scowled in frustration at Spock and handed him the comm.

Spock raised a serene eyebrow. "Captain, I am not the one to whom the admiral wishes to speak."

"I understand that, Spock. However, could you please inform him that I am resting before my surgery." Jim closed his eyes. To rest before his surgery.

"I cannot state that you are resting before your surgery. You are resting during transport."

"Which is, in fact, before my surgery. Please, Spock." Jim would win with this one. He grinned inwardly at the logic Spock could not deny.

"Very well."

"Jim Kirk, your leave of absence is over. You've been reinstated."

Jim jerked himself awake when he realized Spock had set the comm to speaker function. He glared at Spock and then at the comm. He could not let Barnett's comment slide by and Spock surely would not answer it.

"Don't I have a say in that, sir?"

"Not if you want to maintain your anonymity at Starfleet General. I've already spoken to Dr. McCoy. He informed me that following this procedure, your body will naturally heal and your strength will return quickly. It's very likely you'll be able to pass the physical by the end of the week. Kirk, we need you."

"Sir, with all due respect, yesterday I could not even sing a tune and you now expect me to pass the physical in a few short days."

"Do you doubt your CMO?"

Jim had complete faith in Bones but not in his own body. He did not feel like going into that with Barnett.

"I do not doubt my CMO, Admiral," Jim said hesitantly.

"Then what is your concern, Kirk. Out with it."

"It's my daughter, sir."

"I need you for a short mission. Two weeks, tops. Then you can come back for a few days to arrange for more permanent care."

No. This was not happening. The tension in his body rose. He inhaled, barely getting any oxygen in his lungs, and wheezed.

Spock placed a steadying hand on Jim's shoulder while pulling that menacing inhaler out of nowhere. Jim grabbed the lifeline.

Voices flickered in and out of his mind while he medicated. Carol's, then words from Bria'lel which should have come from Carol. Maybe they hadn't anyways, and Jim was out of his mind.

_I'm sorry I stayed away so long._

"Admiral, Captain Kirk requires more than a few days to allocate care for his daughter," Spock stated.

"Spock," the Admiral sighed, "despite how it sounds, I'm not out to wrench Kirk's young daughter away from him. Is he still there?"

Jim shook his head at Spock. He needed another minute.

"Captain Kirk is experiencing difficulty breathing, Admiral."

"What the hell did you do, Kirk, to get yourself in this mess?" Barnett voice escalated. The admiral's severe sigh came over the comm. He didn't wait for Spock or Jim to articulate an answer. "Kirk, I have you primarily set for diplomatic missions anyway. If you can't find a suitable place, bring her aboard."

Jim could not fathom having Lucy aboard his ship while the Enterprise maintained exploratory missions. The risk was too great. Diplomacy? He could perhaps handle that. Jim took a deep breath now that he could..

"Sir, I appreciate your offer. I believe it will be sufficient for a time." Jim leaned forward in concentration. "However, before I accept your demand for me to be reinstated, I need classified information."

"Don't play games with me, Kirk."

"I assure you admiral, I am not," said Jim. The mental whirlwind of Lucy, Bria'lel, and Carol had not settled in his mind. He could not place his reason in doing so, but he was about to ask Barnett for something crazy. "Sir, I would like you to forward to Commander Spock's PADD all the information regarding Dr. Lester's research. I am aware that everything found in her facility was confiscated and dealt with accordingly."

"Kirk, do you really want to put yourself through this?"

"Admiral Barnett, I will have that research," Jim's voice chilled, "or I will leave this transport immediately and you will never hear from me or see me ever again."

* * *

Spock escorted Jim to the line of oaks outside SFG. The crowd was light. Jim did not see a single soul he recognized. The sun failed to shine through Spock's well-predicted cloud covering but Jim wore his shades anyways. He wondered if he could even make it into the hospital on his own. The transport lacked the relaxation he'd expected, thanks to the unexpected and heated discussion with Barnett. If he could walk in without tripping over his feet, he'd be happy.

"Spock, could you look over the rest of Lester's research? If you find anything of significance come directly to my room or the operating room." Only a Vulcan could hear Jim's low voice. "I don't care if Bones is in the middle of the procedure and I'm out cold and half naked. Get yourself in there and whisper it into my ear. I want to know."

Nothing in his mind had calmed down since his conversation ended with Barnett.

_I'm sorry I stayed away so long._

Who had said that to him?

"Lieutenant," Spock said, "I wish you well."

Jim blinked back to the present. Judging from Spock's response, whoever just walked past knew Jim. He came to attention. Taking in consideration his role as Lieutenant Andrew Dennison, Jim gave Spock his best salute. He followed the figure walking ahead and instantly deduced it was his longtime friend, Captain Gary Mitchell.

Jim wished to drop his disguise to greet Mitchell but he did not know what Mitchell's presence meant for his own- and Lucy's- safety. Still conflicted, he refrained for Lucy's sake. Jim slowed down even more, his burdensome bag dangling from his hand. He saw a bench. It was his for the moment.

Spock had already left. Breath laboring, Jim rued his refusal to let Spock accompany him.

Maybe Bones would figure it out that he was still down here. Maybe Jim should call Bones. Maybe he should just...

"Excuse me? Lieutenant?"

Behind his sunglasses Jim's eyes finally focused on Mitchell, who had backtracked to speak with Jim.

"Yes, captain." Jim stated calmly. Most likely, his cover would not fool Mitchell.

"Do you need help with your bag?"

He did, but a captain who was willing to help a subordinate along the way? That was unusual. That was Mitchell.

"I do," Jim said.

"I could see you were ready to fall on your feet, even as you talked with Captain Spock." Mitchell clutched the bag. "I can walk with you."

"Thank you, captain." He had no problem lacing his voice with his fatigue and mental strain. Jim struggled when thinking of Bria'lel now. A burning sensation crept in his heart. What was he missing?

"May I inquire as to where you are headed?"

The way Bria'lel's arms went around Jim while they kissed. That was familiar. Jim stopped mid-stride. How had she done that? So similar to Carol?

"Lieutenant? Do you need me to comm Captain Spock?"

"Hmm?"

_I'm sorry I stayed away so long._

The lines between Bria'lel and Carol blurred.

"The hospital, we're walking you into the hospital. Do you want me to comm Captain Spock? Your doctor?"

Carol never got sick on rides.

Bria'lel forgot she got sick on rides.

"Captain," Mitchell snapped his fingers in front of Jim's face.

"Captain Mitchell," Jim jolted to attention. "Excuse me. Yes, I have a procedure scheduled this morning, and if you hadn't come along, Captain, I doubt I'd have made it in on time. Thank you."

Jim coughed after speaking so many consecutive words. Mitchell looked at him worriedly, but Jim ignored the glance and started towards the hospital entrance.

"I'm happy to oblige," Mitchell said, keeping in pace with Jim's stride. "Captain Spock watched you for a moment. I saw his concern."

Mitchell noticing Spock's concern meant trouble. Mitchell may have referred to Jim as captain a few seconds ago, but Jim wasn't sure.

"He had an appointment he could not miss." It was a flimsy excuse but logical.

The hospital's doors slid open. Bones waited a hundred feet away, arms crossed, and eyes directed right at him. Jim was not going to make it to Bones without Mitchell realizing who he was if he didn't already. Which he did know already. Jim sighed. If he could only figure out the mystery of Bria'lel, he'd not be so preoccupied.

"Is that your attending physician, Lieutenant?" Mitchell asked. Nothing on the captain's face revealed acknowledgement of Jim's identity but Mitchell was a sly bastard. Jim continued to play along.

"Dr. McCoy? Yes, Captain."

Bones lifted an eyebrow as Mitchell continued to accompany Jim. Mitchell handed Jim's bag to Bones.

"Dr. McCoy, it has been a long time."

The two shook hands. Bones grinned.

"Thanks for helping the lieutenant. A recent mishap left him weak as a babe."

Jim rolled his eyes behind his glasses. Bones and Mitchell continued to exchange words. Jim spied the couch behind Bones and plopped down. Were they going to take all day? Without thinking, he flipped the glasses off.

_Bria'lel. Carol_.

"It was my pleasure," Mitchell smirked at Jim. "Please let me know if I can be of service to your lieutenant. I am visiting a member of my crew for the next few days. I'd be happy to check in on him on behalf of Captain Spock."

"I'm sure the lieutenant would welcome that, isn't that right, Lieutenant Dennison?" Bones' drawl made Jim want to strangle him.

"I'm sure the lieutenant can very well make his own decision about visitors," Jim muttered and put the glasses back over his eyes.

"Pardon his manners, Captain Mitchell. The lieutenant here grew up amongst cornfields."

"I knew someone who grew up near cornfields. I miss him." Mitchell's honesty brought back that racing thought.

_I'm sorry I stayed away so long._

It couldn't be. Jim took the sunglasses off and put his head down in his hands. Who had spoken to him as he was half-asleep?

Bria'lel or Carol? A dream or real?

"Jim," Bones laid a hand on his shoulder. "You're early. Spock commed me you were on your way in. Mitchell just left, and I think I better get you up there in this."

Jim did not protest to the wheelchair. Jim's brain failed to signal his legs to move while Bria'lel remained such a mystery to him.

"What's going on with you this morning?" Bones leaned in to whisper. "Even Mitchell, who hasn't seen you in months, realized you're off planet."

"I'm thinking."

Jim was thinking too much, too fast, too hard. It was necessary, unstoppable thinking.

"Thinking must make you extra tired." Bones muttered. "And extra irritable."

"I'm irritable because of Nurse Chapel."

Jim needed Bria'lel, not Nurse Chapel. Bria'lel should be here. Carol should be here.

"Lieutenant," Bones said, "She is the best nurse for the job."

"Doctor, that wasn't in the deal."

"It's for your safety."

"She better keep her mouth shut."

"I know you're upset about it, but don't be rude to her."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Jim scowled.

"You really are in a bad mood."

"I've been reinstated."

Again, Jim longed for Carol, then for Bria'lel. Spock had the research Jim should be looking at himself. Lucy would have to board the Enterprise.

Jim was stressed.

"Oh," Bones sighed. "Where does that leave you and Lucy?"

"In the middle of nowhere. It's too soon, but Barnett didn't leave me a choice." Jim glared at Bones. "He said I'll be able to pass the physical shortly. Really, Bones?"

"Jim, he commed me this morning after he talked with Archer. I said that to reinforce that you will be well on your way to better health, not encourage an admiral to reinstate you." Bones said. "Actually, you will feel a difference within a few days following your surgery. As long as you listen to me and rest the next several days, you will be able to pass that physical sooner than you think. Especially since you've climbed that quarry at least once this week."

"Well, it backfired." Jim said as they entered his room. "All in the name of diplomacy, doctor."

Nurse Chapel stared when she saw Jim, a poignant sadness in her eyes. It was there for a split second before it was replaced with her professional smile.

"Good morning, Lieutenant Dennison," she said cheekily.

* * *

"Lieutenant, Dr. McCoy said you may need this." Nurse Chapel finished checking his vitals another time and handed Jim his comm. "You have five minutes until we transport you to the operating room. I'll be right aside."

Jim fingered his comm, debating what he would say to Bria'lel. Of course, he would ask about Lucy. He'd thank Bria'lel again for watching over his daughter.

He'd plead for her to come today instead of in two days.

He'd ask her why she was so fearful, about the Ikaaran man, about him, about the Ferris wheel.

He'd tell her she was beautiful.

He'd explain that he enjoyed being with her.

Jim lifted his comm, and couldn't call her.

For five minutes, he just held the comm. For five minutes, he contemplated why he felt the same attraction for Bria'lel as he had for Carol. For five minutes, he mourned for his wife. For five minutes, he delighted in the time he spent with Bria'lel.

For five minutes, he fought with himself.

Finally, he whipped his comm across the room in frustration.

The smattering of pieces brought Christine back into the pre-op room. She looked in shock at his broken comm and then to Jim.

"Jim, do you need me to bring in Dr. McCoy?" She asked Jim softly, coming over again to check his vitals. "He's preparing for your surgery, but you know he would come."

His blood pressure had to have risen. His heart rate had to have skyrocketed. Jim couldn't answer Christine. His heart was breaking for two people and he couldn't stop it.

"No," he rasped, hating that his eyes pricked with tears. "I just need...a holo."

"I can send someone to get it for you."

"No!" Jim yelled.

He sat up abruptly, accidentally deporting an IV line from his hand. He had to get the holo. No one else. Lucy needed to be kept safe.

"Lucy," Jim gasped.

Another nurse came in as machines continued to signal his fluctuating vitals. Christine shook her head at the second nurse and the woman left.

"Jim, please calm down. Lucy is with her caretaker." Christine gently guided him back on the pillow.

"I need that holo."

"Would you like someone to get it for you? Can I get it for you?"

"No," Jim violently shook his head. "Only I can get it."

"Jim, you cannot do that," responded Christine. "You're here, going soon into surgery."

His wheezing began, thinking of the holo and keeping Lucy safe and missing Carol and needing Bria'lel.

"Jim, I'm giving you the medication Dr. McCoy ordered in case you had trouble breathing before surgery," Christine said calmly as she gave him the hypo. "This is good. Your vitals are returning to normal."

She frowned at him while he regained his breath.

"Jim, you cannot get yourself worked up again."

"I...am sorry." It was the only thing Jim could say. He couldn't tell Carol's best friend he longed for another woman while he still loved Carol.

"It's nothing I'm not used to." Christine said dryly. "Now, promise me, Jim, that you will not move a muscle. I will get your holo but I have to send the other nurse in and she hypos quite fiercely, even more than Dr. McCoy."

"Christine, the holo, it's of Carol."

"I figured as much," Christine's eyes glistened. "I'll bring it to you safely."

"In the outside pocket." Jim winced when she reinserted his IV.

"Behave," she ordered as she left.

Jim behaved only because he drifted off. The next thing he knew, the holo lay in the palm of his hand and the biobed was moving. Touching the holo was enough. He didn't have to look.

Christine walked beside him. "Lieutenant, it's time. Once we are in the room, Dr. McCoy will sedate you."

"I need my comm."

"The one you demolished?" Christine sighed. "Of course, you do."

"What did the lieutenant demolish?" Bones chirped pleasantly as he came to Jim's side.

"My comm," Jim said sheepishly. "Doctor, can I borrow yours? I do need to call her."

Christine's eyebrows rose. She looked questioningly at Jim.

"Bria'lel, the woman who is taking care of Lucy," Jim rushed to say.

"I should adhere it to your hand so you don't destroy it too," Bones said. He nodded to the other nurse. "Delaying this is not helping, Lieutenant."

The nurse handed Jim the comm. He was not going to get privacy this time. Nonetheless, he had to hear Bria'lel's voice.

"Jim?"

"Yeah."

"She's fine, Jim."

"I know."

"What happened? You should have been in surgery already, James."

James. He loved hearing that.

"I have a habit of delaying the inevitable," he confessed. "And I threw my comm."

"James." Bria'lel scolding him put a grin on his face.

"Lieutenant," Bones whispered.

"I have to go."

"Wait! Let me put Lucy on." Bria'lel fumbled in the background but soon Jim heard his daughter's tiny breaths. "It's your daddy, sweetheart."

"Dadda."

The word was spoken so softly, so swiftly, but Jim heard it.

"Did she just-"

"Jim, yes, she did. She started saying that as soon as you left." Bria'lel's laughter trickled into his heart.

"I'm proud of you, my child," Bria'lel murmured to Lucy in Ikaaran. Lucy replied with another word. A second word

"Mama."

"Oh, I didn't teach her that, Jim. I'm sorry." Bria'lel sounded as if she were about to cry. Jim didn't mind what Lucy said, in fact...

Jim couldn't hold the comm. His fingers went limp in shock and dropped the comm. Jim looked at Bones.

"She spoke, Bones. Lucy. She spoke my name."

Lucy said Jim's name. She said...

Bones took the comm. "Bria'lel, he has to go. He's fine other than dealing with the shock of hearing Lucy's first word. I will let you know when we're done."

_Mama._

Again, the lines between Bria'lel and Carol blurred.

It was illogical, but maybe...

"Time to knock you out, Buddy." Bones had ended the conversation with Bria'lel. Jim would welcome the rest from his overactive mind, but as the waves of unconsciousness came, he fought them.

Bria'lel. Carol.

What she'd said to Lucy on the comm.

_My child._

Jim blinked back the darkness again.

"Stop being so difficult," Bones muttered. "Let go, for once."

He wasn't trying to be difficult for Bones but words from Jim's past drifted into his mind.

_"If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."_

Those words from Spock made this idea possible. Jim didn't understand it all but he understood the most vital piece. Jim could finally make sense of his feelings, of them, of her and Lucy.

The darkness crept in, surrounding Jim's thoughts but he fought it still. He figured out the mystery. He wanted to relish in the knowledge, let it filter into his consciousness for as long as possible. Its sweetness found its way back into his hurting heart. He could heal. Lucy could heal.

Lucy already was healing.

Unconsciousness would come in seconds. As he tucked the wonderful, illogical thought into his mind one last time, Jim realized he'd done an awful, unforgivable, singular thing.

He'd threatened his own wife.


	15. Chapter 15

Author's Note: Isn't Jim so smart? ;0 He needs to be...on this twisty road we're on.

Huge thanks to DLB48- my amazing beta reader. I greatly appreciate the reviews, favs, and follows. I'm having so much fun sharing this story and knowing there are those who enjoy reading it makes it even better! Thanks again!

* * *

"Captain, you've been sitting here, diligently studying your PADD, ever since the lieutenant went into surgery four hours ago." Mitchell grabbed the idle chair next to Spock and sat down.

"Indeed." Spock continued in his search. "However, since Captain Kirk has been reinstated as of this morning, I am to be addressed as his first officer.

"Commander, then. I do not think you've found exactly what you want." Mitchell said with a chuckle. "I've never seen you frown before today."

"You are correct. I have not located the information I desire," Spock looked up at Mitchell briefly. "I do, on occasion, frown, Captain."

"Do you know what you are looking for?"

"The lieutenant informed me I will know when I find it." Spock did not want to fail Jim, but he felt like he was failing him now. Mitchell's questions were curious. Three others sat in the waiting room. Spock did not wish to answer any further questions.

"How's he doing?"

He would answer that on behalf of Jim's friendship with Mitchell.

"Lieutenant Dennison's procedure is almost complete. He is fairing as Dr. McCoy expected."

"Commander, if I may inquire, what happened to him?"

Spock remained silent. Mitchell did not back down.

"How is his daughter? She would be what, two now?" Mitchell smiled.

"She is."

"Will she come visit him?"

Spock ceased his reading and crossed his arms. Captain Mitchell looked innocent enough, but his questioning was out of character.

"Captain Mitchell, what is the reason for your interrogation?"

"I want to help you find the information he wants."

"That decision would be up to the lieutenant, Captain Mitchell."

"How badly does he want the rest of the research? He trusts you, doesn't he?"

"You are aware of what we are looking for, although I do not understand how."

"I am, Commander." A guarded expression settled on Mitchell's face. "I will offer an explanation when-"

Spock's comm buzzed. It was Dr. McCoy. "Excuse me, Captain."

Mitchell turned politely away as Spock answered.

"Spock," Dr. McCoy said, "We're done. He's stirring, crazy bastard, though he should have been out cold for awhile longer. He's mumbling nonsense and asking for you. I need him to rest. Get your hobgoblin self in here now!"

"I am on my way." Spock stood up. "We will continue this later, Captain."

"Spock," Mitchell followed Spock as he walked. "I can give you want you want when I can speak to you and the lieutenant, privately. Was that Dr. McCoy?"

"It was. The surgery is over and he is awakening." Spock could not deny the intrigue he felt regarding Mitchell's supposed knowledge but he had no right to include Mitchell without first conversing with Jim. "Captain Mitchell, I cannot guarantee he will want to speak with you regarding this."

"If he wants to know in detail all of Dr. Lester's research, he'll talk to me." Mitchell murmured. "I'll be waiting."

* * *

"Nothing?" Jim frowned, clearly disturbed.

"Affirmative, Lieutenant," replied Spock. "However, I see a gaping hole in what the admiral gave us."

"What kind of hole, Spock?" Jim barely contained a yawn. His eyes fluttered but he jerked them open when Dr. McCoy returned to the room, scowling at both of them. "Doctor, please give me another minute."

"Nurse Chapel, have that sedative prepped and ready. Lieutenant Dennison has his extra minute." Dr. McCoy stayed, looking over Jim's vitals. "And only one minute."

"There is a lack of cohesiveness throughout, as if information was purposely left out."

"I need that information, Spock." Jim looked pained. "To understand..."

Jim left the sentence hang, his words sounding so strained Spock could only assume he was holding back a rush of emotion.

"Doctor, we need time alone with the lieutenant."

"Lieutenant?" McCoy was gentle in asking Jim, finally noticing Jim's internal struggle as he put his tricorder and PADD down.

Jim tentatively nodded.

After all of the nurses vacated the room, McCoy settled himself next to Jim's bed, waiting. Spock came closer to Jim. He inspected his captain, seeing a blaze of pain behind his eyes.

"Jim, do you wish to have complete access to Dr. Lester's research?"

"I do," Jim said.

"Captain Mitchell approached me. He knows we have this file. He said that he knows the whereabouts of the remaining information. He is also willing to give it to us."

"What is he now? A Section 31 agent?" Jim scoffed. "That's the only way this makes sense."

Spock thought the same thing and affirmed it with a quick nod.

"I didn't expect I'd be right," Jim's eyes widened. "That does explain...Oh my God."

Jim's face paled so markedly that Dr. McCoy double checked his vitals.

"Jim, can't this wait?"

"Captain-"

"No, Bones, it can't wait. Spock, she could be in danger, or...or...Lucy could be. This could help Lucy, but is he trustworthy? I need to talk with Car...Bria'lel."

Jim's words urgently cut through Spock's own logic. Even so, Spock heard his stutter.

"You were about to say your wife's name, Jim."

Jim's eyes filled. "Spock, please..."

"Jim, this is what you woke up saying. Carol's name and then Bria'lel's." said McCoy.

Jim's hand shook as he pressed it to his forehead, then to wipe his eyes. Spock's heart constricted at Jim's tears. Such emotion Jim reserved...for his wife.

"Will you talk to Mitchell about that research?" Jim asked brokenly. "But promise me, Spock and Bones, that while I'm stuck recuperating the next few days you will do everything in your power to keep them safe."

"Jimmy, who are you talking about?"

"Do you mean Bria'lel and Lucy, Jim?" Spock stood, unwilling to move. Jim pressed his lips together, unwilling to answer. A moment passed in their stubbornness.

"Can you promise me?" Jim pleaded once more. He leaned forward, wincing. "I need you to promise their safety first."

"Jim, you can't move around like that. Relax," McCoy ordered. He pressed a hypo in Jim's neck. "Your blood pressure is climbing, Jimmy.

"Spock?"

"We promise, Jim," Spock said, lifting an eyebrow at McCoy.

Hearing this, Jim settled back in his bed. He rubbed his beard with one hand. Spock waited for Jim to go forth in his explanation. McCoy leaned against the wall, arms crossed but patiently looking at Jim.

"You're not leaving until I tell you, are you?" Jim's glance moved warily from Spock to McCoy.

"Affirmative."

"I can't tell you, yet."

"Why not, Jim?"

"Because..." Jim stopped, wincing again and closing his eyes.

"Jimmy, it's time to rest. Your vitals are bouncing off the wall." McCoy was at his side once more, hypo in hand.

"No, Bones," Jim whispered. "I need to talk with Bria'lel. Just...comm her, please."

"Jim, you're still the most frustrating patient I've ever had," McCoy grumbled as Spock proceeded to use his comm. "Can you relax for once when you need to? You're half-asleep, anyways. I'll be back. I'll let you have your privacy."

"No, Bones. Stay." Jim's eyes succumbed to their heaviness. "You have to hear, too."

Spock put the comm on his lap, set to speaker, seeing Jim's inability to keep awake.

"Bria'lel," Jim whispered.

"Jim? You're done with your surgery? Please tell me it went well."

"It did," he sighed tiredly.

"You're not listening to Dr. McCoy, are you? You should be resting."

"Hmm," Jim chuckled. His eyes remained closed. "True. Bria'lel..."

"Yes?"

"I figured it out."

The pregnant pause between the two allowed the emotion on Jim's face to grow. Tears rolled down his face. Spock could hardly bear to watch. Bria'lel sobbed in the background.

"I'm so sorry, Jim," Bria'lel cried. "I di..didn't kn...know..."

"Stop, Carol. It's okay. I understand." Jim sighed heavily. "You were waiting...until I was better."

Spock's skin crawled as Jim said his wife's name.

"Did he just call Bria'lel...Carol?" McCoy gaped at Spock.

"Indeed, doctor."

"Oh, J..Jim.."

"Sorry," Jim slurred. "Was...such a jerk."

"I don't hold that against you." Bria'lel said, her voice stronger. "Besides, I was the one who was ill in your sweater yesterday."

"I'm sorry...you're...afraid now."

"I know, Jim." Bria'lel said quietly.

"I love you," Jim slurred again. "Will you and Luce...today?"

"James, I love you, too," Bria'lel's voice was lighter, as if she were smiling. "You would like for us to come today?"

"Ummhmm."

"Do you wish for me to tell anyone? Your brother?"

"Only Uhura, if...want to," Jim managed to reply. "Spock. Bones. Keep...safe. My wife..."

"They know?" Bria'lel asked softly. "Spock is there right now, too? I should've assumed he would be."

"Come."

"We're coming, Jim. We're coming."

Jim's breathing steadied and deepened. Spock stood in shock, watching over Jim and wanting to erase the past two years of anguish he had endured.

"Spock," Bria'lel spoke through the comm. "Is he asleep?"

Spock listened to Jim's even breath. McCoy sighed as he gave Jim a sedative to ensure he rested properly.

"He is," Spock mused. "I will send transport for you, Nyota, and Lucy. Do not tell anyone but Sam Kirk where you are going. As Jim requested, do not mention to anyone but Nyota that you are Carol Marcus."

"Why?" Bria'lel whispered, "Are we in danger? Lucy?"

"Captain Mitchell approached me here today. He knows that Jim asked for Dr. Lester's research. I could not discern yet if Mitchell is trustworthy. Jim suspects you are in danger and I concur." Spock said. "I will have Nyota inform me when you arrive so that I can escort you inside the hospital."

"Perhaps we should not come, then." Bria'lel's voice trembled. "I did not tell him what Dr. Lester did...I could not... because I wanted him to be stronger. This cannot be good for him. He will not want to remain in-"

"No, he will not wish remain in the hospital, but if in fact you do not come, I have no doubt that Jim will get himself out of bed as soon as he awakes and make his way back to you," Spock smoothly interrupted. "Jim wishes you to be here. I promised him I would ensure your safety. I cannot do that when you are in Riverside."

"He had you promise to watch over us," Bria'lel whispered.

"He did."

"He is going to let himself get better, then, and listen." Bria'lel said slowly. "Alright. We will be ready."

Two minutes passed after Spock finished speaking with Bria'lel. McCoy paced the room. Spock stared at Jim, wanting him to wake up to help them make sense of this revelation. Jim had just handed Spock a great responsibility.

He would do as Jim asked. He would fight with his very life to keep Jim's wife and daughter safe. He would do everything possible for Jim's happiness to remain, no matter how fragile the probability.

"My medical assistant is a freaking weapons specialist." McCoy was the first to speak.

"Dr. McCoy, I do not think that she is a weapons specialist any longer."

"She's still Jim's wife, right?"

"Yes, doctor."

"When did he figure this out? Just now? Before his surgery? Yesterday?"

"I do not believe he knew before today. Did he continue to behave irritably after I left?"

"Irritable? He was a damn grouch, that's what." McCoy scowled. "He said he was thinking. He was rude to Mitchell. He threw his comm. He badgered Christine about the holo. He fought the anesthesia I gave him with all he had."

"That is your answer, doctor," Spock swallowed. He sat in the chair beside Jim. "He went directly into his surgery with the knowledge his wife was alive."

"How did he even figure this out? Why didn't she tell any of us?"

"She is not the same woman she once was."

"No," McCoy said slowly. "She is not. Yet, Jim loves her."

"Yes," Spock continued to watch Jim. "He does."

"So now what? If Mitchell is Section 31, then-"

"We must fulfill our promises, doctor." Spock interrupted. "Keep them safe. Find the answers."

"We don't even know if we can trust that bastard now, Spock." McCoy slammed a hand against the wall. "He'll figure out who she is when she comes, you know."

"He may know already."

"If he knew that Carol...is Bria'lel...and dammit, Spock, how in the hell did that even happen? When did this happen?" McCoy raged. "If Mitchell knew Carol became Bria'lel and didn't tell us or Jim, then I'll kill him."

"We must proceed cautiously. Murder is not the answer."

"I know, I know," McCoy frustratingly ran his hands through his hair. "Dammit. You try telling that to Jim if we discover Mitchell knew about this. Spock, I'm going to have to cuff him to this damn bed!"

"He will listen to Bria'lel."

"Bria'lel." McCoy struggled saying Carol's protective, new name. "She was a damn good weapons specialist."

"That she was, doctor."

"She is a damn good medical assistant, too. Thank God I never asked her out," McCoy surmised. "I'd be facing the last miserable few hours of my miserable life right now while Captain Kirk enjoys his peaceful slumber."

"Doctor, it is fortunate our captain is unconscious and cannot hear that I concur. You were very wise, indeed."


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Note: This is where the author of this story has to start the whole "post, run, and hide trick" for a few chapters. ;0 Be kind, though. Don't throw too many tribbles at me- I just lost my beloved cat of 15 years yesterday. My heart's still a bit tender. As always, MANY thanks to the fabulous beta reader, DLB48. To those who are following and reviewing- I greatly appreciate it! BTW- in this chapter, there is mention of an event which occurred in my other story. Again, you don't have to read that other story, but if you need a question answered please feel free to send me a message!

* * *

Jim knew.

Jim still loved her.

Jim wanted to see her..._today_.

Carol closed her comm and sank to the floor. She did not cry. She watched her daughter stare up at the mobile her father made for her. That's what Lucy did, in her room, or outside, or at her father. Lucy had the same attraction for the stars as her father.

Even if Carol would never be known as Carol again, even if she had to spend the rest of her life in hiding, she would do what her daughter did- look up. Be hopeful. Remain focused and determined, like Jim.

Jim still _loved_ her.

With that thought, a sob shook Carol but she covered her mouth with one hand. She could not withdraw back into her shell. She had to face who she was now, this mixture of two people. Jim loved who she was. Lucy needed her just as she was.

"Bria'lel? Is everything okay?" Sam entered Lucy's room.

She stared a few seconds at her brother-in-law, wanting to tell him not to grieve for Jim anymore, but it wasn't her place. Jim had told her not to. So she smiled.

"It is, but..." Carol did not know how to tell Sam that Jim needed both her and Lucy two days early. While she debated this, he gave her a hand up off the floor. "Thank you."

"You're not leaving Lucy so soon, are you?" Sam asked anxiously.

"It's Jim," she began, but hardly got another word out before Sam interrupted.

"Something went wrong, didn't it?" Sam's eyes grew wide. "They were supposed to let us know how he was doing. Was it Dr. McCoy? "

"Sam, he's fine," Carol reassured but Sam still looked concerned. "Jim asked me to come today, with Lucy. Lieutenant Uhura will arrive shortly with the transport."

"Why does he need to see you so soon?" Sam looked at her curiously. "My brother is more than infatuated with you. He's acting way gone. Like he did when..."

Sam uncomfortably let the sentence drift away but it did not drive a stake into her heart as perhaps he assumed. Instead, it lightened her spirit.

"It's okay, Sam. He has a great need to see Lucy," she offered.

"He didn't ask for me, I take it," Sam grinned. "I'll come as scheduled unless he decides he cannot wait to see me, too. I don't know if I want to spend time in transport outnumbered by girls, three to one."

"You brother would hardly mind if he was in your shoes," Carol said dryly.

"I don't know about that. You didn't have to live with him the past eighteen months. He never glanced once towards another woman until you came along," Sam sighed. "I wanted him to, but he would stomp off as mad as hell if I approached the subject. Besides, when Carol was alive, he commed me, his estranged brother, more than once just to tell me how stupid other men looked when they flirted outrageously. He warned me never to do that to Aurelan. Coming from him, I knew he truly loved Carol to let go of those ways so many have tagged him with. I think he kept the facade just to protect himself. Carol helped change that."

He grinned at her another time. "And now, it's a woman who yet again is coming to his rescue."

"I just happened to be at the right place-"

"No, I think it was more than that," Sam drew out the words, deep in thought. "You followed my boys. You followed your instinct, for whatever reason, and I thank you."

"You're welcome," she said quietly.

Within a half hour, Carol packed Lucy's bag, including one Kelvin memento from the mobile, and borrowed several things for herself from Aurelan to put in another bag. As she left Lucy's room, Carol grabbed Jim's guitar. They were ready, just in time. Carol's heart pounded as Uhura stepped out of the transport, half expecting the woman to already know who she was.

Uhura only smiled and grabbed Carol's bag to help. "I knew Jim couldn't be away from his precious Lucy more than a few hours."

"He is utterly smitten with her," Carol agreed.

"Spock informed me he's been reinstated," Uhura commented after they were seated. "That could very well be the reason for this sudden trip."

"He...he was?" Carol had not known. It meant more stress for Jim. He should not have to push himself like this. "When?"

"He is to report by the end of the week, if he can pass the physical." Uhura peered at Carol. "This distresses you."

"It does. Captain Kirk...he needs more time now." She barely got the words out as a fresh wave of tears came. Not only did Carol believe Jim needed more time to rest, to regain the strength he clearly did not have, but she wanted to spend time with him.

Especially if the threat of her safety was imminent.

Carol carefully pulled out the Kelvin salt shaker. Its weight comforted her, made her think of Jim. She wiped at her tears, mad at herself more than ever for being so fearful with Lucy so near.

"Bria'lel," Uhura said.

Her shipmate's tender way of saying her name caused Carol to freeze in fear.

She had to tell her. She didn't know how. She couldn't let this information slide by any longer. It wasn't right. She needed Uhura's friendship now more than ever. Jim had told Carol she could tell Uhura, if she wanted to. And she did want to.

The Kelvin salt shaker slipped out of her shaking fingers on to the floor. Uhura reached to pick it up.

"Jim always wanted to return and get one of those from the bar. He told me, in detail, about that night when Christopher Pike stopped that fight and he first met you," Carol whispered. "When he showed us the mobile, I already knew he was a caring, doting father to our daughter. When I saw him at the fair, he was holding out the cotton candy for her to lick with her sweet, tiny tongue. But she could hardly reach and it got on her nose. Lucy's nose, her hair, her face...she looks just like I did when I was a child."

She dreaded looking at the lieutenant. Carol expected to see contempt or disbelief on her face. Instead, tears poured down Uhura's cheeks and a dawning understanding reflected in her widened, shocked eyes. With all the courage she could garner, Carol continued.

"When Jim threatened me, I stood and took it, because I loved him, because I knew before I ran from that building that night, that he would hate who I was now, what Dr. Lester did to me, to us, on the day Lucy was born. I did not think that he could ever look at me with love again. Jim doesn't hate who I am now, Nyota. He figured it out. He asked me to come. He told me he loves me, Nyota. That's Captain James T. Kirk. He figures things out."

With that, Carol succumbed to her relief, sobbing harder than she did the previous night.

"I've mi...missed..h..him..." Uhura's arms wrapped around Carol. She leaned into Nyota as her strength left, ebbing away with each tear. "I..never...th..thought..."

"Shhh," Uhura gently hushed her. "I won't pretend to understand what happened, but I do believe you. Jim does love you. Jim has always loved you. It's no wonder he has found you again."

* * *

Spock found Captain Mitchell exactly where they had first conversed in the hospital, in a far corner. The room was vacant. Spock took the seat across from the captain.

"So, he wants it."

"He would like to have the information," Spock paused, weighing what he would say next, "as long as I deem you to be trustworthy."

"And Section 31 is not synonymous with trustworthy, isn't that right, Spock?" Mitchell leaned in his chair, looking as nonchalant had they been discussing the weather.

"You do not have a crew member to visit," Spock said, making a point that Mitchell already showed deceit.

"No, I do not," Mitchell was confident. It did nothing to settle Spock's apprehension. "However, I do have a missing captain to visit."

"I cannot let that happen, Captain Mitchell."

"I am still his friend."

"That remains to be seen." Spock was not feeling very courteous. He could quite possibly try to frighten his man into telling him the truth if Mitchell did not take the hint. He could also very well hurt him if he had done nothing to aid Jim after all this time but had kept silent the very information which could put Jim's family back together.

Mitchell pulled out his PADD, set it on the table between them, and turned it 180 degrees.

Dr. Lester's missing research, a mix of the improbable with the probable.

Carol's life source, the person she was, had been transferred to the body of an Ikaaran woman.

It was that incident which marked the first successful switch, according to these records. Carol's name had been left out. So had the Ikaaran woman's. The truth appeared to only exist in the minds of a handful of people. Spock continued to read, verifying in his mind that no other experiment had succeeded.

Lester's research had finally shown complete positive results for the first time on the day of Lucy's birth. Somehow, the experiment had been recorded before Dr. Lester died or by an assistant afterwards.

The question was, did Mitchell know it had been Carol's life source which had been switched?

"Why did he want to see this?"

"Jim has questions regarding Dr. Lester. He simply requested the information to understand more about the woman who was with Carol at the end."

"Or, he just learned that something like this could happen or did happen. Otherwise, I believe Captain Kirk would have requested this information a long time ago. On the very day that his wife died and his daughter was born."

Mitchell's steely resolve was impressive but he, in all probability, lacked any evidence. To Spock's knowledge, Mitchell was as untrustworthy as Khan, Admiral Marcus, and Sloan.

In essence, Mitchell was Jim's enemy until proven otherwise. Spock's stomach turned at the thought of what Jim's enemies could do with proof of a successful life essence transfer. Bria'lel's very existence could undermine the security of the Federation should the procedure be weaponized.

Spock had already witnessed the destruction that Section 31 agents had unleashed on an unsuspecting Captain Kirk within months of the Enterprise's five-year mission. Spock knew with great certainty that the agency would not rest until they had the captain and his wife where they could be tested and examined as subjects in a grand science experiment. From there, the situation would gather momentum and sweep Lucy up in its path of destruction.

It was unacceptable. Spock would fight with his very life to prevent his captain and friend from losing his family – a second time.

"Captain Mitchell, I thank you for this information."

"Still, you do not believe me or trust me." Mitchell leaned forward. "How about I tell you that I know Carol is alive and I believe her husband just figured it out for himself. Shall I tell you that I was unaware of this myself until four months ago, when a certain medical assistant forged her credentials to board the Enterprise for the second time?"

"You cannot prove you are Jim's friend. You had this information for four months, captain, and did not try to find Jim to explain. Therefore, I will not discuss this anymore with you, Captain Mitchell." Spock nodded politely and walked away. It took five seconds, but Mitchell then gave him the lead he wanted.

"I did not contact Jim because I did not know where he was. I have tried finding him, but I did not want to draw anymore attention to him because this information has gained the curiosity of a certain agent," Mitchell sighed. "I also am on this agent's watch list because of my friendship with Jim."

Spock stopped immediately. _Sloan_.

"Yes. Sloan, the man who drugged and almost killed your captain has somehow found himself back in good graces with the system. I am now in charge of this file. I will not add to it, you have my word," Mitchell said, too softly for any human ears. "The fewer the people who know who Bria'lel really is, the better. If you would like the research classified even further than this, I will only talk with your captain."

"Very well," Spock turned around. Jim knew that the essence of Carol had been transferred to the body of an Ikaaran woman. Mitchell knew or suspected the same, and now Agent Sloan was involved. The situation was more tenuous than even Jim had suspected. Worse still, the file lacked detailed information of the physical and psychological effects on the body during the switch. That information would be crucial to help Lucy.

Spock reluctantly concluded that he would have to trust Mitchell.

"I will arrange a time and contact you when I have done so," Spock said firmly.

"She's coming today, isn't she? In transport with Lucy Kirk and Nyota Uhura."

Spock held back the surprise from his face.

"There are eyes everywhere. I suggest that she acts as nonchalantly as possible coming in and going out of here. Although, it was smart of Kirk to keep his identity hidden before admittance because his anonymity will aid in their safety," Mitchell strode towards Spock. "Nonetheless, I believe you should get the three of them on board the Enterprise as soon as possible."

Spock already had that in mind. Given Jim's abrupt reinstatement, it would not be difficult.

"I strongly suggest that you transport Bria'lel and Lucy to a safe place for an indefinite period of time." Mitchell paused. Spock knew Jim would not understand if he relayed such a suggestion. Jim's family was on the cusp of being put together again. Spock could not imagine the fresh pain this news would inflict upon them. "Please tell your captain to do this, until I can calm the waters, but I would much rather talk with him myself."

"What waters need to be calmed, Captain Mitchell?"

Mitchell's expression pained. Dread curled in Spock's stomach as Mitchell continued to speak quietly.

"Besides the fact that it would be unusual, given Kirk's fierce dislike for Ikaaran women, to all of a sudden have one by his side? Sloan actually discovered the location of Jim two months ago, soon after he learned Dr. Lester's research was not entirely fallible. Lester was working with 31. Sloan's interest in the research has risen since he learned of Carol's supposed friendly relationship with Dr. Lester and her assistants. I do not know what he has in mind, but given the history he has with Jim I do not trust him."

"Sloan is watching him."

Mitchell nodded. "On occasion. But I believe that he does not know what truly happened to Carol, only that she was with Lester and the six Ikaaran women."

"I trust he will not find out either, for the sake of your own life, Captain Mitchell." Spock's icy threat caused Mitchell to flinch.

"Agreed, Commander," Mitchell struggled to speak, and for the first time revealed his fear on his face. "I will do everything that I can to let Kirk keep his family together. I'll wait here in the hospital until I am allowed to speak with him."

Spock regarded Mitchell as he walked away. He contemplated the risks again and noted that a glimmer of the friend Jim had so admired did indeed remain. Lucy had changed since Bria'lel entered Jim's life. Although his daughter had finally smiled, more was needed to help the autistic child. The captain's family was in danger. With that in mind, the odds continuously tipped towards trusting Mitchell.

Mitchell should speak with Jim.

That is, as long as Jim promised not to harm his friend in his rage.


	17. Chapter 17

Author's Note: Again, thank you for the reviews, favs, and follows. DLB48- thank you for the wonderful beta help!

* * *

Uhura sighed as her conversation with Spock ended. Bria'lel looked at her expectantly.

"Bria'lel, our plans have changed."

"We have to enter separately, don't we?"

"Yes," Uhura said. "First, I will meet Spock at the front entrance, with Lucy. An hour later, Dr. McCoy will escort you through the hospital."

"Why?"

"I do not know and Spock did not inform me," Uhura said, frowning. "However, he did say you must continue to be referred to as Bria'lel."

"I figured as much," Bria'lel said quietly. "I'm so used to my new life now, I don't mind. It's for Lucy's sake, as well."

Uhura looked at Lucy, who had calmed down from her mother's emotional outburst. Bria'lel gave her daughter the Kelvin mobile piece. Lucy held it in one hand and looked at it curiously.

"Did Spock mention to you that Captain Mitchell is aware Jim asked for Dr. Lester's research?"

"Mitchell?" A foreboding crept into Uhura's thoughts. "He did not."

Mitchell was Jim's friend.

Or had been at one point.

Mitchell could detect the transfer to a PADD if he had access to classified information independently. Uhura wondered how much he knew- and worse, what he would do with that information.

To have access, it meant...what?

"He's always been a friend to Jim. I can only hope he still is," Bria'lel winced. "I cannot believe he would betray Jim. I do not want to believe he would do such a thing."

Uhura almost commed Spock. She hated to be left in the dark.

They grew quiet as the transport was about to arrive at Starfleet General. Uhura tried to reconcile Bria'lel with the person she once knew. The woman was clearly different. The differences clouded Uhura's rational thinking, even though she knew Bria'lel's true identity.

This woman was timid at times, even a little fearful. She had vast knowledge of the medical field. She spoke Ikaaran effortlessly.

She also cared enough about her husband and daughter to overcome her anxiety.

She saved Jim's life, even though he'd threatened her. She instinctively knew what Lucy needed and was not afraid to offer to remain with her as Jim proceeded with his surgery.

Uhura decided that Bria'lel truly was as brave as Carol had been.

"Do you remember much else of your former life, Bria'lel, besides your marriage to Jim?"

"Almost all of it," Bria'lel sighed. "Except for my previous weaponry knowledge, which has diminished ever since the switch. Some events prior to being on the Enterprise are a little hazy."

"I'm sorry."

"I remember the most important things, Nyota. For that, I am grateful."

"But something is different about you."

Bria'lel nodded, turning slightly away from Uhura. It was there again- her timidness.

"I can't believe Jim still loves me, Nyota. I'm afraid of my own shadow. I can't even sleep without a light on." Uhura choked up at Bria'lel's brokenness. "This woman somehow became a part of me. We're entangled, our personalities. Before she died, she could see my own memories of Jim. I told her to think about them if they helped her."

"Dr. Lester's experiment was not entirely successful."

"No," Bria'lel said. After a few seconds, she haltingly explained. "At times, I am incapable of responding as Carol would. Some of what was left behind in this woman became part of who I am. Yesterday, Jim practically had to drag me onto the Ferris wheel..."

Uhura waited. Bria'lel quieted again, and could not finish.

"What happened," Uhura prodded gently.

"I got sick."

"You...got sick?"

"I'm afraid of heights now."

"Oh," Uhura did not expect that. She frowned. "Oh...you were on the Ferris wheel and had to..."

Bria'lel blushed.

"What did Jim do? I swear, if he didn't go all out gallant on you, I'll-"

"Nyota, he took off his sweater for me to use," Bria'lel interrupted. "I was frightened and ill. He wrapped his arms around me."

"That sounds like love to me," Uhura grinned. "He did that not even knowing who you were. I've no doubt you inched your way back into his heart by being yourself, this mix of two people, Bria'lel."

"I am afraid of seeing him." Bria'lel did not return Uhura's enthusiasm. "What he'll do. If he's truly angry at me for keeping this from him, for not telling him sooner. What he'll say-"

"Bria'lel," Uhura spoke her name firmly.

Bria'lel sighed. It was an enormous, tragic sigh.

"Did Jim sound angry?"

Bria'lel shook her head.

"Did he tell you he loved you?"

"Yes."

"Jim Kirk does not throw his love around easily."

"That's what I'm afraid of. He'll spend more time with me, understand I'm not the same woman. See all that I'm terrified..."

"He's not the same man, Bria'lel."

Bria'lel's breath hitched.

"Did you see his beard?" Uhura commented on Jim's own changes. "His fingers tempered from playing the guitar so much? The fatherly love as he dotes on Lucy?"

"He's become even more distinguished. I've...become less of who I was."

"Please let him be the judge of that, for Lucy's sake."

"You pose a good argument with that logic, Nyota," Bria'lel's mouth curved into a smile.

"It's more than logic, Bria'lel. It's the truth." Uhura spoke firmly. "Jim loves you."

"This me has a lot of baggage." With those words, Bria'lel seemed to hide within that shell of hers again.

"You're trembling," Uhura observed. "What do you mean...baggage?"

Bria'lel's trembling increased even as she crossed her arms in front of her.

"Oh my God," Uhura whispered as a memory from yesterday reappeared. "That man really is your brother, or this woman's brother, isn't he?"

"Y..yes..he..i..is..." Bria'lel choked out.

"But you as only Carol did not recognize him," Uhura added, noting the difference. "So you could be truthful. I am so sorry."

"I feel sorry for him, not knowing, yet I could tell-"

"No," Uhura sharply said. "You cannot tell that man anything. At least not yet."

"I realize that, Nyota. It just seems cruel, me knowing and him going on like that."

"For the time being, he could very likely believe his own sister is alive. I do not think the woman exchanged her life for yours just so you would place your life in danger, even for her brother."

"Perhaps," Bria'lel twisted a strand of her dark hair. "Nyota, I've feared Jim seeing me like this, especially now that he knows the truth. I tried to sound so strong for him, and even before we left, I felt his love but now..."

"But now you are not alright."

"No," Bria'lel's eyes held resignation.

"He loves you, Bria'lel."

"I fear he will only end up loving Carol."

* * *

Uhura was uncomfortable leaving Bria'lel alone in the transport. She held Lucy and calmed the toddler's slight flailing of limbs with soft humming. The bag on her shoulder, she set forth for the entrance of the hospital with her usual elegantly swift stride. Spock waited for her, right near the doors. He was uptight. If Spock could not hide this emotion from her, Uhura realized the situation was more precarious than she originally had thought.

"You need to tell me what's going on," Uhura whispered as she reached him.

Spock growled at her. "Not now, Nyota."

She widened her eyes, unaccustomed to his behavior. Lucy's arms tightened around Uhura's neck as Uhura stiffened. Spock walked faster. Uhura could not keep up.

Uhura stopped walking and glared at Spock's back. It took her eight seconds to stop glaring at him and continue walking by herself.

It took only five seconds for someone else to take her by the elbow and lead her in the opposite direction.

"Lieutenant." She jumped as she heard Mitchell hiss in her ear, already pulling her along with him. "Come with me."

Uhura twisted her neck in an attempt to see Spock. Mitchell pulled her along harder.

"Stop," she protested.

"You have to go this way. Trust me."

Mitchell was mad. He was despicable. She could not believe he had forced her to follow him. She could not do anything about it. All her effort went into holding a wriggling child and not tripping over her own feet as they walked just as fast as Spock had but in the other direction.

"Why?" she hissed. "I don't trust you, so nothing you say will help. Don't bother lying. Or telling the truth. In fact, don't answer my question. Just let us go."

"I can't." Mitchell said tightly.

Uhura kicked him in the shin. It did nothing but make the madman even angrier. Then that made Uhura kick harder. He stopped his stride and whipped himself around to face her. He bent his head forward near her own, both of his hands now on either of her arms.

"That bastard is here, Uhura."

Uhura flinched as Mitchell's breath touched her cheek. He was ruthless as he held on to her.

"He can't see you with Lucy."

"Who?"

"Sloan."

"Why the hell is a man like Sloan walking around? He should be in prison!"

"You know the answer to that, Uhura," Mitchell's tone was flat. "Nothing is as it seems."

"That's why I don't trust you."

"You have to, for her sake." His eyes softened as he watched Lucy wriggle in Uhura's arms. "It would be better if you cooperate."

"Fine," she pushed out the words through her clenched teeth. "I swear, if you do anything to her, or..Jim..or...or..."

"You'll have to get in line behind Spock. He's first."

"If he's first in line, that means there is no line," Uhura spat.

"Agreed," Mitchell mumbled.

"Why is Sloan here?"

"He managed to follow me, although I was extremely cautious. I tried losing him here once I recognized him, failing until just now. Sloan and I have, what would you say, a skeptical relationship as fellow agents."

"And he's not following you now?" Uhura was shocked, now realizing Mitchell admitted to involvement in the very agency that had repeatedly harmed Jim. "At this very moment?"

"No, because Spock is dealing with him."

"Oh," Uhura said quietly. Was she that predictable that Spock knew she would stop in aggravation?

Was Mitchell trustworthy because Spock left her alone, knowing Mitchell would step in?

"Sloan has disguised himself well today. I did not realize he was here until a few minutes ago."

"What's Spock doing to get him away from here?"

"I do not know and I do not want to know."

Spock could very likely be beating the man to a inch of his life, as long as he had the upper-hand.

"It's going to make Sloan suspicious."

"Not necessarily. I do believe that Spock has the wherewithal to use the wisest of Vulcan scare tactics." Mitchell muttered. "Besides, Sloan has the best interests of himself at heart. He wants to live."

"I'm not convinced."

"Anywhere else, I'd say be afraid. Here, today? We have the advantage. He does not know your captain is here because your captain is too wary."

"Jim is pretty much a genius," Uhura whispered, thinking of Bria'lel.

"Lucky, too. A new lease on love?"

"Only if you don't betray them."

"He's my friend, Uhura. I don't know what else I can do to prove it." Mitchell said, now letting go of her arm. "We're here. His room is down this hall, third on the right. I have to get back down there, for now."

"By all means, please don't return."

"Uhura, I have to talk with your captain."

"His family means everything to him," she hissed. "And although Spock left me with you, I do not trust you. How could you be so careless? Jim wouldn't put your family in jeopardy."

"For that very reason, I will sacrifice my own livelihood for Jim's."

Uhura wished to believe Mitchell, but her heart held the fresh pain of learning the truth about Carol. She'd fight alongside Spock and McCoy to protect them.

"If you are his friend, you will stay away from him until your allegiance has been well-established. Do you have any idea what he's been through? Do you know what horrible suffering he's endured? The man and his family should not have to fight for their happiness after all they've been through."

"Indeed, they should not, Lieutenant. I grieve with him."

"Do you?" Uhura taunted. "How can you, as part of the agency which has caused him so much pain in the past?"

"It is my involvement with the agency that has enabled me to help him. Simply put, I have never ceased being Captain Kirk's friend." Mitchell quietly said. "His friendship means more than loyalty to an agency that has strived to ruin his life. I know I'm not worthy of his forgiveness but I will never stop trying to earn it."

Mitchell slouched with exhaustion and sadness. He no longer looked the part of a Section 31 agent.

He finally looked like Jim's friend.


	18. Chapter 18

Author's Note: I am not stringing you along...I promise! Soon, soon! There's a plan! Maybe this chapter, maybe not. ;) Hehe...anyways...hope you enjoy what's next. Thanks for the comments- I love reading the speculation, especially after the last chapter. Beta reader, DLB48- you're a miracle worker! I am always so appreciative of your help!

* * *

The surgery had gone perfectly. Jim was resting well. Nothing had gone awry.

Those facts alone made McCoy dread leaving Jim for even a few minutes. This good fortune could not last. Something was bound to happen...anything, anytime or all at once. It was necessary, however, for McCoy to accompany Bria'lel into the hospital. Her hour was up. Sloan had followed Mitchell, placing both agents in the building. Their very presence threatened Bria'lel's safety should Sloan recognize her. Therefore, Spock had said it was only logical for the doctor and his known medical assistant to walk through the door together.

The two agents apparently played cat-and-mouse like nobody else. Uhura was adamant they should not trust Mitchell, since he was responsible for Sloan's presence but now McCoy faltered in his previous thinking. It seemed that Mitchell promptly and almost effortlessly helped Jim by steering his daughter away from Sloan's sight.

Mitchell did not have to do that but he had. For Jim.

"Dr. McCoy, he's in good shape. Look at him, sleeping so wonderfully. Nothing is going to happen."

"Christine, you know as well as I do-"

"I will comm you the second I see any changes. Jim's fine. Now, go," Christine urged. "Do whatever it is Spock needs you to do."

Bring Christine's best friend right under her nose? It seemed cruel. Once Bria'lel arrived, Christine would see how she loved Jim, and vice versa. It wouldn't be surprising if Nurse Chapel eventually discovered Bria'lel's true identity on her own.

Before he walked out, he knelt in front of Lucy, who continued to sit unassumingly on Uhura's lap.

"Uhura, she hasn't made a fuss since you brought her in here."

"I can't believe it, myself," whispered Uhura. "She keeps watching Jim so attentively, but look at her...not a sign of any distress."

McCoy hoped it would stay that way, at least until Bria'lel got up here.

"Please be careful," Uhura worried. "Spock must still be occupying Sloan's time, or at least ensuring he left. He has not commed me."

"I haven't heard from him either. I'll be careful," McCoy took one last glance at the sleeping captain before he left.

Five minutes. That was all the time McCoy needed to be away from Jim.

Jim could survive five minutes. He'd survived eighteen months without him.

Once in the lobby, Captain Mitchell silently observed McCoy a few dozen feet away from the entrance. He was biding his time by drinking a hot beverage and reading his PADD. As relaxed as Mitchell looked, McCoy would not let down his guard.

Sloan could still be a viable threat. McCoy needed to get Bria'lel to safety before Sloan walked by.

McCoy searched for Bria'lel beside one of the transports he saw outside. She did not answer when he tried her comm. He hesitated right inside the entrance, still unable to see her. A hooded youth stepped out of one transport, an elderly couple from another but no Bria'lel.

Sighing, he moved to a different area, still searching. He hardly knew what to say to the woman he'd worked with side by side the past four months but he did know what not to say. Under no circumstances was McCoy allowed to tell Bria'lel of Sloan's sudden appearance. Given the personality change she'd undergone, she could have several reactions. None of them were good.

They could not risk it. McCoy would have to act casual.

McCoy acting casual was like sticking a fly on the outside of a warping ship and ordering it not to die.

He scowled. That was the best he could do.

McCoy took one step out of the hospital and then his comm beeped.

Steeling himself for the worst, McCoy cursed himself for leaving Jim. Five minutes was all he needed. Five minutes. Jim couldn't even handle-

It wasn't Christine. It was Spock. Sloan was leaving.

_Limping._

McCoy smirked a bit reading, hoping that wasn't the only injury Sloan was leaving with. McCoy turned his mouth down with a fierce scowl at what Spock wrote next.

_I do not expect Sloan to stay his course._ They had to get out of there- now.

McCoy was to prepare Jim for immediate transfer from Jim's room to the Enterprise. So great was the urgency that they had to abandon protocol and beam aboard without discharging him. Nurse Chapel, Bria'lel, Uhura, Lucy, and McCoy himself were all to accompany Jim in this unorthodox exit.

McCoy looked up from his comm, Bria'lel was still nowhere in sight. He did not know whether to feel relief or concern. On one hand, Sloan walking this way was the worst timing. On the other hand, McCoy's stomach sunk when he realized all transports had left. None of the people milling outside were Bria'lel.

Perhaps he had come downstairs too late.

"Dammit."

McCoy started back towards the entrance. He noticed that right behind him was the youth who could hardly see with that hood. Once inside, McCoy realized Mitchell no longer sat where he had before. With a little searching, he saw him, sequestered behind security. McCoy swallowed, not feeling as casual as he had a few minutes ago. Nowhere did he see an Ikaaran woman. He commed Uhura.

She had not heard from Bria'lel.

Neither had Spock, but he'd search outside as he was waiting to watch Sloan leave the premises.

Jim's wife was missing.

McCoy could not lose his best friend's wife but, indeed, he had done that very thing.

Although he felt much like his grumpy captain and wanted to throw his own comm in his frustration, McCoy preferred to keep his communicator intact and stuffed it into his pocket. He then had the sense someone watched him.

Sloan.

The agent more than limped. He literally half pulled, half dragged his left leg. Wearing nothing more than an honest expression, Sloan made his way towards McCoy.

McCoy barely refrained from acting upon his emotions. The idea of murdering the man who had caused so much strife for Jim in the past and could do so again in the future emboldened him. While he steeled himself against such thoughts and tried to "act casual," the youth he saw early rudely bumped into him. The figure shrugged and murmured an apology. McCoy scowled. The kid could hardly see where he was going and he smelled oddly like a girl.

"Doctor," Sloan rasped as he walked past.

McCoy slowly nodded, now aware of the additional damage Spock had inflicted upon Sloan. The red fingermarks along his neck, a slightly crippled hand, and perhaps a few broken ribs by the way the man breathed. Amazingly, the man walked out of the hospital relatively unnoticed. He was approached once by a concerned person and Sloan offered a confident smile, continuing in his exit.

Whatever course of action Spock had taken had seemingly worked. Yet, Spock did not believe he'd stay away. Sloan would not think that Spock and McCoy's presence was a coincidence.

McCoy's comm beeped again. It was not Christine, but Mitchell.

_Meet us in the lift._

McCoy growled. He could not do so, not without Bria'lel.

_She is with me._

His heart raced reading that Jim's wife was safe but stopped abruptly as he entered the lift. The only two people in the lift were Mitchell...and the hooded youth.

"Where is she, Mitchell?" McCoy thundered as the doors closed. He reached to open them.

"I'm here, Leonard," a soft voice came from Mitchell's companion.

The hood fell back, the hair escaped, and McCoy gaped at Bria'lel.

"How...when..."

"I told her about Sloan." Mitchell replied. "Thankfully, she had something on hand to help disguise herself."

"That was risky."

"It was better this way."

McCoy glared at Mitchell. "If something had gone wrong with your little plan-"

"It didn't. She came in, walked right past Sloan without ever revealing that she was your Ikaaran medical assistant. Figuring what we're dealing with, it seemed best to hide her identity completely...in plain view."

"You're messing around with us too much, Mitchell. Jim's going to have your sorry little-"

"Leonard, please." Bria'lel's quiet, tremulous voice stilled his rage.

"You all need to give her more credit than you have been," Mitchell snorted. "She didn't just agree to this you know. Now, not only do I have to worry about a mighty Vulcan ready to snap me in two, there is a medical assistant who knows where to find a strain of one of the deadliest diseases known to humans. Not only does she know where to find it, she knows how to disperse it into my system in the most torturous way if I so much as cross her husband."

McCoy stared at Bria'lel. She nervously twisting the strings to her hood.

"I could go ahead and list all the symptoms like she did for me, but I'm sure you would already know what they are, doctor."

"Are you alright?" McCoy ignored Mitchell. Bria'lel may have succeeded in her bravery, but the trembling she was experiencing was something McCoy had seen before.

"Yes," she whispered. "I need to see Jim and our daughter."

"Okay," McCoy answered quietly. "He's asleep and will be for a few hours more. Lucy has behaved quite well with Uhura."

The lift opened at their floor. McCoy glanced at Mitchell.

"You'll have to postpone your little talk with Jim. We're leaving."

"I figured I would have to wait," Mitchell said, "but not for too long. I'll remain here for some time after you've boarded the Enterprise until I can come aboard."

"Don't bother waiting."

"Thank you, Gary," Bria'lel said, sending a slight reprimanding look towards McCoy. Then, in her quiet way, she smiled at Mitchell and walked down the hall.

"You pushed the limit, Mitchell," McCoy seethed at Mitchell once he saw Bria'lel was out of earshot.

"It was a good thing I did, McCoy. Who knew that Sloan would be leaving at the same time she came in?"

Mitchell was correct, but McCoy could not contain his fury.

"I was supposed to walk in with her, Mitchell. You took a chance that she would be able to confidently- and by herself- walk past the very man who had him drugged, tortured, and almost killed her husband and could likely destroy their lives again! What the hell, Mitchell? She's not who she once was," McCoy rasped, hardly able to control his temper in such a public place.

"No," agreed Mitchell. "She's someone whom none of you have figured out yet. She hasn't figured herself out either. But like I said, you didn't give her enough credit."

"I changed my mind," McCoy muttered as he stepped out of the lift. "I'm sure Jim will want to see you later so he can explain why it was extremely foolish to ask his wife to pull such a stunt. I'm sure he won't use many words to explain, either, as Spock can demonstrate for you just how insane this was. Consider yourself warned."

"It saved their lives today, McCoy," Mitchell replied. "Jim will understand that most of all."

The lift doors closed.

McCoy glanced at the time on his communicator. Five minutes had turned into ten minutes. Jim's missing wife had not been missing at all. Jim had not had a crisis.

McCoy ran a hand through his hair, feeling as if he'd aged ten years, not ten minutes. Bria'lel stood outside of Jim's door, waiting for him.

Of course, she looked concerned, causing McCoy to remember the friendship they built. He'd treasured it and now realized their relationship had been based on a keen feeling of loss...for Jim.

"Leonard, I'm sorry," Bria'lel blinked back tears. She looked up at him as he came beside her.

"Don't be," he sighed. " Mitchell's right. If it had not been for that disguise, Sloan's suspicion would have been even greater."

"I was terrified."

The simple confession caused McCoy's heart to break. He hated to see the pain Jim and Bria'lel were experiencing. It would not be over anytime soon, either.

"I know you were. Jim will be proud of you."

"I don't know why he would be proud. I'm not the same woman, as you well know," Bria'lel sighed and shook her head. "I am not sure I could even disarm a torpedo anymore."

"You don't have to be able to disarm a torpedo, Bria'lel. You are much more than that. You are his wife, the mother of his daughter, and the woman he loves very much."

"I know you said Jim is sleeping, but I still can't go in."

"Yes, you can," McCoy said firmly. "You will go in this room because you know two people in there love you and need you. You will board the Enterprise with your family because you know that Jim loves you and you love him."

"How do you know he loves me? I can't be just Carol anymore, although I am trying to be. Does Jim realize that?" Bria'lel leaned against the wall, fear in her eyes. Her insecurity came out instinctively. The friendship they'd accrued the past several months came in handy as McCoy pondered the best way to encourage her.

"I watched the emotions on his face as he talked with you. He wore this goofy grin when you caught him not listening to me. He was content and happy as he called you Bria'lel." McCoy said with honest fervor. "I could hear the love he has for you when he said both your names. I believe that he said the name Carol only to inform Spock and me of your true identity. I have no doubt, Bria'lel, that my best friend will die of a broken heart if you refuse to give him a chance to continue to love you for who you are."


	19. Chapter 19

Author's Note: For all of you h/c fans, you'll like the next few chapters...although, this particular chapter is mostly on the "hurt" side. DLB48- you are an amazing beta reader. I can't say that enough. To the readers out there- thank you for following, faving, and reviewing!

* * *

_He took Carol. Then he took Lucy._

_All Jim could do was stand and stare at the shadowed man who wrenched his beloved family from his grasp. The shadow cast from the man was ominous, obscuring his features. He provoked Jim relentlessly. Jim foolishly believed it was Kodos at first._

_Kodos should be dead- he had to be dead- but Jim still trembled at that the vile executioner abducted his family._

_The shadow laughed cruelly. Jim's feet would not chase after his family. His daughter's small cries broke Jim's heart and his wife's sobs tore his soul._

_The man circled back. Jim still could not move. The man did not care and taunted him more._

_The shadow tortured Jim in other ways, in his mind and in his heart. Jim was the prey. That was when Jim knew the man was someone else, a predator from his past._

_"They'll never be safe again," the man said._

_Jim yelled for Carol. The man leered when Jim heard only silence. She was gone. Completely, utterly gone. Jim cried for Lucy, but he would never see her beautiful, tiny face again._

_The shadow had taken them._

_They'd never be safe. Not with him. Jim could never truly protect him. Jim would fail, as always. He could never save-_

"Jim, wake up. You need to wake up."

Jim groaned as the urgent voice washed over him.

"No, have to save them," he mumbled back. Darkness pulled at him again and with it the feeling of helplessness. He waved his arms as he saw the shadow, hitting whatever was in front of him. "No, you can't take them."

"Jim, stop it!" The voice said sharply. "They're here with you. Lucy and Bria'lel are safe."

_They were gone._

_Jim choked on his tears, realizing that even the shadowed man had disappeared. Jim could finally move but it was no use. He couldn't-_

"Jim, wake up."

Jim thrust his arm out again to fight but a stinging slap stunned him. His panic set in and his breathing quickened. He had to fight back, like he always did.

"Take it easy, buddy."

Weakening in his fight, Jim blinked at the lights above him. Lights...why were there lights?

Lights were overhead. His thoughts were fuzzy, but he was sure the hospital had no such lights. If he wasn't in the hospital...where was he? He did not remember getting here, wherever here was. His feelings of helplessness and panic increased with his confusion.

"Stop fighting, Jim. It's me- Bones."

The voice was familiar. Jim peered in the direction of the voice. He squinted against the light. He saw what he needed to see. It wasn't the shadow.

The shadow did not scowl.

"Bones?" Jim stopped fighting.

"Jim," Bones sighed. "You were in more distress than usual with this nightmare. I had to interrupt your sleep."

"My sleep?"

"It's been six hours since your surgery, Jim," explained Bones. "You must sleep longer, but your nightmare interrupted that."

"Nightmare?"

"Are you going to repeat everything I say?"

Jim's vision finally cleared along with muddiness in his head.

"Maybe," he mumbled. The lights bothered him but the hum of sickbay was calming. He closed his eyes.

Then opened them up again.

"We're on the Enterprise."

"Yes, genius." Bones muttered. "We have been for the past three and a half hours."

"Why are we on the Enterprise?

"Christine, is the medication ready?"

She scurried over and handed Bones a hypo.

"Bones?"

"Jim, I cannot discuss that with you right now. I'm worried about you. Be still." Bones spoke calmly as he methodically administered the hypo. "Can you think about seeing Lucy in a little bit? Please?"

"What's going on?" Jim narrowed his eyes at Bones.

"Your blood pressure keeps elevating, that's what. And that's dangerous right now considering the medication you're on." Bones worked furiously with his PADD. "Jim, I need you to be calm."

"Why won't you just answer the question?" Jim's body ached and he was tired, but he made his voice sound as commanding as he possibly could. He desperately needed some control of the situation.

"Because I think you need to talk with Lucy and Bria'lel first, Jim."

McCoy's refusal to answer his question only served to fuel Jim's frustration. Everything that he suppressed since Lucy's birth and Carol's death now came crashing down on him, creating such intense feelings he could no longer contain. He needed a target for his anger.

He aimed his anger directly towards what was closest.

"We're here on the Enterprise because it's safer. It's Mitchell, isn't it? Where is he? He's probably still on Earth...the coward," Jim growled.

Bones' swift glance at Christine told Jim exactly where Mitchell was.

"No? Then I'll find him here. What story did he tell you?" Somewhere deep down Jim knew that he wasn't being rational, but he still was unable to stop or care. All he knew was that someone had to pay the price for his threats to his family. "That bastard. I'm going to kill him."

"Captain!" Christine protested when Jim heaved himself out of bed, disconnecting himself from more than one IV. Bones grabbed his arm when the room spun.

"You can't do this right now, Jim." Bones hissed in his ear. "Think of your family. They need to see you. I cannot let them see you if you're in a rage. I know you're not really going to kill him but in this state you may hurt Mitchell. You're not thinking clearly."

"They'll not be safe until the threat is gone, Bones!" Jim raised his voice, desperate to be understood. "Now, give me my clothes or I'll get them myself. Either way, I'm going to find him."

"Dr. McCoy?" Christine stepped away from Jim. He didn't wait for Bones but went directly to where he thought his clothes would be.

"Sickbay to Bridge," McCoy sighed with resignation. "Spock, your presence is requested in sickbay immediately. And while you're at it, clear the corridors between sick bay and turbo lift 5. I have a feeling we'll be leaving soon."

"Nice, Bones. Get the Vulcan to stop me." Jim bit back a groan as he pulled on his pants and moved his arms to take off his gown. It took him longer than he had liked but finally, he was half-dressed.

"Are you ready to listen yet?" Bones crossed his arms.

"My boots, Nurse Chapel?"

"Christine, ignore whatever comes out of Captain Kirk's mouth," Bones said. "And do not get him his boots."

"Fine," Jim snapped. "I don't need to wear boots to be able to kill a man. Where's my shirt, Bones?"

"Don't give him that either."

He reached forward too late. Christine quickly snatched the shirt from Jim's grasp

"This is ridiculous, Jim. You know you're not well enough and you don't know what's going on." Bones held him up when the dizziness hit. "Be realistic and listen. I will tell you everything if you will see your family first."

"No. Mitchell's a threat." He jerked his arm from Bones.

"Jim, that's not what he is."

"So why don't you tell me what's going on?" Jim continued to walk out of sickbay. He doubled over at the door, clutching his chest.

"Dammit, Jim," Bones said. Jim leaned against him as the pain from surgery caused the room to spin again. "Because you're not listening to me even now and you'll react badly if you're not calmed down, that's why. Get your head on straight and get back in that bed where you belong. Do you want to see her or not?"

"I sure as hell want to see her but if no one is going to do anything about Mitchell then I guess I will have to do something." He glared at the floor, which was closer to him than he wanted it to be. He hated recovering from surgery as much as he hated feeling helpless.

"I knew I should've cuffed you to that bed," Bones scowled at Jim. "Listen, let's make a deal. We'll tell you what is going on if you get back in your damn bed."

"So you can cuff me?" Jim said sarcastically. With great effort, he stood up. "No thanks."

Surprisingly, Bones surrendered his hold on Jim. "Fine. Have it your way."

Jim started weaving out of sickbay and ran smack into Spock.

"Dammit," he rasped. Spock lifted that annoying eyebrow as Jim bent at the waist again. "You're in my way, Spock."

"Captain, you cannot walk when you are bent over. Nor should you roam the ship without a shirt or shoes on."

"Obviously no one will give them to me," Jim clutched at the doorway to and straightened his body. "Move, Spock."

"I will not, Jim."

"I want to talk with Mitchell."

"No, he wants to inflict bodily harm on Mitchell without even knowing what's going on," Bones muttered. "I suggested he get back in his bed and then we'll explain."

"Why don't you explain now and save me the trouble of getting back in my bed when I'll get out of it again anyways?"

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

"Because I don't want to lose my wife again, Bones!" Jim's voice rose in his anger.

"Again?" Christine covered her mouth in shock.

Jim had forgotten she was there.

"Shit," he whispered.

"Like I said, Nurse Chapel, ignore whatever comes out of Captain Kirk's mouth." Bones sighed. "Jim, will you please do us all a favor and return to your bed. You're in no condition to walk anywhere, let alone confront Mitchell. You're liable to collapse before you make it out of sickbay, let alone make it to the lift. I don't need a tricorder to know that your blood pressure skyrocketed."

"No." Jim said determinedly. He wiped his brow, feeling his body temperature rise. Bones was probably right but Jim wanted to be in control of something, considering he'd been brought, unconscious, aboard the very place he had tried for eighteen months to avoid. "Tell me right now or I will leave sickbay."

"Very well."

"Spock, I don't think we should give in-"

"Dr. McCoy, I do believe we will cause Jim more distress if we wait." Spock was unflappable even as Bones scowled his worst. "Jim, Captain Mitchell informed me that Section 31 was involved with Dr. Lester's research. Agent Sloan-"

"Wait. Did you just say...Sloan?" Jim paled at the name. All sense of rationale flew out of Jim's head as his panic rose to uncontrollable heights. Lucy and Carol were in danger again and it was all his fault. "Where the hell did he even come from? He's back with 31? What does he want-"

"Captain, let me explain." Spock interrupted gently. Jim reluctantly closed his mouth.

"Agent Sloan is aware of Dr. Lester's research and of her relationship to Carol. He has been watching you for the past two months."

"Watching me? Why? Does he know what happened?"

"Mitchell does not believe he does. I cannot confirm either way. However, Sloan's interest has piqued because he is aware of Carol's friendship with Dr. Lester. Jim, he also knows how you have harbored prejudice towards Ikaaran women. I do not know his intentions regarding her but I suspect it to be part of a larger, more dangerous cause."

Jim cringed hearing of his past prejudice. He hated himself for that. In his grief, he had thought and done inexcusable things. Carol told him that she didn't hold that against Jim, but she had to be upset with him. Jim had not behaved well towards her and others.

Mitchell's name repeated in his mind. Sloan's name was a repeating warning but the warning was too much to think about. Jim hit an insurmountable wall as he judged Sloan's objective. He didn't understand if it was his illness, the drugs coursing through his system, or pure rage- he could not decipher much of what he was told. Instead of dwelling on the bigger picture, Jim reverted back to what he could comprehend.

His supposed friend- Mitchell.

"Back up, Spock." Jim scrunched his face in concentration. "How does Mitchell even know this?"

"He admitted to being a Section 31 agent, Jim, as you suggested. Mitchell is also in charge of the information classified beyond what the admiral gave us."

In his state, he'd forgotten what he'd suggested at the hospital. Jim's mind swirled with the implications and it enraged him even more to think his friend had betrayed him like this.

"So," Jim hesitated. "Lester's research is in the file. The incident with Carol and the Ikaaran woman is in this file, correct?"

"Yes, with the exception of their names. It is the only known successful life source switch."

"Mitchell came specifically to the hospital to tell us." Jim rubbed his beard. "But he figured out what happened to Carol...when? He knew Sloan found my location...when?"

"He established a connection between Dr. Lester's experiment and Carol when she forged her records to board the Enterprise. He learned Sloan discovered where you were two months ago."

"Let me get this straight," Jim seethed. "He knew before today and he didn't tell me? The son of a bitch waited until I came out of the woodwork to drop by?"

"With the threat of Sloan, it seemed the best course of action."

"He could've found a way." Jim repeated his threat with a quietness he didn't feel. "Like I said, I'm going to kill him. With or without my shirt."

Stepping around Spock, Jim left sickbay and headed towards the lift. Christine rushed out and handed Jim his shirt. He stopped, surprised as she helped him put it on.

"I don't know everything that's going on, but I don't care for anyone that's hurt Carol." She stepped back as Spock and Bones came up to them.

"Jim, do not do this. Wait until you see your family first."

"Spock, I will see them, just as soon as I take care of Mitchell. Christine, can you get me my boots?" Jim called back down the hall. He knew he was acting foolishly, but he couldn't stop himself. Bones was right- his body had not recuperated from his surgery. Bones was right- he should see his family first. Jim felt miserable, he missed his wife and child, and his head pounded, but fear was his adrenaline. "I'll be in the lift."

"Jimmy, you're being unreasonable." Bones remained beside Jim, touching his shoulder carefully. "You haven't realized the danger you are all in let alone what you're doing now to yourself."

"You know I can't just lie there," Jim said. He stared ahead and entered the lift, ignoring his two friends, his fuzzy brain, and the discomfort growing in his chest. "I could have, maybe, up until you brought up the fact Mitchell knew and happened to throw in the name Sloan."

"For Bria'lel's sake, you must remain in sickbay. There are others who can help you."

"Don't use her against me, Spock." Jim ached to see his wife. He really didn't understand what he was doing, only that he felt an uncontrollable rage at the thought of his family mixed up with Section 31. It grew each second Spock and Bones waylaid him. "I know you think I'm being an idiot, but I can't rest if Mitchell-"

"Mitchell is helping you, Jim, even if you are being too much of a moron to see it." Bones got in his face. "Sloan is watching him as well."

"But Sloan didn't watch him when he came to make his little visit at the hospital?"

Neither his first officer or his chief medical officer responded. Jim leaned despairingly in the lift. His head sagged even more as he realized the answer to his last question on his own.

"He was there," Jim whispered.

Christine set his boots by his feet. He should put them on so he could inflict pain on that traitor but he leaned forward even more. His head was heavy and his chest hurt.

Jim's heart ripped open, pouring upon the lift floor. He finally realized that his family would never be the same again.

"While I slept, Sloan was there."

"He did not see either Lucy or Bria'lel, thanks to Captain Mitchell." Spock said quietly.

"You took care of them," he whispered. Although his vision blurred, his gaze never left the floor as he thought of what his friends had done for him.

"Yes, Jim, we did. We all did. Like Spock said, Mitchell made sure Sloan did not see either of them," Bones put his arm over Jim's shoulders. "Let's go back to sickbay."

Mitchell had not betrayed them. His long-time friend had stayed true, going out of his way to help Jim. Spock and Bones kept their promise and watched over his family. They would to continue to do so, still.

"He can't know who she is. Who knows what he wants with her. She can't stay here, can she?"

"Jim, we will find a way for your family to stay together," Spock said. "With Mitchell in charge of the file we could wisely manipulate it for our purposes."

He shook his head once, the effort caused blinding pain. He dug his fingers into his head, not able to think well above his discomfort and panic. Sloan already saw the contents of the file. Changing them could provoke him to even more suspicion. Jim could not see the good it would do.

"Bones, is it because of me? He'll be suspicious because of my past behavior. He'll be even more suspicious if he sees or knows that I love Bria'lel." Jim didn't understand why his eyes were wet. He felt empty. Drops fell from his face. He couldn't stop them. "We were so close, Spock. So close."

"Do not despair, Jim. The situation is not hopeless," Spock's soft words did not register with Jim. His world had crashed without Bria'lel and Lucy.

"Jimmy, it's time to go back." Bones nudged Jim to leave. He finally allowed Bones to lead him although his body felt strangely displaced. "This isn't good for you."

"Where will she go? Where will they go? Lucy can't be without her." Everything was being taken away from him again. His wife and daughter would have to hide because of him.

Everything was gone.

Jim had nothing. Darkness set in around him and he didn't care. He welcomed it because this was his fault- all of it.

He had nothing. He should have nothing. Jim had failed them.

The darkness fueled his desire to be alone, to hide in his agony. Jim broke away from Bones' hold. With agility he shouldn't have so soon after surgery, Jim raced back into the lift. The doors closed just as Spock reached them.

In an instant, everything he loved was gone. He entered a code to override the system. It was a code which still existed, one that Spock had not even known as captain.

No one could come in and Jim certainly would not come out.

Jim would remain in the lift, alone in his grief. He leaned against a wall, mindless of what might happen to him in his physical state. He slid down to the floor. He couldn't see. He couldn't feel. He couldn't fight.

Something was wrong with his body, but he didn't care. All he could do was embrace the hopelessness surrounding him with immeasurable weight.

He had lost not one but both of them this time.

Bones shouted for him to open the door. Jim still didn't care. Bones pounded on the door. Christine joined in with a desperate plea for him to come out. He heard Spock's commanding voice, but Jim could do nothing.

Everything was gone. He had nothing left. So he didn't fight.

It was no use. Losing her again made Jim want to die.


	20. Chapter 20

Author's Note: We're here. The moment you've all been waiting for?! Gulp. I hope this particular chapter lives up to all of your expectations. I'm nervous. ;) We still have a little ways to go yet with this story...yay! DLB48- thank you for the fantastic beta help. To all who are following, faving, and reviewing- I greatly appreciate it!

* * *

Spock did not inform Carol why her presence was required to come to the corridor outside sickbay. It was unnecessary for him to explain- she already knew the reason. Her husband was in trouble. She heard it in Spock's voice but she had felt in her gut even before she was summoned. After Uhura came to watch over a sleeping Lucy, Carol fled from her quarters. She wasted no time as she passed other crew members through the ship, ignoring numerous curious stares. Her thoughts were focused on her husband who needed her. Heart pounding, she approached sickbay.

"Jim, please, open the damn door!" McCoy begged Jim through the door, his face laden with concern. She neared the scene and saw that the doors remained stubbornly closed. They barred her from reaching Jim as effectively as the miles between them had done for the past two years.

What had Jim done? She briskly walked to the end of the corridor, her trepidation growing with each step.

"Jim has disabled the door and security footage," Spock said to her. "The ship's sensors reveal he is sitting on the floor, with his back against the wall. Dr. McCoy determined that Jim is in physical distress and needs medical attention."

"I have to get him back to sickbay, Bria'lel. He needs my help." McCoy rammed a frustrated hand through his hair.

"How long has he been in the lift by himself?"

"It has been twelve minutes," Spock said. "He refuses to answer our request to open the lift, despite Dr. McCoy's repeated attempts to warn him of his health."

Jim had shut down. He was in shock. Carol did not know if her husband would even listen to her or if he could even hear her in his current state.

"He won't open the doors until the rest of you are gone," McCoy jerked himself around at Mitchell's comment. The other man had approached them silently. McCoy scowled as the captain continued. "And he'll know if you are here to spring on him just by the way Bria'lel voices her question."

"Jim will open the damn door despite his shock and everything we told him if he hears you outside his door," McCoy answered darkly. Mitchell tensed at the implication.

"Then all of you should leave the corridor immediately," Carol whispered, staring at what prevented her from helping her husband. "I will speak truthfully. He needs at least that right now."

"Give him these medications, Bria'lel," sighed McCoy, handing her two hypos. "Whether he wants them or not. Neither one is a sedative, if he asks."

"The corridor and sickbay will be kept clear," Spock informed her. "If Jim does not open the door, we will be forced to use drastic measures to open it ourselves."

"I understand," she said.

"Please, knock some reason into him." McCoy pleaded. "He's not thinking clearly and he won't be able to until he's recuperated."

"We will remain in sickbay, awaiting your comm," Spock said. She nodded, already formulating a plan to draw Jim out.

When she stood alone in the corridor, Carol contemplated what possessed her husband to lock himself in the lift in his moment of shock. It was either anger or extreme loss. He was preventing himself from harming another or punishing himself the only way he knew how.

"James, will you open the door?" Carol used the speaker for the lift. In spite of her worry, her voice rang steady and clear. "I'd like to see you. The others have gone."

His silence broke her heart, filling it with even more pain than she could imagine.

"Lucy loves your ship. Sh..she looked wide-eyed at everything as we walked to my quarters," Carol blinked back tears. She must remain strong. "She had her moments of distress, Jim, but her fascination-"

"You should go."

Jim's tormented voice echoed down the corridor through the speaker.

"She's called for you repeatedly, saying your name."

"She has to leave with you," whispered Jim.

"We don't have to go anywhere just yet-"

"Yes, yes you do. Somewhere safe," Jim's voice cracked sadness. "Away from me. Away from all this."

"James, please op-"

"It'd be best if Spock takes you to New Vulcan. There, Lucy will be helped and you can be there with her, safe."

Her heart saddened at Jim's unvoiced thought. He believed himself incapable of protecting his family

"Wha..what?"

"It's the perfect place for the both you," Jim's desperation was clear as he already had sent them away in his mind.

"I'm not leaving," she said. "There has to be some way to work this out."

"Just, go," Jim rasped. "Please."

"Without seeing your daughter again?" Carol said in disbelief. Part of her was furious with her husband, for taking risks, and harboring rage. The other part of her understood he needed time to sort through this in his own way. She breathed in deeply before she spoke again. She'd be firm but gentle with his heart. "I don't think that is what you really mean to do, James."

Jim answered with silence.

"I don't think it's what you want to do."

Nothing changed. Jim's silence continued.

"Please, open the door." Carol implored brokenly. She tried to find a way to crack his stubbornness. "I need you Jim. I miss you."

She heard a fist slam the wall but Jim still didn't speak.

"Will you just open the door so I can see you?" She begged, crying openly.

The lift remained closed. Another silent moment passed by.

"James." Carol leaned her head against the speaker, knowing her cries would be heard and hoping Jim would understand he was not alone in his pain. "I thought I could be strong for you, but you're breaking my heart, James."

"Don't do this, Bria'lel," Jim said weakly. "I want you to be safe. I can't...You need to go where he can't find you..ever."

"I won't leave you like this, James."

"You...must," gasped Jim. "I can't...I just...can't..."

"Can't keep us safe? You have friends to help-"

"I just can't..Bria'lel...I..." Another pound echoed in her ear.

"Jim, can you hear me? Jim!"

At Jim's silence, Carol heart pounded with fear for his physical state. But then, another fear entered her heart.

"Is it that you can't see me? You don't want to be with me?" Her heart shattered as she implored him.

"No! Bria'lel, no," Jim shouted. "That's not it...no...I can't..."

"James, what can't you do?" She pleaded with her entire soul. "Please, tell me what you can't do!"

At her words, the lift door open, revealing Jim's tear-streaked face and anguished eyes as he stood before her. A command shirt hung limply over his thin torso. Carol took in his mussed hair, wrinkled pants, and bare feet. Her heart spilled over with her own sadness at the harsh and raw emotion on his face.

"I've endured torture, both physically and psychologically...I've been beaten and betrayed and whipped and killed...each several times over, Carol," he choked on his tears. His eyes filled with something akin to despair- but worse. She never wanted to see it reflected from them ever again. "...but I could not live...I will not live...I don't know how to live...with a broken heart for a second time."

His anguish stunned her speechless. It cut her to the quick, but she did not know how to help her husband. She took a hesitant step towards him, waiting for him to show her he wanted her closer.

"I can't lose you again." Utterly broken, Jim opened his arms.

"You're not going to lose me again, James," she whispered as she fell into his embrace.

Jim held her against his chest and showered her with his wrenching sobs. Moment after moment passed and even in their sadness, Carol cherished them all.

She finally was reunited with her husband. He was holding her. She loved him, and Jim still wanted her. Carol would not part with the agony of the moment if she could not have all of its happiness. The moment, all of it, she would embrace just as she embraced him- wholly, wonderfully, hopefully.

"I am going to lose you. Not just one of you this time, but both of you, you and Lucy. You can't stay here. You and Luce have to leave," Jim found his voice and continued in his despair. He crushed her then, holding her with great strength despite just having surgery. "The situation is too precarious, even here on the Enterprise. If he finds out who you are, he'll destroy you, he'll destroy our family."

"You're right that the situation is precarious, James." His head dipped down in his fatigue, causing his wet face to touch her own. She gathered her courage to share her hope. "But we can manage. I've been here for four months, Jim, establishing a facade on my own. I can continue to do so. Sloan has known your location for two months. You've had no interaction with anyone on the Enterprise up until now, not even with me as a medical assistant. He will only be suspicious if we reveal our feelings for one another outside this ship before we establish a new relationship for our purposes of staying together."

"Or on the ship, Bria'lel. It's too dangerous. It won't be enough." Jim broke away from the embrace, looking at her as if not really seeing her.

Carol then saw how dazed he truly was and was reminded of McCoy's instructions. Jim was hurting and his emotional distress magnified his pain and exhaustion. He sank to the floor, slumped over as he sat, and kneaded his head with his fingers.

"You're Ikaaran. There are no faces attached to the names of Lester's Ikaaran assistants in the file, in any file. He'll be suspicious. It's only logical."

"Does your head hurt, James?"

He dug into his skull even more and nodded.

"I'm going to give you two medications, okay?" Carol sat beside him and touched his shoulder. "Dr. McCoy's orders."

He tensed.

"Neither one is to sedate you. I won't administer them until you relax, James," she murmured. She stroked his hair, foolishly wishing that alone would free him from his relentless self-inflicted suffering. His tension relaxed subtly and then more as she slipped into Ikaaran speech, telling him that she loved him. "James, I'm here now. I love you. I love you so much."

Carol administered the hypos and settled herself beside Jim. He leaned his head on her shoulder after clasping both her hands in his own. Her hands were even tinier now, nestled between his. He held them warmly and tightly, uncaring how different they were compared to his.

"I have so many questions to ask you, but I can't even begin to ask you until I know you and Lucy will be safe from him, from 31."

"We don't have to talk about anything, James, except for what's happening now," she whispered.

"I love you. I missed you so...very...very...much," Jim gasped, as another round of cries began, leaning into her even more as she took her turn holding him. "I held you, blood pouring out of you, and our child, crying...in that room..."

She didn't speak to him. He didn't need that. Jim needed her, so Carol held him even as she was wrapped in her own pain and she waited a few more moments until he was ready.

"I called for you," Jim groaned. "I called your name. You were gone before I stepped in that room."

"I heard you call my name, Jim, but even as there were five women who helped me, one was determined to keep me away. I could not return."

"I shouldn't have let you go," he whispered, his body shuddering in his attempt to cease his weeping.

Carol wasn't sure when he stopped, but after he did, Jim sat up and wiped her cheeks with shaking fingers. His touch was tender, and so very missed. She did not know how she survived the past two years without him and she herself did not know how she could go on if distance would part them once more.

"I'm so, so sorry. I can never forgive my-"

"Don't say that. Please," His words struck her in the center of her soul. "I made the decision to accompany them. Dr. Lester chose to do what she did. I'm so, so sorry. The Ikaaran woman pushed Dr. Lester out of the way and took her place so she wouldn't have a chance to be with you. We were switched, and then the woman died. I would have died giving birth, just like she had. James, you tried your hardest to get to me. It wasn't your fault, none of this is. Please, don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault."

Jim stared at her, back in his dazed state.

"You were dead."

"It looked like I was, but I'm not anymore," Carol whispered. His expression was numb, as if he didn't believe she sat beside him. "James?"

His face was blank. Carol touched his beard and smiled, trying to draw him back out.

"You look very distinguished."

A few seconds passed, and then Jim responded with a slight nod and tilted his head at her.

"I got lazy, that's all," he whispered. "And then kept it, for Lucy."

Expression becoming curious, Jim traced her Ikaaran ridges with his fingers. Carol blinked, fearful that he would now not want her after inspecting her so closely.

"You look beautiful, as you always have." He smiled. It was so brief, so small, she thought she'd imagined it. It vanished. But he had smiled. Then, with the slow, practiced care as he'd done in their marriage, his face drifted closer to her and he pressed his lips to her forehead and her Ikaaran ridges, down her face, and then onto her lips. It was a sweet kiss, almost tentative on his part and so unlike the one they'd shared on the steps at the farmhouse. Even so, she felt his love with even more depth.

Carol could have kissed him for as long as they had the lift all to themselves, but he stopped abruptly. Jim grimaced and held an arm to his chest. He shied his graying face away from her.

"Oh, no. Jim, you can't hide your illness from me." She looked at him warily, noting his flushed cheeks were not just a result of his emotions. She placed a hand on his forehead. "You're burning up."

Jim put his other arm over his chest, shaking with the effort.

"James," she said firmly. "Tell me how you're feeling."

"Head. Chest," was all the reply Jim managed as he placed his head between his knees.

"I will comm Dr. McCoy now," Carol frowned. "James, I have to tell you...it's Mitchell."

"What about him?" He mumbled through his pain.

"He was here outside the lift. He's with McCoy and Spock now."

Jim tensed again, and she sighed. "Jim, please don't do anything you'd regret. Can you promise me that you'll behave?"

"Am I that predictable?" His mumblings were weaker but his shaking was stronger. There was only apathy behind his words and her worry increased for his well-being. Carol didn't answer him but lifted her comm and sent the message. It was time to take him to sickbay.

Within seconds, McCoy, Spock, and Mitchell reached the lift. McCoy checked Jim with the tricorder, sending a worried look at Carol when he realized Jim's elevated temperature.

"His head and chest hurts him, Leonard," she said softly. "An infection?"

McCoy sighed and nodded. Spock and Mitchell lifted Jim off the lift floor. He hung between them as his arms were supported along their shoulders.

"Bria'lel, the cat's out of the bag with Christine," McCoy muttered to Carol. "I'm sorry. Please come to sickbay with Jim. He needs you."

"I will." Carol looked at Jim. He barely lifted his head to see her. His profuse discomfort was apparent to her when she saw his eyes succumbing to that dazed look once again, not to mention that he'd allowed Mitchell's assistance. Nonetheless, Jim made the effort despite his pain as he was helped out of the lift. "I love you, James."

His lips curved into another smile but this time it did not vanish so quickly.

"I love you, Bria'lel."

Carol remained behind in the lift, allowing Jim's words to wash over her sweetly and slowly. How could she ever doubt his love for her? The words, he had whispered them in Ikaaran. Pondering this, she felt a small part of her former self returning- confidence. With lighter steps, she caught up to Jim and the others. She passed them by and entered sickbay on her own. Christine waited by Jim's bed, and blinked in surprise upon seeing Carol.

"Nurse Chapel, it seems that I shall be joining you as we assist in the care of Captain Kirk." Carol looked warmly at her friend.

"Beware, Bria'lel," Christine whispered mischievously. "He has a reputation amongst nurses and medical assistants, not to mention the bridge crew."

"I am well aware of that fact," Carol could not resist giving a soft smile.

"That you are," said Christine, returning a golden smile of her own.


	21. Chapter 21

Author's Note: I have truly enjoyed reading the reviews I've received for this story. I think you're romantics at heart, much like myself. ;) We have five more chapters after this one. I have really enjoyed writing about Jim & Carol/Bria'lel. I am on the last chapter and I'm a little let down that I have to actually finish this fic. I admit that I do not want to finish it! LOL. I would love to keep it going. Alas, it must be finished but I will leave the door wide open for another story about Jim & Carol/Bria'lel in the future.

If any of you are musicians and/or music fans, here is a little tidbit you may appreciate. If you're not into music, skip this paragraph. :) I am quite fond of music, as I am a pianist and vocalist in my "spare" time. Thus, music inspired a bit of my writing but I tried to ease it in quiet-like and not overdo any of it. I wrote the second chapter, inspired by the song, "The Story," which popped up on my folk music station one day. It was written by Phil Hanseroth, but I think most famously sung by Brandi Carlile. It is the song I imagined to be playing as Jim entered the bar and joined in with the band. The words struck me to be true for him in Return to Riverside. The electric guitar really does begin with verse 2. ;) The lullaby that Jim plays/sings for Lucy is a sweet, folksy guitar-centered song called Morningbird, words and music by Forest Sun. I absolutely love its beautiful simplicity. If you have to choose between the two songs, listen to Morningbird. It's too, too sweet.

Many, many thanks to DLB48 for her continued support and encouragement as well as her amazing beta reading skills! To my readers- thanks for faving, following, and reviewing.

And now, the chapter some of you may have seen coming...or not...hehe...

* * *

Jim shifted his shoulders slightly after awakening, struggling to alleviate his discomfort as he lay flat on his back.

Something about the way his mind flittered from one thing to the next seemed odd to Jim, preventing him from pinpointing the importance of his location in sickbay. Disoriented, he attempted a few breaths and focused on the ceiling to clear his thoughts. Silently, Jim repeated his name and rank more than a dozen times over until his thoughts finally made some sense.

He'd had surgery. Bones brought him aboard the Enterprise. Something happened which caused an infection. He'd been given a painkiller, amongst other things, and then a sedative. His head and chest screamed in protest even as he remained still going over these thoughts.

A few minutes passed until, unfortunately, he also recalled what happened after he left sickbay.

To put it simply, he'd flipped out. He'd behaved badly- again. Once more, it had not been one of his greatest moments. Jim's rage climaxed and transformed into something far, far worse. He never wanted to experience those feelings ever again.

Carol...Bria'lel...had bravely come for him, drawing him out gently. He'd shut his friends out. He tried to shut his own wife out. Jim succeeded until her cries drifted into the lift. He'd hurt her as he isolated himself away from the world, determine to suffer his pain alone. Her insecurity shattered him and he could no longer refuse her. He'd opened the lift.

His wife needed assured that he loved who she had become. Carol or Bria'lel was unimportant to him. The only thing that mattered was that she was alive. Bria'lel's voice struck him in the heart when she asked if he still wanted to be with him. Jim had been so disappointed in himself for hurting her as he handled his own devastated feelings in his own way.

Jim wanted to be with her- more than ever. Nothing- not even a different body or difference in personality- would ever change that.

Sighing deeply, Jim looked around for his wife but was met with curtains all around. They closed him just as the lift had done. He fought back the all-too-familiar panic of before. Their situation was dire. Jim rebelled against the information flooding his mind. Sloan- arriving at the hospital and threatening his family's safety while he was quite unconscious. Mitchell- helping his family and not harming them. The memories aggravated his panic even more.

"Lucy," he gasped. His heart ached at he thought of his daughter and what the future held for Lucy and his wife. The next thing he knew, he heard groaning- his own he discovered- and Bria'lel's voice. He'd blacked out, but for how long he wasn't sure.

"Captain, you're going to feel better in a few seconds," Bria'lel's brightly informed him with a tone Jim suspected she would use for every patient. A sense of loss filled him. Needing to see her, he tried to find her from his place on the bed and couldn't.

"Where...?" he asked, fearful she'd left without letting him see her.

"I'm right here, Captain," she said, taking his hand. His gaze drifted to the form beside him. She was beautiful, even when she was worried. "You're fighting an infection. It is causing the severe pain you're experiencing and the probable confusion you are facing. Do you remember Dr. McCoy explaining that to you? I've temporarily increased the pain medication for the time being. It may continue your confusion, Captain."

"Vaguely," Jim sighed, feeling the effects of the drug already. "Thank you."

He looked into her stunning, now-brown eyes, wondering if they were alone. The curtains were still drawn. He did not hear much activity outside their small, protected space.

"Soon," she whispered, knowing immediately his unspoken question. She cleared her throat and spoke louder. "Did the pain diminish any yet?"

"Some," he tried to smile but it came out as a grimace. "Did I cause this infection in my stupidity?"

"Captain Kirk, your actions sped up its arrival, but no, it wasn't your fault." She squeezed his hand and dropped it when the curtain was opened and a nurse Jim did not know entered. "I'll be back in a few moments, Captain, after your blood has been drawn."

Jim wanted to plead to her not to leave but she remained stoic in her expression- and left.

Hopelessness struck him in the gut again. He could not do this- play up a facade for any length of time. Two years he'd not had her. Two years he'd been a widower. Two years, his daughter did not have her mother.

He could not go on like that knowing his wife was alive and on the same ship.

His _wife_ was _alive_ and she was _on_ _his ship_.

Jim bit his lip, torquing his face as tears threatened to fall again. He fought to contain his emotions.

"Captain, I'm finished."

He nodded to the nurse as she left, still hardly aware of anything other than Bria'lel on the other side of the room. He could see his wife through the opened curtains now, flitting from one thing to another, talking with Bones, and then taking a seat. She worked efficiently like she had in the science lab. She was even tinier now in this body. He'd noticed that when he held her close on the Ferris wheel. When he had held her hands in his, noting how small she was compared to him. She was just as pleasing to the eye as before- she was gorgeous. Her shoulder length hair was tied back today, accentuating her slender neck.

She intrigued him even more.

Jim's heart pounded in his chest, thinking of her warm, full lips as they kissed. He wanted to kiss the Ikaaran ridges on her face one at a time and as soon as he could- those were a mystery, one he wanted so much to unravel. Face warming, he swallowed as his desire challenged his sanity. He had to look away from her before he went crazy- or someone noticed.

Two years- it had been too long.

Closing his eyes, he hoped she'd come back like she said she would. Maybe she would grasp his hand again behind the curtains. His heart beat erratically as he pondered all of the risks they would have to take. A machine began to beep with the change, beckoning someone to check on him. Jim sighed with relief. Bria'lel would return soon.

Bria'lel- she had to leave this week, with their daughter. Today Jim would contact Ambassador Spock with his additional request. The risks were too great to continue life together on the ship with circumstances remaining what they were. Jim's decision was final, no matter what Spock and Mitchell would try to convince him to do otherwise.

"Jim?"

His eyes fluttered open. They strayed from his wife's eyes down to her lips. He should kiss her again. Her lips were full, and they'd be so warm...

"James," she said dryly.

"Hmm?" He jerked his gaze back up. Bria'lel was frowning at him, clearly irritated. He couldn't help but smirk that she had caught him staring at her mouth. "What?"

"You're a scoundrel," she whispered, leaning towards him as she sat beside the bed. "We have a little time to be alone and then Spock and Captain Mitchell would like to talk with you. Dr. McCoy wisely directed-"

Jim did not let his wife finish.

For two years, he'd longed to have one more chance to kiss his wife. For two years, he had dreamt of her every day. With their future so uncertain, Jim would not pass up any chance of any type of physical intimacy- even a chaste kiss.

He reached his arm around her neck and pulled her face gently to his own before either of them could think twice.

* * *

Mitchell sat comfortably and alone on the Enterprise. Spock agreed to give Mitchell his own quarters after he'd asked the acting captain if he could remain on the Enterprise for another day.

In truth, he'd needed the privacy, not the bed.

Mitchell had not always been good at deceiving people. Ironically, it took learning of his friend's incident with Agent Sloan six years ago to show him he was capable of lying. Lying freed him from feeling guilty. Lying gave him power to manipulate. He became so proficient at deception that the job with Section 31 fell into his lap, with an offer he couldn't refuse from the powers that be.

Instead of feeling elated at his stroke of good fortune, Mitchell suffered even more guilt. Before he knew it, he'd fallen too far and was in too deep to see any way out or any way his soul could be redeemed from the deeds he committed- the gray, the black, or the evil ones until Dr. Lester's file was up for grabs. He took it, and more good fortune followed him.

Mitchell would kill two birds with one stone. He'd demonstrate loyalty to Section 31 all while saving his friend, Jim Kirk, and his family from immense suffering.

Within the hour, he would manage to save his own hide and that of his accomplice. He was committing yet another black deed. It wasn't terribly evil. In fact, it would save Jim's family from being torn apart for the second time.

An alert came from his comm. Mitchell smiled when he saw the caller's identity.

"So, you're in?" Mitchell got straight to the point.

"Gladly. Besides, you got me out of prison."

That hadn't been hard for Mitchell to do. He'd risen in the ranks among Section 31 and called upon a favor.

"Are you on schedule?"

"I'm going to get us ahead," Mitchell replied. "Today."

"I thought waiting until New Vulcan would be awfully cruel to him."

"Yes, but there are worse things then waiting until the end of the week." Like having a dead family.

"True," the other man sighed. "Mitchell, he'll hate you for this."

"His family's safety is worth more to me than a continuing friendship." It grieved Mitchell to do something so blatantly against Jim's code of ethics, but he could not let his friend continue in his anguish. He'd left the Enterprise for a few hours after witnessing a small portion of Jim's meltdown and helping Jim to sickbay. Mitchell returned to the Enterprise after setting his plan in motion.

"You're right, it will pretty much end your friendship," the man agreed. "Especially with what else you plan to do."

"Insurance, Memphis, for the both of us. It's necessary," Mitchell said firmly. "That aside, it's the only way to make sure Jim and his family are safe and that I alone can continue to ensure their safety."

"It will tear him up," Memphis softly answered. "I saw what my actions did to him."

"He'll get over it," Mitchell snorted, "just like he forgave you."

"I don't know. This is a little different, I think."

"Perhaps, but my conscience will be clear, nonetheless."

"That, I understand. I don't mind being the scapegoat. I owe Jim."

"Don't we all," Mitchell sighed. "Listen, I have to go. I'm meeting Spock and Jim in sickbay. Good luck. Comm me when the deed is done."

"You're sure about this, then, Mitchell? This seems extreme- both things you've planned."

"Completely."

"I should wish you good luck, I guess," Memphis said quietly. "I can't believe what you're going to do to Ji-"

"Memphis. Enough."

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"Get it done. Then comm me."

Mitchell cut the connection, now honestly a bit unnerved. Memphis, for all his sordid past, had a soft heart. It reminded him of his own moldable heart. Mitchell cursed his weakness. He couldn't get cold feet now. It was today- or never. The perfect opportunity was now- or never. He needed insurance to keep his good friend and his family alive and well, no matter how much it hurt Jim.

Mitchell left his quarters. As he walked, he steeled himself for the inevitable, immense betrayal he would see reflected from Jim's eyes.


	22. Chapter 22

Author's Note: I can't thank you all enough for the encouraging comments. I hope you enjoy the twists and turns in the next few chapters, as well as the hurt/comfort and romance. Yes, we do have plenty of sweet, romantic moments still to come. Maybe, eventually, perhaps...a final chapter chock full of them, but you'll learn more about that perhaps, eventually, maybe... So why spoil it now?! ;) Beta reader, DLB48- thank you, as always!

* * *

Although two years had passed since Jim last saw Gary Mitchell, their friendship began much earlier- back in their Academy days. Nine years of friendship and Jim was certain as the day he was born that Mitchell was nervous.

Jim stared unflinchingly at Mitchell while Spock continued the conversation. Something wasn't right with Gary, but he couldn't pinpoint what it was. Gary was far too relaxed but he hardly glanced at Jim. His left hand had twitched at one particular moment when Jim spoke of Bria'lel. Either it was a coincidental tick or his friend was anxious and desperately trying not to show it.

"Captain Mitchell, how much time do you estimate you require in order to complete the file alterations?"

"By the end of the week, Commander." Mitchell stated, unfolding his legs and leaning forward. "Are you certain, Jim, that you agree with what Spock and I propose?"

Jim glanced at Spock, who gave a slight nod. It was inscrutable but he understood.

"I am, although I am uncertain it is enough. I cannot keep either of them on the Enterprise for any duration of time, just long enough to take them safely to a place where their lives will be in good hands."

"Jim, eventually they-"

"You don't know that, Gary," Jim's heart pounded. "There are too many variables, the most unpredictable one being Sloan."

"Altering the file this way will pacify Sloan's profound suspicion. Substituting false names and misleading facial images will work, and I have the security access to hide the trail. Now, due to Spock's assistance, I'm prepared with a logical explanation."

"Captain, the accompanying holos of staged wreckage will increase the probability Sloan and anyone reading the file will deem the investigation null," said Spock.

"Bria'lel established her life as a medical assistant on the Enterprise for the past four months, veiling any connection to you and your return as captain," Mitchell said evenly. "It is more reasonable to believe that she would have found you and revealed her identity to you instead of remaining on the Enterprise."

"I think you better thank her slightly altered personality for that," Bones commented.

Mitchell had a point. So did Spock and Bones. Jim remained unconvinced.

"Unless he's gone for good, nothing will keep them safe. All I see is the overwhelming possibility that what we do provokes even more suspicion. I don't know how my family can ever remain together."

"Don't do this to yourself, Jim, please," Bones pleaded. "You're not well enough to handle the stress if you think this way."

"We will continue to take this one step at a time," Mitchell countered slowly. "You know how to reach me."

"Why are you doing this, Gary? You are taking a huge risk, yourself."

Jim could not hold back his curiosity but Mitchell looked perturbed at his question.

"You're my friend, Jim. I cannot sit back and allow injustice to occur in your life again."

"The risk you're taking?" Jim attempted to lean forward from his pillow. He ignored the dizziness that hit him. "It could be your life, Gary."

"If it's within my power to help you, I will." Mitchell got to his feet, but not before Jim noticed one more twitch in his hand. "Captain Kirk, you've risked your life for mine countless of times. I cannot sit back and do nothing to help you at this time."

"I do not want you to risk your life."

"You can't make that decision for me, Jim."

His answer frustrated Jim. That feeling deepened as he considered he was not well enough to do anything but gain counsel from his friend, doctor, and first officer. The infection would clear- eventually. Bones could do nothing more to speed his recovery. Meanwhile, his pain was managed by more medication than he cared to admit to receiving. He winced involuntarily. Bones came directly to his IVs.

"Stop moving around." Bones ordered with a scowl. Jim slunk back in his pillow.

"Bones, when are you going to let me stay in my quarters?"

"Not until this nasty stuff is gone, including the fever that is hanging on. I'm sorry," Bones sighed. "It could be several more days."

"I need to see my daughter," Jim rubbed his beard tiredly. "Without this problem in the way."

"Pain level?"

"I'm fine," Jim dispassionately responded. He fought back a yawn but it was noticed by Bones, who scowled even more. Exhaustion overwhelmed his ability to comprehend questions. He'd lasted longer than he expected.

"That bad?"

He avoided Bones' stare, not wanting to answer or add to his concern. The focus should be finding the solution to end the threat on Jim's family and not on his physical state, although the doctor's concern was warranted.

"Am I going to have to ask your wife to come down to drag the truth from you?" Bones muttered.

"Can't do that. Luce needs her," Jim sighed. "Spock, Bones, can you give us a few minutes?"

"Your surgery was less than a day ago and now you have a complication. You need to rest."

"Bones, I understand but I need a few minutes to speak with Gary."

"Captain, I do not think you should be left alone."

"Spock, I'm not alone. I'm with Captain Mitchell. Ten, fifteen minutes- that's all we need. I promise- I will have Gary get both of you if I'm feeling any differently."

"We will return precisely in ten minutes, Captain," said Spock, looking stiffly at Mitchell.

Jim heard the silent warning he sent Mitchell. After Spock and Bones left, Mitchell returned to his seat. Taking a deep breath, Jim opted to be straightforward.

"Gary, what's going on?"

"I don't take your meaning."

Jim cupped his chin and frowned.

"You're twitchy."

"I'm anxious to get this done for you, that's all." Mitchell shook his head.

"You've hardly looked at me." Jim leaned forward with difficulty. "Gary..."

Mitchell stood up and turned his back to Jim. He pulled something from his pocket and fastened it to the vial containing Jim's IV fluids.

"What are you doing?" Jim's confusion set in. He watched, transfixed, as Mitchell continued to work. "Gary?"

Blood dispersed slowly into the IV fluid. It broke Jim's daze.

"What the hell, Mitchell?" His friend remained silent. He tugged at the IV line entering his hand, sliding himself half off the bed in the process.

He responded too late.

Mitchell swiftly turned back around. He felt a sharp pinch in his neck followed by a strange sensation coursing through his body. Jim's strength failed him, dwindling with each second. He could not push Mitchell away as his body was centered back on the bed.

"Gar-" His mouth wouldn't form his friend's name. He could not form any word. His mouth felt disconnected from his body. Everything felt disconnected. An odd feeling of weakness replaced the pain he felt in his body. Questions screamed in his mind but Jim couldn't form the words to ask Mitchell.

"I'm so sorry, Jim," Mitchell said softly, his grieving expression did nothing to stop the growing dread Jim felt. "I'm not going to hurt you. The drug I gave you serves several purposes. It weakens your muscles and targets specific nerves. As you've already discovered, you are unable to speak. You can move a little even if you can't sense that you can, but I would not advise it. Without the usual coordination and strength, you'd end up on the floor and in worse shape than you are in now. I'd rather not resort to using the other drug I have with me. You won't like that one bit and neither will Dr. McCoy. I promise I won't hurt you as long as you cooperate."

Thinking of Bria'lel and Lucy, Jim forced himself to remain still. He could not afford to let his condition degenerate any further. He could no longer sense where his arms and legs were. Fear gnawed at his mind, as he could not understand what his friend was doing. He stared at Mitchell in his confusion.

Mitchell, who had just sent unknown blood into his system. Mitchell, who had given him an unknown drug. Mitchell, whose eyes held immeasurable guilt.

His friend had, indeed, betrayed him.

Jim blinked, slowly and with great difficulty, so heavy were his eyes. Wary of Mitchell's warning, he again resisted the urge to try to move. The rise and fall of his chest had slowed. The drug had already rendered him severely compromised.

"Jim, stay calm. You'll make it worse if you don't." Mitchell's voice had a hard edge as he located the straps on the biobed.

Jim could only watch as his limp arms were secured. His friend's actions were troubling and abnormal. Thoughts of Bria'lel and Lucy swirled in his mind. Thoughts of yet another threat to his family. In his panic, he couldn't catch his breath.

"Breathe, Jimmy." Mitchell brought over an oxygen mask and fitted it over his face. "This will help, but you can't panic."

He breathed into the mask, glaring at Mitchell and hating that he was forced to lie silent and still.

"The drug will last a few hours, but that is all it will do. I'll comm McCoy and tell him his presence is required immediately in sickbay as soon as I leave." Mitchell ceased speaking and sat down with a heavy sigh.

Jim looked up behind Mitchell. The blood continued to slowly filter down the vial and through his IV. He was terrified, thinking that Mitchell had done something else to compromise his health and recuperation now that his family needed him more than ever. His mind raced and the panic washed over him again. He thought he was gasping for air, but he couldn't feel his lips move.

"I didn't sabotage your breathing. I only slowed it down. Stay calm, Jimmy." Mitchell steadied the mask over Jim's face. "You're only going to make it worse."

He breathed deeply but his confusion lingered. He did not understand how his friend could talk so calmly and yet infuse blood into his IV. Mitchell's deception crushed Jim as he lay unable to fight back.

"The blood I've inserted into your IV line will speed up your recuperation. It will overcome the drug's effects in a few hours and rid your body of infection and pain. It's synthesized from your own blood that Sloan took." Mitchell's eyes fluctuated between sadness and a hardened glint- something Jim had never seen from him before. "You'll be healed by the end of the day. I promise. In fact, you'll be good as new for many, many months ahead."

Jim's worry increased, knowing his friend had altered his blood. Mitchell's expression was now encumbered with resignation. He feared the explanation that was sure to follow.

"I had to do this, for insurance." Mitchell glanced back up at the now empty blood vial. He took out more vials and proceeded to draw blood from Jim's unfeeling arm. Jim breathed harder into his mask.

"I know you must feel betrayed, Jim, and I'm sorry for that."

His body grew even more detached. Mitchell's voice was distant and the heaviness of his eyes too great. They closed. He was desperate for Bones and Spock to return, desperate for someone to tell him his friend had not deceived them all.

Jim fought against the darkness that was pulling him away. He heard Mitchell beside him, efficiently drawing samples of Jim's blood. His blood had been altered first by the blood of Khan and then by the actions of Sloan and now, Mitchell. He didn't understand why Mitchell needed his blood. He was producing his own. Nonetheless, his friend's actions showed Jim it would continue to be used for 31's purposes in some -possibly horrific- way.

It meant Mitchell's loyalty was to the agency and not to his friend. Another piece of Jim's heart broke, thinking of the danger his family would be in, even now.

"Sloan will be dead before the sun sets, Jimmy," Mitchell said with a ragged breath.

The statement shocked Jim. His heartbeat thudded in his ears. His eyes were leaden but he forced them back open. He did not want Mitchell to stoop so low. As much as Jim himself ached for revenge, he'd not act in the same fashion.

He never imagined his longtime friend would resort to murder.

"I know you'll hate me for this, but I could not live with myself knowing I could do something to keep your family where it needs to be- here on the Enterprise." Mitchell's hands shook as he placed the samples in his pocket. "Completely safe and together. It's the only way, and you know it."

Mitchell had signed his soul away for Jim's sake.

Jim wordlessly pleaded for Gary to change his mind. He'd forgive him. They could work this out. He begged his friend to see that this was not the answer. Mitchell ignored the multitude of unspoken requests and continued.

"I know what you're thinking. You want me to change my mind," Mitchell sighed. "I can't, Jim. For reasons I cannot share with you, your blood is now worth more to 31 than Sloan's life. It's not in you to do the very thing that will release you from your agony and that's why I chose to do this for you. Actually, someone you know very well is taking care of Sloan. Now that he's out of prison."

Jim's sluggish mind did not comprehend Mitchell's words at first. He thought for a moment, blinking heavily as he considered who that might mean. He seethed as he came to the conclusion that Memphis, who was so close to being rehabilitated, had been roped into this. His rage grew when he realized Mitchell needed his blood to remain in good standing with the agency.

He glared at Mitchell as the betrayal sunk in.

"You do realize, Jim, that while you are feeling an acute sense of betrayal, I will continue to keep your family safe." Mitchell stood and lifted his comm, hesitating. "I am still your friend. I need your blood to continue my control of that file. Our ways may be different now, but I will not betray your family to the agency. You've done too much for me. For Memphis, too."

Mitchell regarded Jim solemnly. The hardness remained in his friend's eyes.

Jim was angry, but it wasn't too late. He'd not give up on Mitchell, even now. He tried moving his arms against the straps. The mental task was exhausting. He looked down and saw his arms hadn't budged at all.

"It's no use, Jimmy." Mitchell's sadness flickered on his face as Jim's own knew no end.

They watched each other in silence. The loss of Mitchell's friendship hurt Jim deeply, no matter what Mitchell professed.

Mitchell truly did see himself as his friend and he was helping Jim the best he knew how. However, Jim now realized how badly Mitchell was tied to 31. He was in too deep. Jim was at fault for much of it. His involvement with Khan swept Gary into the organization while Jim's death and subsequent rebirth solidified the relationship. Much of it was his fault because he failed to protect his own family.

"I'm so sorry I had to this, Jimmy. It was the only way. I hope you can forgive me someday."

Jim pleaded with Mitchell. He filled his eyes with as much emotion as he could, hoping Mitchell could sense his willingness to forgive even now, if he stopped.

Mitchell closed his eyes with a shake of his head. "I can't, Jim. It's done."

He refused to believe his friend's deception. Jim continued his wordless begging, silently pleading with Mitchell to stop before the other captain vanished from the Enterprise. Mitchell was making a grievous mistake. His plan involved committing a heinous deed that had swept up another person, all on behalf of Jim and his family. His stomach churned thinking of the sacrifice Mitchell made, but he still held on to hope his friend would alter his course.

"I'm ready." Mitchell spoke into his comm.

Mitchell's eyes glistened with regret at the last second but he continued to beam from the Enterprise.

Jim stared at the empty spot where his friend once stood in sickbay. He had nothing left to feel but Mitchell's devastating betrayal. It weighed heavily on Jim, leaving him completely numb and threatening to drag him back into a state of utter despair once again.


	23. Chapter 23

Author's Note: This is officially a "bonus chapter." We actually STILL have five more to go after this! All you hurt/comfort folks...this one's for you! DLB48...a million thanks for all the beta assistance!

* * *

_Betrayal._

The word echoed in Jim's mind as he breathed into his mask, trying to remain conscious until Bones returned to sickbay. He and Spock would be there soon. The unauthorized transport would be detected. Mitchell said he would tell McCoy to come immediately to sickbay, but whether or not he would, Jim could only speculate.

With those thoughts in mind, it took all of his effort to keep his leaden eyes aware and focused on the spot where Mitchell once stood. His body wouldn't cooperate. Jim attempted again to move his legs and then his arms, but he could not even tell where they were. Even if his strength returned, the straps Mitchell secured over his wrists would prevent him from grabbing his comm requesting help. Nothing budged.

It was draining, exhausting, and hopeless, increasing with his attempts to move. He couldn't simultaneously keep breathing and keep his eyes open. Time lulled, the seconds passing as minutes to him. Darkness crept into his vision at the exact time he heard the voices of those who would never betray him.

"Dammit, Jim. Where's Mitchell?"

"He has left the Enterprise," Spock's voice was clipped and directly to Jim's left.

As much as Jim wanted to open his eyes and tell them what happened, he was simply unable to do anything else but breathe. He breathed harder into the mask, or as much as his body would let him. Mitchell had slowed him down, way down. Now that Mitchell had left, the drug's effects had worsened. He almost felt...dead.

"Jimmy, can you open your eyes for me? I know you're awake by the way you are breathing into this mask. What the hell did Mitchell do to you?"

"Jim, please try to open your eyes for us."

He struggled in vain. He couldn't.

"Jim, buddy...please."

He tried again but failed as he heard a sequence of sounds from a tricorder.

"Mitchell drugged him," Bones' voice was harsh, condemning Jim's friend with those three words. "I've seen this before. It causes muscle weakness, nerve blockage... Jim can't talk, he can hardly feel at thing, his movement is extremely limited- it's as close as you can come to paralysis. The symptoms last for days at the minimum dosage. That bastard."

Mitchell told Jim hours, but Bones said days. Anxiety overcame him as he thought of Bria'lel and Lucy, needing him while he could not do a single thing- again. He heard gasping and then a raw, choking.

"Stay with me, Jim. I'm going to give you something to help the breathing."

Within seconds, Jim felt a tugging on his neck. It was a strange, distant force. The gasping and choking sounds ceased. He dragged one eye partially open, then another, and finally saw them through slitted eyes. Bones' hands were a blur over him. He breathed into the mask, evenly and slowly as before, all while watching the two who stood before him.

Bones was worried. Jim recognized his friend's expression immediately. Spock's normally expressionless face betrayed the depths of his fear. They had yet to see the IV stand. Jim's eyes traveled up to the vial Mitchell had attached and then returned to watch Spock and Bones, who immediately grabbed the vial in dismay.

"Doctor?"

"Blood," Bones frowned at Jim. "Mitchell infused blood to his IV."

"This is most disturbing."

"I can't do more for him until I analyze Jim's blood, considering our captain is incapable of speaking for himself."

Jim's eyes fluttered shut as they talked. He was so tired, his eyes so heavy. They'd seen the empty vial. He could not fight against the fatigue from surgery and infection nor the effects of the drug Mitchell had given him.

Mitchell...all those years of friendship. Jim grieved for his friend and the choice he'd made.

"Dammit. I knew he wasn't to be trusted."

Jim hadn't known. While his instinct was to not trust the captain, Jim had foolishly believed in their friendship and enlisted his help.

Mitchell had fooled him- completely.

"Doctor, if I may, I do believe I can be of assistance."

"Oh, no. I don't know if Jim is even in a state where he can handle that."

Jim understood immediately what Spock was proposing. He widened his eyes in one last effort and looked at Spock, hoping he could see the agreement to proceed with the meld.

"It seems that the captain is willing."

"Jim," Bones hesitated even when Jim pleaded with his eyes. "I don't think it's the best idea."

Jim blinked at him, then looked at Spock, and back to Bones. He pleaded. He had tell them.

"Fine," Bones growled. "Spock, I will remove Jim's mask, but you have to make it short. He needs that oxygen."

"Very well."

Jim gladly shut his eyes once more while Spock's fingers found the appropriate points. Spock gently broke through, merging their minds. Their thoughts became one. Spock took great care to seek only the experiences Jim was willing to share.

Spock saw the scene as Jim had experienced it, and Jim calmed as he sensed his presence. Spock observed Mitchell as he remained silent and proceeded to infuse blood through the IV. He saw Jim's panicked attempt to pull out the IV. He sensed Jim's helplessness and fear with the pinch of the hypospray, the spreading paralysis, and lack of feeling. He heard Mitchell's explanation for his actions but felt Jim's devastation at his betrayal and the inclusion of Memphis into the captain's plan. He saw Mitchell's grieving but hardened expression. He felt the agony of seeing a friend make a sacrifice to keep Jim's family together.

Other scenes flashed before them both. Jim couldn't stop them from coming and he didn't want to stop. It brought to the surface the things he could feel as he lay in sickbay so unfeeling in his physical body. Spock understood, and allowed Jim's memories to linger, coming and going at a rapid pace.

Jim's agony the past two years, and the very moment he saw Carol at Lester's facility. Lucy, at her worst and best. Jim's cruel words to Bria'lel but his shame at what he'd done. Jim, struggling to reconcile his feelings for Bria'lel while mourning his wife. Bria'lel, frightened on the Ferris wheel but also healing something in Jim's broken heart. Jim's anger and sadness for the past and present and his hope for the future overwhelmed them both before Spock could break the connection.

As Spock broke the meld with great care, Jim's mind reeled and sent him further away. His eyes remained closed and exhaustion took over. He sunk deeper into the pit, wanting to ignore the warbling voices around him and the emotions crashing in on him.

"Spock?" Bones' voice was unusually wary and distant. Spock did not answer. "What did you see?

Jim hoped the darkness would settle upon him before Spock replied. He could not bear to think of Gary's actions- or those of Memphis- any longer. He drifted, but not soon enough.

"Captain Mitchell has taken action with the intent of ensuring the safety of Jim's entire family. In doing so, he has violated the trust of a friend," Spock's voice was halting and filled with sadness. The commander drew a ragged breath. Jim felt sorrow for having agreed to the meld, however helpful it was to them. "I am truly sorry, Jim."

* * *

"I hate to do this to Jim, but I have to wake him up," McCoy muttered as he adjusted Jim's nasal cannula. Jim's bed remained inclined. "I need to know if the drug's effects are waning. I don't trust Mitchell."

"Neither do I," Carol replied.

Neither should they trust the captain after his deception towards them all, but most especially to Jim. She could not fathom the acute pain Jim experienced as Mitchell did this to him nor could she formulate the words she would need to appropriately comfort her husband when the time came to do so.

She brushed Jim's hair back. It was longer than ever. With that, his beard, and now the raggedness from surgery, infection, and a drugging, Jim hardly resembled the man she fell in love with.

"He's slept for only forty-five minutes and I suspect he will not be happy to be woken up. Be forewarned, he may not remember much of what happened with Mitchell, either," McCoy said as he went to the IV panel.

McCoy's prediction was correct. Jim glared at the doctor once he was awakened and even more when he caught a glimpse of the straps which remained securing his arms.

"Steady, Jimmy," McCoy sat down beside Jim, PADD in hand. "I have to keep those straps on you so you don't fall off your bed."

Jim blinked furiously and redirected his glare towards Carol. She was at a loss of how to handle his anger, so direct at her. McCoy's eyebrow went up as Jim's vehemence continued. Carol steeled herself to her husband's emotion and decided to use her professionalism to help him.

"I'm sorry, James. It's for your safety. You don't have the muscle control you're used to. While your voluntary muscle control is limited, you've had involuntary spasms."

His lips moved ever so slightly into a grimace. He glanced down at his arms again and back at her, his expression now desperate. It broke her heart to refuse him, but she could not let him fall.

"No," she said firmly. "I'm sorry, but no."

Jim closed his eyes and ever so slightly turned his head away from her.

"Stubborn fool," she muttered as she gently brushed his hair again. "One of the million reasons I love you."

Her touch, or her presence and voice, relaxed him so she continued to stroke his head.

"Keep doing that," McCoy said as he continued to check Jim's vitals. "His heart rate is improving, blood pressure, too."

"I did see your arm just move. It strained against the strap, James. That's good. You moved your head a bit, too. That's even better. Next, you'll be pulling me over to you for a kiss."

She smiled at him sweetly. He rolled his eyes in return.

"Jim, time to run a check. Look at Bria'lel for a moment." McCoy now stood at the base of the bed. Jim obeyed and Carol ran her finger down his cheek, keeping his attention on her while McCoy prepared to examine Jim's feeling in his feet and legs. "Blink twice if you can feel anything in your legs, Jim."

McCoy pricked his foot and Jim did nothing.

"Again." The result was the same on the other side, leaving Carol apprehensive about Mitchell's honesty. As calmly as she could, she glanced at McCoy, who shook his head. "Let's try something different, Jim. You can look now. Try to move your right leg."

They waited as Jim looked at his own legs with determination. His expression turned grim when he failed to move his leg as McCoy had asked. Carol's stomach churned when he looked bleakly up at the ceiling.

"Okay, try the left," McCoy said gently.

Jim blinked quickly then looked down at his legs again. His brow furrowed in concentration. Five seconds passed and then another five seconds. Carol schooled her features and looked at him encouragingly. He barely glanced her way. Instead, his face torqued with intensity while he watched his legs.

"We can try again in another forty-five minutes." McCoy began to cover the end of the bed with the blanket. He stopped when Jim's leg moved ever so slightly. He cocked an eye at Jim, who had something resembling a smirk on his face. "Showing me you know better than the doctor, Jimmy? Good, if you are. Do you remember what happened?"

Jim stared blankly at Carol and then at an unknown spot past her.

"It's okay," whispered Carol. She kept a hand on his forehead. It was warm from his infection. "Jim? Are you in any discomfort?"

He blinked slowly and dragged his eyes back to hers. He worked his mouth, trying to form a word. She gently touched his mouth with her fingertips.

"Shhh. It's okay, James. It may take a while to speak, but you're moving your lips. It's a good sign." She smiled at him as his eyes became distant. She would try to keep him with her, untainted by his own anxiety. "James, focus on me. Are you experiencing any pain? Blink once for yes, two for no."

He answered with two blinks.

"Good." She didn't wish to ask him anything else, but they must. "Do you remember what Mitchell did to you?"

He gave his head a subtle shake and his eyes showed no acknowledgment of remembering.

"Jim...Gary. He was here with you." She spoke slowly, trying again. "Talking, with you alone..."

He gave another subtle shake of his head and averted his eyes.

"That's fine, Jim." Carol tried once more, seeing his internal struggle. "He was here, wanting to help you but he drugged you and injected blood into your system."

It took a few seconds, but Jim's expression turned stormy. He brought his gaze back to Carol. To Jim's credit, he stared directly at her while the pain of betrayal poured from his face.

"I'm so sorry, James." She bit her lip, wanting to take away the emotional pain her husband was experiencing. He blinked once at her, and she understood. "I'm here for you."

He sighed, although to Carol it sounded like a slow, almost torturous, exhale. Worriedly, she looked at McCoy.

"The damn drug," McCoy scowled. "It surely didn't help his breathing issue. We went directly from surgery to this. What the hell was Mitchell thinking? It was clearly not in Jim's best interest."

The question went unanswered. By the time she looked back at Jim, he was sound asleep. She tucked the blanket around his shoulders. It'd fallen down when he'd turned his head.

"Do you think Mitchell was truthful about the blood? The drug?"

"The blood is working incredibly fast. However, the drug is counteracting it, which is why Jim is, again, so fatigued. Bria'lel, so far things are improving. They are improving only a little, but improvement is improvement. I suspect the next time Jim awakens, things will be even better. The blood will overtake the drug- exponentially. To be honest, it's his emotional state I'm most worried about."

"He has to hate that Memphis was pulled into this."

"Spock did some digging after he saw some other things in the meld," McCoy heaved a sigh and sat down. "While Jim was hiding in Riverside the past eighteen months, he still managed to visit Memphis in prison. Jim set him up with a job following his release and with Memphis' permission, enrolled him in further rehabilitation. The two saw each other at least once a week. His release would've been in only two months."

"Mitchell just ruined that, didn't he?" Carol continued to watch Jim, carefully stroking his cheek or his arm as he slept through the conversation. "All that Jim did for Memphis, for them both, destroyed because Mitchell wanted to help him and keep us together."

"We both know Jim will forever blame himself for Memphis' sacrifice. It could affect him in ways we can't expect, even as he commands this ship, for one, but I'm certain Jim will overcome that with your help, Bria'lel."

"Leonard, he doesn't just need my support," she said, pointedly looking at him.

"Perhaps," McCoy nodded, a grin overcoming the scowl. "That would be something you'd say. As I told you before, Bria'lel, Jim needs you- more than ever."


	24. Chapter 24

Author's Note: Yay! I've been exceptionally excited to share this chapter! Many thanks for the continued reviews, favs, and follows. They are always encouraging to a writer! DLB48- thank you for sticking with me and offering your exceptional beta assistance.

* * *

Carol closely observed her husband as he hunched despondently on the edge of the biobed. Jim stared at his boot clad feet or at the PADD in his hand. He had changed his clothes and now wore the customary gold command shirt. He was ready to return to his quarters after his eighteen month hiatus. True to Mitchell's word, the effects of the drug lasted just over four hours. Thirteen hours after that, Dr. McCoy declared Captain Kirk completely healed from his infection as well as fully recuperated his surgery.

Jim, however, had not recovered from his friend's deception.

Since Jim regained his ability to speak, he'd not said more than a word or two at a time. He'd listened, but refrained from making eye contact. None of them, McCoy, Spock, or even Carol, could get him to respond normally. For the most part, Jim did nothing more than shrug, shake his head, and nod.

Carol slipped unnoticed beside him and stood patiently. Jim pulled up Lucy's picture on his PADD, tracing her face with his fingers. Observing his sensitivity to his daughter's face, Carol drew the curtains back around his bed. She took a seat next to him and nestled into his shoulder as he wrapped one arm around her. It was a sweet moment despite his extreme quietness.

He was able to return to his daughter, to his quarters- to them- but Jim kept his position on the edge of the bed, so drawn was he to Lucy's face.

"She's so beautiful, just like her mother." Jim's fingers traced Lucy's face slowly another time.

"You've been an amazing father to her," Carol's voice quivered at hearing Jim finally speak a clear, full sentence. She'd been more worried about him then she'd let on to Dr. McCoy. A vulnerability emanated from Jim.

"I think she's improved, with you back in her life but..."

"She still needs help," Carol finished for him. Discussing Lucy's difficulty wore her husband down. She was not immune to the pain that having an autistic child had caused him. "We won't part from you right away, James. I'm thankful Admiral Barnett is willing to work with you. Perhaps we can bring help for her here for awhile."

"Yes," Jim wiped at his eyes.

"James," Carol mourned for him. "She'll be alright. She has both of us now. We now have the information needed to help her."

"I know," he said simply. "I'll have Spock ask Lenore to come if she's willing."

"Thank you for taking such good care of our daughter, James. You sacrificed so much."

"It's all been worth it, Carol," Jim slipped, saying her true name.

She regarded him even closer. He was on edge even more than he had been a few hours ago.

"She reminded me so much of you." Jim offered a weak but tender smile. "She still does."

"Do you want to go up to your quarters?" She'd asked him the question earlier but he had merely shrugged.

"I..." Jim frowned.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jim set aside the PADD and grabbed his comm. He gazed sadly at it then gave it to Carol.

"Oh, Jim."

The message from Mitchell an hour prior confirmed Sloan's death. It explained Jim's inability to see his daughter while he still dealt with Mitchell's unexpected and deceitful way to aid their family.

"I'm so sorry," Carol surrounded him with her arms and as much love as possible. "I had hoped..."

Her voice trailed off in her own sadness.

"I know. I had, too," Jim said simply. "I should tell Spock before we go to my quarters, but..."

His face twisted with grief and Carol was at a loss once more. The hurt Mitchell had inflicted upon Jim ignited Carol's anger. The struggles her husband endured the past few days caused a frightening combination of emotion. This alone was enough.

"Here," Carol put her hand out. "I'll do it."

He nodded and gave her his comm. She forwarded the message to the commander. Jim relaxed only when she closed the comm.

"Do you want me to set up a time for the physical?" Carol gently questioned to steer the conversation away from Mitchell. She grasped his hand and he immediately squeezed her hand in response.

"In a couple of days?"

He hesitated and wiped his mouth with the back of his other hand.

"James?" She waited for a nod or shake of his head.

"That's fine, or sooner," he rasped.

She looked at him curiously. He finally raised his eyes to her, revealing his vulnerability even more.

"She doesn't have to hide," Jim's voice cracked with emotion. He reiterated what they already knew but Carol did not interrupt. "You don't have to hide, except for your identity."

"No, James, we don't."

Mitchell's allegiance was twisted, but they could rest on the truth that he did wish to protect Jim's family.

"Why did he do this?" Jim's whisper was rough, more from emotion than disuse, and his eyes torn as he searched Carol's face for an answer. "I don't understand."

Carol herself could not completely comprehend the intricacies of Mitchell's decision other than the fact he was going to protect them, indefinitely. The other thing she understood was his clear betrayal in the process.

He'd stabbed Jim in the back knowing full well that what he did devastated his friend.

"He believes himself to be your friend and acted to protect you even though it caused you pain."

"It isn't right, Carol," Jim pleaded with her as if she could turn back time and change Mitchell's mind. "Gary stooped too low, taking Memphis with him."

"He did go too far, James," Carol cupped his face with her palm. "But it was his decision alone, and Memphis made his choice, as well."

"I don't know if I can really trust he will keep his word and protect the file," Jim admitted.

"I think he will, considering what he took from you."

Jim's gaze drifted away from Carol, jaw clenched and eyes hard. His silence lasted only a moment.

"I'd like to see my brother tomorrow."

The abrupt change in conversation startled Carol as much as Jim's tremulous smile.

"With my wife and daughter."

"Okay." Carol said, unafraid and feeling more like her former self than ever. Jim stood and pulled her into a wonderfully, soft embrace.

"Will you escort me to my quarters, Bria'lel? I may be in need of a medical assistant to help me shave off my beard." Jim whispered into her ear.

"You want to shave off your beard? Why?" Carol touched it with reverence. She'd miss it.

"It served a purpose, one that is no longer necessary." He then pressed his lips to her ear and down her neck. The trail of kisses left her lightheaded. "I can't wait to see our daughter, together. I can't wait to be with you, alone."

He kissed her more, this time on the lips. It was possessive and strong on Jim's part and it took her away. Indeed, they lost track of time.

"James," she managed between his kisses. "Don't...you think...we should...mmmm."

"Nope," he whispered.

"We...should...go."

"No..don't stop..." Jim breathed. "Bones...doesn't mind."

"The hell I don't."

Jim jumped at McCoy's inconvenient interruption. Carol blushed as she realized the doctor had crashed their moment on purpose in an attempt to get Jim to move along kindly. She appreciated that. Jim needed a push. Carol suspected her husband was also apprehensive about returning to his quarters, fearful of awakening the memories of caring for their child there alone for six months.

Her husband considered McCoy with a slightly irritated expression.

"Is there a problem, doctor?"

"You've done enough flirting in my sickbay. Time to shove off, Jimmy," McCoy lifted an eyebrow.

"Word's going to get around you're up to your old tricks, Captain," grinned Christine as she joined them.

Carol's face warmed more. Jim looked only slightly guilty as he coughed into his hand.

"We were just leaving, anyways," Carol said, tugging Jim's other hand.

"It's about time," muttered McCoy. "Jim, you know Christine's right. Word is going to-"

"Let word get around," Jim interrupted cheerfully as he followed Carol. "I'm going to marry her again within a few weeks, anyways."

Carol gasped and twisted herself around.

"What did you just say?" She stared at Jim in disbelief. He wanted to marry her...again...still.

"I said, we're going to get married agai-"

"I know what you said...I just...I...don't..."

"Don't want to?" Jim cocked an eye. "Sorry to be the one to inform you, but you already are married to me, so if you don't want to get married again, we have a problem."

"No, it's just...I..." Carol stopped trying to explain that reestablishing their family with her new identity in that way was unexpected yet thrilling. She'd hardly thought of their next step, so focused as they were on Jim's well-being and their family's safety.

"Too soon?" Jim smirked. "I admit, two days in sickbay and making plans to walk down the aisle is a bit quick even for me."

Carol still gaped at Jim in her surprise- going through another wedding was necessary and altogether wonderful and pleasing to her heart.

"You should say yes, Bria'lel," whispered Christine. "It's perfectly normal to marry the same man again...while you're still married to him."

Carol wordlessly stared at her husband.

"You didn't answer me yet. I'm getting nervous." Jim frowned at her then at McCoy. "I must have really lost my touch."

"You simply shocked the daylights out of her, Jimmy. That's not how you propose to a girl."

"It is when you're already married to her," Carol finally answered.

"Does that mean..." Jim's eyes lit up in hope.

"Yes."

Jim beamed at her even more. Christine's smile was brilliant, sharing in their happiness.

"Tomorrow," she added.

It was Jim's turn to be taken off guard.

"To...to...tomo...tomor..?" He sputtered and stepped back, bumping into a biobed in the process. He reached to steady himself and a few instruments clattered to the floor. "Tomorrow?"

McCoy couldn't hide his amusement at Jim's priceless shock. Carol smiled at her husband mischievously.

"At your brother's."

"What should I tell..I mean..my brother? Oh my God," Jim grabbed Carol's arm. "He's going to think I went...the deep end...if...if...we show...up and you...I... married...tomorrow?"

"Let's discuss this once we're in your quarters," Carol whispered. McCoy and Christine held nothing back. They were intrigued by this turn of events but most especially by Jim's inability to communicate.

"But...tomorrow...he'll think...crazy...I'm..." Jim blurted out.

"James, it'll be okay."

"How...what...should I..." Jim looked at her in bewilderment.

"I never knew the captain could get himself all twisted up with his own words," Christine mused.

"When we first started dating? This happened often," sighed Carol.

"Fascinating." Spock entered sickbay, hands behind his back and watching Jim curiously. "The captain is, indeed, responding in the same fashion as he did during your original courtship."

"James, you can get Spock's opinion about whether or not to inform your brother of my identity. I do not mind either way." Carol took over and gave Jim steady answers- and something to do for a short while other than panicking. "Let me take care of the wedding planning, okay?"

"I don't...Sam...tomorrow?" Jim ran his hands through his hair in his continued confusion. Carol had pity on him.

"Commander, will you meet us in Jim's quarters in two hours? We will have Nyota bring Lucy back after her nap."

"Of course, Bria'lel," Spock said.

"James," she took Jim's hands and stared straight into his face. "All you need to do is to take care of Lucy and figure out if you want to tell Sam the truth. Can you do that?"

"Yes?" Jim's face relaxed as he watched her. "I think so?"

"You'll do great," she affirmed, kissing his cheek. She hooked her arm through his to lead him out. He followed, half-stumbling as he desperately looked back at McCoy and Spock.

"Don't look at me," McCoy said brightly. "You're the one who proposed."

"Captain, be assured Bria'lel appears to have everything under control," Spock commented.

"She does, doesn't she?" Jim paused as the doors open. He sighed with relief. "Good. Good. Bria'lel?"

"Yes, James?"

They walked out of sickbay by themselves, Jim relaxing with each step. In two hours Spock would join them in Jim's quarters. Until then, they would be alone. Carol tucked herself into his arm even more as she saw her's husband's stride became surer. As much harm as Mitchell had done, Jim's health was remarkable. His skin color had improved, his weakness and fatigue had vanished, and his energy had returned.

"Lucy. I will watch over Lucy, that's what I'll do," Jim stated.

Carol fought back a smile. How could her husband command a ship if he could not cope with this second wedding of theirs?

"That's a wonderful idea," she merely replied.

"What are we going to tell my crew?"

Again, Carol was quite amused. Jim seemed unaware of the handful of discrete looks they already received from passing crew members in the corridor, not to mention the salutes he was given.

"You were swept off your feet."

"I was," Jim agreed, smiling softly at her. "Maybe I met you before this weekend?"

"That would be wise."

"And...my daughter loves you?"

"It's a perfectly sound explanation," she whispered. "Now, stop talking about it. You do realize we are not alone."

"Oh." Jim looked at her sheepishly. "I forgot where we were."

"You better not do that too much."

"You just took me off guard."

"Like you did to me?" She smirked.

"I figured we would elope. You did this on purpose," he hissed, ignoring her question.

"What?"

Jim narrowed his eyes at her innocent reply.

"You know what. Even with months of preparation, you know how uncomfortable I was at our-"

"James!" She remembered how awkward he felt at their first wedding, but it wasn't the time nor place to discuss it.

"I forgot again." He grew quiet and unobservant.

"Yes, you did."

She withdrew her arm from his and stopped walking when they reached their destination. Jim continued to walk past his door.

"How are you going to command this ship if you can't find your own quarters?"

"What?" Jim turned, confused.

"James Tiberious Kirk." Carol's exasperated reply gained his attention. His realization was slow. Jim looked at her and sighed. Hands in his pockets, he walked the ten steps back.

"Bria'lel, I have no idea what's wrong with me." Jim admitted. "I can't think straight, ever since you said that we're getting married tomorrow."

"It's quite endearing."

"I'm an idiot."

"You're cute."

"Cute?" Jim rubbed his beard. "I thought you said I was distinguished."

"That too." She leaned up to kiss his cheek. "We have some time before Spock arrives and Uhura has Lucy- she's napping."

Jim's countenance changed immediately.

"Why didn't you say so before?" He grinned as he led them in.


	25. Chapter 25

Author's Note: I love happy endings...we're almost there. Only a few more chapters remaining. Anything left unresolved (ahem...and there will be!) in the next three chapters will definitely pop up in another story. Thanks so much for reading! DLB48- THANK YOU for the beta assistance!

* * *

"Our two hours are almost up." Jim squinted at himself in the mirror. Carol had missed doing this for him. No matter the available technology, he was tied to the old-fashioned way of shaving, saying it did the job better. "I could hardly remember what I looked like underneath that hair."

"We'll get more time soon, James," Carol's eyes followed his cheeks and jawline. Her heart skipped a beat at the now exposed bare skin. "I haven't seen this face in two years. It reminds me of when we first met."

"Carol." Jim's eyes bespoke the haunting horror of that day. They both avoided mentioning that tragic day whenever possible. They had discussed it long ago and made peace with what they could.

"When we first met, I saw your genuine concern for my well being. I heard it in your words when you wished to prevent me from seeing my father harmed." She smiled in spite of herself. "Weeks later, you revealed more of your true self with the few visits I made in the hospital. I doubt you'll remember."

"I remember," Jim grimaced. "I wasn't getting around well. I was...out of sorts. How many times did I make a fool of myself?"

"That's not how I saw it." Carol gently reminded him. They'd had similar conversations before. "You were coming to terms with what happened to you and to Pike, and with the rest. I had my own difficulty, but I could not ignore the fact the man who had sacrificed himself to save the Enterprise and crew, including me, was in Starfleet General indefinitely for his recuperation."

"I do believe I was barely cordial once or twice."

"I caught you off guard several times." Carol wished she'd been closer to Jim at that time, for many reasons. The main being that his depression was as clear as day to her for awhile.

"I was already whipped, and then a beautiful woman walked into my room. What did you think would happen? I was a goner," Jim gazed at her adoringly. "And too chicken to ask you out even then."

"You managed, eventually." She smiled at their reminiscing. Her husband's eyes roamed over her lips. Carol lifted her toes in anticipation, wanting a sweet kiss even as their daughter watched from her spot on the floor.

"I've missed you so much," he murmured. His lips brushed hers. "Bria'lel, I'm so sorry for what I said to you at the bar."

"I know." It wasn't the first apology from Jim, but the fifth.

"I was an a-" Jim remembered Lucy's presence at the right moment. He scowled. "You know."

"Stop doing this to yourself, James." A tear refused to submit despite her efforts to contain it.

"I'm so sorry." Jim wiped it away tenderly. "I don't...how can I..."

"I forgive you."

"You shouldn't." He said stubbornly, wiping even more of her unchecked tears. "I've felt more anger than I've known what to do with."

"I love you, that's why I forgive you. You've suffered enough."

Jim shook his head, his jaw showing his stubbornness even more. "Don't ever let me be an... I mean...like that again."

"I'll do my best." She couldn't help but grin. Jim tried to keep a straight face but failed. Standing there together, so close, so in love, Carol could not fathom being anywhere else.

"McCoy to Captain Kirk."

"You've got to be kidding me," Jim groaned at the broken, intimate moment. Lucy threw her toy down at the interruption. Ruefully, Carol realized Lucy's temperament rivaled that of her father's. Before Jim answered his comm, Carol swept the razor along his jaw one last time to complete his clean-shaven look.

"Kirk here." Jim frowned, taking the towel she handed him.

"Jim, I need to talk with you."

Carol's heart jumped hearing McCoy's tone. It was not his usual greeting.

"Have you noticed any unusual symptoms since you left sickbay?"

"No, I have not, Bones. Why?" Jim's face tightened.

She exchanged a worried glance with him.

"Spock will be here in five minutes, Bones," Jim said, leaning with one hand on the sink and wiping his face. "You're welcome to join us."

"I'm sending information to your PADD. Look it over. I'll be right up. McCoy out."

Jim flung the towel on the counter and rushed out of the bathroom, unmindful of Lucy as she stared at him.

"Dadda," Lucy whimpered. Carol picked her up, whispering to her softly, and followed Jim. Without hesitation, he grabbed his PADD. His eyes fixated on the screen for the next few minutes.

"What is it, James?" His silence and constant pacing was unnerving. Seeing her father like this troubled Lucy.

"I'm not sure." At his terse voice, Carol determined it wasn't anything their daughter should hear.

"Lucy is watching you."

He tucked his PADD away on the desk, now realizing their daughter was upset.

"Luce," Jim pressed a kiss on Lucy's cheek after the toddler wrapped herself fiercely in his arms. "We should ask Uhura to watch her again. They can remain here but in a separate room."

"Sit," she pulled them both towards the couch. "I'll ask Uhura. You're not going to solve anything by wearing out your floor."

"Bad habit of mine."

"I remember," she said, reaching for her comm. Uhura answered promptly. Relieved to read her message, Carol sat beside them. "She'll be right over. James, what's wrong?"

"Despite their shock, my brother and Aurelan are in love with our plan for a wedding tomorrow," Jim absentmindedly stroked Lucy's hair. "He thinks I've gone off the deep end. I still don't know if I should tell him."

"You still know how to change the subject when it suits you." Carol said sternly. "What did Leonard send you?"

"A problem," he scowled.

"James," she began, "what kind of problem?"

"He lied," Jim gritted. He took Lucy off his lap, setting her gently on the couch by herself and resumed his pacing. "Mitchell lied, Carol."

"What do you mean?" She had not expected additional deceit from Mitchell.

He didn't hear her, looking so deep in thought.

"James?"

He continued to ignore her and he did not acknowledge the arrival of McCoy and Spock. Carol ushered them in. Jim still stood motionless, arms now crossed and his back facing them. Uhura also arrived. Reading his body language, she took Lucy in the other room immediately.

"Jim," McCoy said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"That bastard," Jim whispered. "How did you even figure this out, Bones?"

"A hunch." McCoy heaved a sigh as he sat down. "When you were asleep I swabbed a DNA sample."

Carol trembled, her mind already racing through her register of medical knowledge. Jim remained immovable. It magnified her anxiety. She felt as she had at the hotel- terrified and incapable of stopping it.

"Jim, a possibility exists that he was uninformed this would occur," Spock said.

"He knew," Jim snorted. "That son of a bitch had to have known. You don't get a hold of something like that and not know. You can't pull off something like this and not know."

"James?"

"That blood did more than heal me, Bria'lel." Jim turned to face them and noticed Carol's trembling arms immediately. "Oh, Carol..."

He rushed to her, pulling her in his arms in urgency. She still trembled as he wrapped an arm around her waist. His other hand held her head close to his chest. She reveled in his pursuit to comfort her and her shaking diminished.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I'm fine, I really am," he pleaded. His hands were strong but gentle as he stroked her head. "I didn't mean to worry you. Please, it's okay."

"You're not." Her face pressed into him even more, desperate for him to appease her. "Otherwise, you would have answered me earlier and you wouldn't be this anxious."

Jim tightened his embrace.

"Bria'lel, he really is fine for now and we will monitor him indefinitely." McCoy walked towards them and spoke reassuringly. "He is in no danger. I simply want to monitor him closely until I determine exactly what the effects are.

"Why do you need to monitor him?" Carol questioned.

"The blood Mitchell infused into Jim contained a chemical that is causing a minute mutation of his DNA," McCoy said as he swabbed Jim's mouth. "I am unfamiliar with the chemical and have no way to stop the process. However, the fact that he is not experiencing any symptoms is good."

"No, you can't mean...Mitchell..." Carol stared at her husband, crushed at the devastation showing on Jim's face once again.

"At this point, with not data, I can't even predict the end result but we will be cautious," McCoy said.

"I do not think that we will know the end result until Section 31 deems it necessary," Spock stated.

Jim slipped his arms from Carol. He stared helplessly at Spock.

"Wait, just a minute. You're implying that Mitchell has planned this all along, but for what purpose?" McCoy wondered. "Jim we have no way of knowing what he has in mind!"

"You're right, we don't." Jim growled. He stepped back and glared vehemently at the doctor. "Section 31 is capable of anything. Mitchell stabbed me in the back once. What's preventing him from doing it again?"

"Captain," Spock said carefully. "Jim. Captain Mitchell may indeed be conspiring with Section 31 against you. Or he may be an unknowing participant. I propose that the logical course of action is to have Dr. McCoy monitor you while simultaneously attempting to contact Mitchell to gain information on his plan."

"Spock's right, Jim. I see nothing alarming now and I can easily monitor you with your cooperation." McCoy stated simply.

"Shit," Jim whispered. "I can't be watching my back all the time, Spock."

"You do not have to so." Spock's calm demeanor never faltered. "You are Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Every crew member on this vessel, myself and Dr. McCoy included, will be honored to do that for you."

"I can't ask them to do that, Spock."

"You do not have to ask them. They will do so willingly, as will I."

Not only had Carol missed her moments with Jim, she'd missed observing the friendship he'd developed with his first officer. It thrived despite Captain Kirk's eighteen month absence.

"Spock, I-"

"You will continue with your wedding plans tomorrow."

Jim stubbornly set his jaw. Commander Spock knew her husband too well.

"How can I?"

"Captain, I do not believe Mitchell's regard for your family has diminished."

"There's one way to find out," Jim muttered. He immediately opened his comm. "If the coward cares at all about my family, he'll meet me in Riverside tonight."

"Jim?" Carol asked, frightened he would set himself up for more hurt.

"I'll take you and Luce to my brother's. I'll meet Mitchell in a public place downtown," Jim scowled, "if he answers back."

"I will come with you," Spock said quietly. "I do not wish to see you betrayed again, Jim."

"He definitely has the practice," Jim said bitterly.

"Indeed, but he does not wish to inflict harm upon your family," Spock agreed. "We have already established that he desires to protect you, Bria'lel, and Lucy."

"For how long? A month?" Jim scoffed. "A year?"

"We can't think like this. If we do, we will miss every single bit of happiness life gives us." She could see this but doubted her husband did at the moment.

"I'm so sorry," Jim said brokenly to her. "Bria'lel, you deserve a life without this risk or this heartache."

"I want this life." She clung to his hands with the hope that he'd understand. "I want to marry you as Bria'lel and make this new life for us."

"How can you want that with me? Now being things the way they are? If we make our new life together-"

"If we make this new life, we will be together," she earnestly told him. "What do you want, James?"

He flinched at her question.

"Give us a moment," Jim asked McCoy and Spock. The two men silently left the sitting area as the tension rose between Carol and Jim.

"I don't understand why you want to stay with me, Bria'lel." Jim pleaded. "You'll be endangered. It's that simple."

"Oh, James." His answer reminded her of their first days as much as his clean-shaven face had. Jim's past had conditioned him to expect those who profess friendship or love to leave. Now having experienced her own insecurities in this Ikaaran body, Carol could understand how this insecurity was engrained in her husband. She would do everything she could to show Jim how very wrong he was.

"You and Lucy deserve better than this. I can't stop it."

"No, you can't stop it but that doesn't mean I want to leave. We need to be together. Lucy needs you just as much as she needs me. We're a family. I love you. Can that be enough for you to let us stay?"

"I don't know how to do this," Jim admitted.

"You are not going to do this by yourself," she reassured him.

"I don't want to do this without you, but I'm scared." Jim's despaired, much like he had the day before. "I don't want to lose you."

"Neither do I want to lose you."

"Oh." An understanding rippled along Jim's features. "I...oh."

"Please don't send us away."

Jim took his time to respond, gazing solemnly at her with those blue eyes she could only dream about the past two years. Once his expression flickered with the deep sadness he had in the lift. She held her breath as she watched him.

"It won't be easy."

"I understand the difficulty but I can't be without you."

"Are you certain?" His fingers hesitantly grazed her cheek. "I am not the same person, and clearly, I'm not going to be."

"I'm not the same person, either, but I'm not leaving." She wondered at the contentment now radiating from his face. He seemed to thrive with her willingness to remain- with him

"You're still there, Carol," he gently said. "I see you, but as Bria'lel you have brought Lucy and me even more happiness than I could ever imagine."

Jim's tenderness with her wasn't new. She'd experienced it as Carol but now- it was in such a pure form, she longed for it to never cease. Uhura was right- Jim had changed. She had as well, but her love for her husband never faltered. Carol had two years to come to grips with her new identity, and even now she struggled. Jim had come to terms in mere days.

His acceptance of her new identity astonished her even more than the discovery on his own of her identity.

"How did you know?" He'd never gotten the chance to tell her yet.

His mouth quirked up. She knew her husband well enough to catch the smugness in his eyes. Carol enjoyed watching his features settle even more with her question.

"The strawberries, the way you bonded with Lucy, how you said my name, Lucy calling you Mama, the way you kissed and held on to me..."

Carol smiled. It was fitting their second chance was influenced by their very own daughter.

"I think I just knew, Carol." Jim's eyes shone with love. "How could I not?"


	26. Chapter 26

Author's Note: I can never express enough thanks to those who are reading this fic! I am so appreciative of the support! For those reviewing and hanging in there with me- THANK YOU! To beta reader, DLB48- THANK YOU! Now, as a reminder, anything (there will be several things) left undone plot-wise will lead to another story at a later date. I'm pretty certain it'll be a lot less hurt!Jim (whew! I know I've been pretty mean to him) and more of an adventure/suspense/action/romance flavor. Carol's new identity will come in handy. Another character I used in this fic will return...which will be clear after this chapter. ;-) Meanwhile, I would like to explore the idea of some one-shots, or two-shots, etc. and if any of you who read my fics and have a suggestion, feel free to send me a message with an idea.

Speaking of this chapter- for some reason, I had a lot of fun (maybe too much?!) writing the dialogue and thoughts playing in the characters' heads. I hope I got it right. I hope you've enjoyed this story! The next two chapters after this- expect sweet moments, practically all the way! I figure that's what most of you signed up for! LOL!

* * *

"It's good to see you well, Jimmy."

Sam meant in more ways than one. Warmth radiated from the coffee mug. As he sat outside, Jim took a sip and observed the patrons entering the cafe. They had an hour before Mitchell was due to arrive. Spock sat beside Jim, stoic and patient. Jim wanted Sam present. It was the best way to ensure he didn't do anything drastic upon seeing Mitchell.

"I'm amazed at your recovery." Sam was curious but Jim had refrained from informing his brother why he had a sudden bill of health, wanting to wait until now. When Spock and Jim arrived at the farmhouse, Sam commented how shocked he was at Jim's appearance. The shaven beard and obvious physical health surprised him. Jim's happiness had delighted him.

"McCoy's the best," Jim said honestly. Even now, Bones directed a team investigating the consequences of the chemical Mitchell forced into Jim's system.

"I think it's more than that," Sam snorted. "It's been two days since you had surgery. You held Lucy without flinching, even gently tossing her up and catching her. Jimmy, what's going on?"

"31 is up to its old tricks," he informed Sam. The liquid in his mug swirled. Jim wished he'd not dropped Carol off at the farmhouse. "Someone dosed me with my own blood. They took it earlier, modified it, and re-injected it, now with a healing effect.

"Sloan?" Sam slumped in the booth.

"Yes and no." Jim shrugged. "He's dead, but posed a threat earlier."

"What do you mean?"

Sam's knowledge of Sloan was limited. His knowledge of 31 even less. Jim aimed to keep it that way, but his brother had heard enough during one of Jim's nightmares to ask questions that he could not ignore.

"The woman Carol was with the day she died was working on a project Sloan became interested in. What is left of the project is contained in a file that a...friend," Jim spat out the word, "is in charge of. Sloan is following this friend. Sloan has also been watching me the past two months here in Riverside."

"But you said Sloan is dead."

"As of seven hours ago."

"Why was Sloan watching you?"

"The project could be weaponized by 31, and Carol is smack dab in the middle of it."

"How can she be in the middle of it? She's...gone, Jimmy." His brother frowned, but spoke gently to him. Jim could no longer keep the truth from him. Sam saw right through him.

"This project was first successful on the day Carol died." The agony of that day rushed back at him. He winced and closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead and wanting to erase that moment from his memory forever. "Before Carol had Lucy, her very essence, her personality, everything, was switched with an another woman's, an Ikaaran woman."

Jim waited a few seconds before he looked up at his brother. Sam stared at him in complete disbelief.

"You're saying that...Oh my God, Jim," Sam whispered.

Jim sighed and focused once again on his drink. He wished his coffee was something stronger, way stronger.

"Bria'lel...she's Carol," Sam's eyes widened. "You're marrying your wife tomorrow, as Bria'lel."

Nodding, Jim gulped the remaining liquid in his mug. He set it down and looked back up at Sam.

"Jim, you didn't know that when she was here, did you?" Sam asked worriedly. "You couldn't have known."

"No, but I figured it out on my own right before my surgery."

"Why didn't she tell you?" Sam asked Jim, and then turned to Spock. "Why didn't she tell _you_?"

"This experiment wasn't entirely successful. Some of the woman's personality has mixed with Carol's," Jim said softly. "She's not the same woman, although I can see her. Sam, she was scared. Good thing she didn't say anything, because we now realize her identity must remain as secret as possible."

"What happened that she had to leave the facility?"

"Dr. Lester pointed a phaser at Carol, before she died." Jim heaved another sigh. "One of the medical assistants with Lester provoked Carol to leave and then prevented her from returning. Eventually, Carol escaped with help but by that time I was long gone- to Riverside. She eventually managed to return to Starfleet by forging her credentials-."

"Captain." Spock's unusual interruption abruptly stopped Jim mid-sentence. Jim followed his first officer's steady gaze to the Ikaaran man approaching.

"Spock," Jim whispered. "Is that...?"

Spock gave him the barest of nods. Jim gripped his mug mercilessly. His barely contained anger simmered and threatened to boil over when the man stopped at their table.

"I have one question to ask you," the man said stiffly to Spock.

"Sir, the captain and I are engaged in a private conversation," Spock informed him, looking directly at Jim. The man only glanced at Jim before he spoke again. His rage increased, thinking of Carol's bruises. Spock's eyebrow went up when Jim glared at him in an effort to refrain from hurting the other man.

"Jimmy?" Sam looked concerned. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," Jim gritted. His knuckles whitened as he gripped the coffee mug.

"Is my sister with you? Is she okay?"

One question had become two. The questions were unexpected. The questions assumed Spock and Bria'lel had lied.

Sam stared at Jim, eyes locked with intense focus. His brother understood the correlation between this man and Bria'lel.

"Vulcans do not lie. That woman is not your sister. She is a member of Starfleet," said Spock. Jim shifted in his seat. If the man did not leave immediately, Jim feared he'd fail to refrain from harming him.

"She is," the man said simply. "I'll ask again, then leave you alone. Is she okay?"

Before Spock could answer, Jim slipped out of his chair. With one smooth movement, he stood face to face with the man. He leveled his gaze, jaw set, and anger boiling, and told him honestly who Bria'lel was to him.

"I'm very sorry. She's not your sister. The woman you approached at the hotel is my wife," he said firmly. "She's the mother of my child."

The man's eyes recognized the significance of the gold command shirt peeking from underneath Jim's leather jacket and backed up a single step.

"You're a captain?"

"Yes."

"I think I recognize you," the man murmured, tilting his head at Jim. "You're Kirk."

"I am. And you are?"

"Or'an," The man's expression was hesitant, but concerned. "Is she alright? I know I...frightened her. I didn't mean to."

Jim's muscles tightened, thinking of Bria'lel's fear. He breathed deeply, gaining some sense of self-control before answering.

"You did frighten her." Jim's self-control began to vanish. He stiffened his arms to keep them down at his side. "Her wrist is bruised where you held on to her."

"I'm so sorry," Or'an eyes were regretful. "You have to understand, even though I don't understand myself...I know she's my sister. Even if you don't believe me...I didn't mean to scare her, or hurt her. Please accept my apologies."

Jaw clenched, Jim nodded his response. Or'an held out a small card.

"Here, take it. It has my contact information, if she needs anything."

Jim frowned. He should refuse. Truthfully, he did not know how to handle this situation. Bria'lel would know, but Jim could not ask her nor did he wish for her to be in a situation like this again.

"She is not-"

"Please, take it."

Hesitatingly, Jim took the card to keep things peaceful. He stared at it, curiously thinking that they may need this man's help someday, that Carol, now as Bria'lel, may need to reach a member of her "family." Someday, they may be able to divulge their secret to him. He shook his head and sighed, not caring if he appeared flustered to the man before him.

Or'an regarded Jim just as quietly for a moment then went to another table across the patio. Nothing else could have been said, no other words spoken to explain. His wife felt sorrow for keeping such news from this man and he felt irritation that he could not punch him. He breathed deeply, his hand shakily running through his hair as he sat back down.

"I swear, you were going to hit that guy, weren't you?" Sam remarked.

"Maybe."

"You refrained from doing so for Bria'lel's sake," Spock stated. Jim's mouth twitched at the commander's observation. "A wise decision, captain."

* * *

Mitchell observed the stand down between his friend and the other man. Although an outsider to the conversation, Mitchell's knowledge of Bria'lel's true identity allowed him to guess the implication of the confrontation before he overheard Jim's response. Jim's growing anger was apparent even as he returned to his table. Mitchell's own arrival would only enrage him more. Sighing, he approached. He was early, but he didn't care.

"You're early." Jim glared at him.

"I am," Mitchell eyed the vacant chair beside Jim's- bigger and overprotective- brother and sat down. "You shaved."

"You lied."

"I couldn't get it done otherwise." So much Mitchell wished to share with Jim, but he couldn't. He weighed his choices, wanting to minimize the consequences. "It was the only way, Jim."

"I don't believe you, you bastard," Jim rasped.

"Are you angry that I betrayed you, Jim, or are you angry that I took away your opportunity for revenge?"

It was a provoking statement. Mitchell should have known better.

"We should take this conversation to a more private location," Jim tersely replied.

"I don't think so," Mitchell said warily. "I don't care to have my face punched in."

"You're telling me," Sam Kirk muttered. Mitchell looked closely at Sam's face and surmised the faint bruises he saw resulted from a brotherly spat.

"How could you do it, Mitch?"

Jim's voice had settled into an earnest plea, one made by a friend. It twisted his gut and aggravated all he knew and could not tell Jim about. Mitchell preferred to be punched.

"By the way," Jim muttered. "You should've told me months ago about Bria'lel."

"Maybe I should've told you, Jim, but who knows if things would've turned out the way they have. Your family is safe. I needed insurance so that I could remain in control of that file, Jim. You know that." Mitchell steadied his voice. It took every bit of willpower to keep his answer simple.

"And the third thing you did to me? The others weren't enough?"

"Jimmy?" Sam whipped his head around to look at Mitchell. "What the hell did you do to my little brother?"

Jim did not mention in his message earlier he'd found out about that. Mitchell assumed McCoy would, but not this soon.

"It's part of the plan."

"When do I expect to be called in as part of this...plan," Jim said sarcastically, lifting himself partway out of his seat.

"Captain."

Jim quickly glanced at Spock.

"Do not do anything you will later regret, Jim."

Jim slammed his fist on the table, gaining attention from several customers, but heaved himself back down. Mitchell admired Spock's ability to rein in Captain Kirk. It was no small task.

"The truth, Mitchell," Jim ordered aggressively. "Stop messing with me. I have a wife and a child..."

Emotion filled every word. Mitchell couldn't ignore the desperation stemming from Jim's urgent desire to protect his family.

"I can't take care of them if I have to watch my back, Gary." Jim's painful expression exposed the hurt Mitchell himself had inflicted upon the man he called a friend. Even more guilt crept into Mitchell's black heart. "What the hell did you do? Why did you do it?"

"I did it to protect you, Jim. Someday, someone else may wish to make use of your...experiences," Mitchell stated carefully. "I did what I had to do in order to ensure your safety. No harm would come to you. Nothing will change about you other than the ability to withstand that same drug Sloan gave you without the insanity and violence."

"No harm? That's bullshit and you know it." Jim hissed. "You want to use me, whatever strength it gives me. What's the endgame?"

Weighing the answer with the least consequences, Mitchell answered in truth.

"Jim, I may need you someday." He confessed, sighing with resignation. "I was not afraid to take the opportunity before anyone else did."

Jim slouched in his seat. "Dammit, Gary."

Mitchell squirmed internally under Spock's deadly glare.

"You have adapted this situation for your own benefit, Captain Mitchell."

"Commander, it was the best way."

"You would force me to help you, rather than asking as a friend?"

Mitchell looked directly into Jim's shocked, bewildered eyes. Mitchell deserved the blame for everything Jim accused him of doing. One day, he would, indeed, force Jim's hand.

"You've bravery, ingenuity, intelligence, and determination unlike anyone else. You are valuable to 31 without this mutation. However, you are now, quite frankly, invaluable. If I hadn't done this first who knows how this would have played out. I am very sorry, Jim."

"No," Jim chuckled humorously. "You're not. You screwed around with me a little too much, Mitchell. So, when should I expect to be called up to help you? Not that I will now come willingly, Gary."

The inflected sarcasm at Mitchell's first name was appropriate.

"Not anytime soon, and I will not do anything else to you, Jim."

"That proclamation means nothing to us, Captain Mitchell." Spock said.

"No, I imagine it probably doesn't," Mitchell sadly replied.

"You're so not invited to the wedding tomorrow." Jim scowled at him.

Jim's attempt at dark humor despite his anger reflected that the years of friendship were to forgotten. Mitchell raised an eyebrow in his surprise.

"A wedding, Jim? You and Bria'lel?" The thought of his friend marrying the love of his life- for the second time- made all that Mitchell had done worth it.

Jim nodded as he frowned at the empty cup before him. He reached across the table, grabbed Sam's mug, and chugged its contents down. The smell of coffee wafted across the table.

"This is hardly an appropriate bachelor party," Mitchell commented dryly.

"Drugging a man so he can't move and mutating his DNA is hardly an appropriate way to treat a friend," Jim countered tightly.

"You son of a bitch," Sam whispered.

"It wasn't the first time."

He spoke before he could think better of it, or maybe he wanted Jim to know this went back further than they realized.

"What do you mean, Mitchell?" Jim's words were strangled by bewilderment and anger. Mitchell's act of betrayal had already severed their friendship but this...this would close all doors to ever healing their relationship.

"Captain Mitchell, explain," Spock commanded. His eyes flashed and threatened.

"The other mutations were so slight they could not be detected."

"You are speaking of Khan and Sloan," Spock stated.

While Sam looked confused at the mention of Khan, Jim's face drained of all color. He stared down at the table, his expression now unreadable as his first officer took over.

"Yes." His guilt festered. What they- 31 and himself- were doing to Jim was wrong. Mitchell could not stop it yet he willingly added to it in his attempt to prevent further distress for Jim than was necessary.

"Were the first two mutations necessary to prepare Captain Kirk for this third?" Spock asked.

"Yes, although the first was incidental, as you know. It merely prompted 31's actions."

"Can you state with absolute certainty that a new exposure to the same drug will not result in the violent tendencies Jim previously experienced?"

"I know with almost absolute certainty." Mitchell stretched the truth.

"That is unacceptable."

"It has to be," Mitchell said simply. "I'll give Dr. McCoy limited information when I can. He won't discover any way to reverse the process."

"Captain Mitchell," Spock commanded darkly. "It is time for you to leave."

Mitchell agreed. He stood up from the table.

"I wish you every happiness in your marriage, Jim- again," he said calmly although guilt crushed his conscious. "Please tell Bria'lel I am sorry for the pain I inflicted upon her husband. Her wrath I do not wish upon anyone. Your family will be safe, nonetheless. You risked your life once for my ship and crew, saving it single handedly. I can do no less, despite what you think or know I've done. As I told you before, our ways are different. Jim, I am sorry."

* * *

Jim wasn't finished talking with Gary, but he was too overcome with hurt and anger. Spock was correct- it was time for Mitchell to leave but Jim could not help himself. As Mitchell stepped away, Jim slipped out of his seat.

"We're not finished, Gary." Jim's command to stay was inherent. Mitchell jerked himself around and looked at him sadly. Jim saw the emotion in his friend's eyes, but he refused to allow that to cloud his gut feeling.

"What do you want, Jim? For me to say I'm sorry? I have and I can't undo anything that's been done but I did try to alleviate your pain."

"I don't want your apologies," Jim came as close to Mitchell as he dared and whispered his request. "I want your promise that you will stay away from Bria'lel and Lucy."

"Unfortunately, Jimmy," Mitchell's face hardened, "if you don't cooperate when the time comes, I can't promise I will do that."

"You son of a bitch," Jim seethed. "I swear, I will-"

"Captain." In one liquid smooth movement, Spock came beside Jim and seized his arm when he raised it up in his anger. Mitchell stepped back in expectation for Jim's hand to meet its intended target.

"They have been through enough," Jim rasped. Spock continued to hold his arm and Jim allowed him to do so. He didn't trust himself. "If you dare terrorize my daughter or my wife, if you dare cross me again, I will no longer have a code of ethics which will prevent me from harming you."

"I would never terrorize them. You have to know that, Jimmy."

"After what you pulled earlier? I realize I don't know you at all and I don't have faith in your word."

"I guarantee there will be someone waiting right behind me to finish what we started with you." Mitchell said firmly. "I'm your best hope."

Jim hunched slightly, sighing in despair and acknowledgement that Mitchell was right, however untrustworthy he seemed.

"He is correct, Captain." Spock released his arm as Jim made no other move towards Gary. "He is very likely the only one willing and able to help you."

"I realize that, Spock. I'm my family's best hope for protection, Mitchell," Jim pleaded now. "They need me. We have been apart for two years, Gary. Two years."

"Like I said," Mitchell set his jaw, "if you cooperate, there will be no problem."

"Like I said," Jim said in a hushed voice. "You would force me to help you rather than ask as a friend."

Mitchell flinched. "I could not be sure."

"Now you can be sure. I will not willingly be your- or their- pawn."

"Not even for the safety of your family? I will not harm them, even as you say these things. I will still protect your family as I already promised. In doing what I did, I prevented anyone else from causing more harm if they attempted the same thing." Mitchell said quietly. "Shall I remind you, Jim, that I am the only one who can make this easier for you?"

"You may be my best hope," Jim sorrowfully looked at him, "and I will protect my family at all costs but you have shown me that your ways are too twisted. How can I trust you?"

"I cannot answer that for you. I am still your friend." Mitchell said, preparing to leave.

"I never want to see your face again," Jim said with hushed severity.

"I am sorry, Jim."

"So am I."

Once again, Jim felt Mitchell's deep betrayal at his departure.

"Do you trust him, Spock?" Jim turned to his first officer. The patio of the cafe still bustled with activity and a few tables were occupied, including one by Or'an and a companion. Seeing the man another time brought back the heartache of two years and the guilt of not telling him of his sister.

"I trust he does not wish to harm Bria'lel and Lucy, but I do not trust him in regards with you. If you fail to willingly assist Captain Mitchell, he will use the people and things that are valuable to you in order to force you to comply."

"I have no choice, then."

"You have a choice now, Captain."

"You mean about tomorrow," Jim sighed. Out of habit, he rubbed his jaw.

"Indeed."

Jim shrugged off his coat. It was a chilly evening but now he felt stifled from Mitchell's onslaught of information, not to mention his own boiling blood. He'd made his choice earlier in the day- he and Bria'lel had together. Nothing Mitchell said tonight changed that. His wedding was tomorrow.

He looked solemnly at Spock and Sam.

"Jimmy?" Sam asked worriedly.

"I need to pick up another ring, don't I?" Jim swung his coat over his shoulder. His mouth turned up as he thought of holding Bria'lel's hand to place it on her slender finger.

"I know just the place." Sam grinned in return.


	27. Chapter 27

Author's Note: The first part of this chapter is shameless, light-hearted, self-indulgent fluff. The final part is something I want to explore and carry over to another story. DLB48- you're the best beta reader!

I am currently working on the story (formerly known as "Encompass") which directly follows my first fic, Escape Artist. It will be revamped but generally, the same idea of Jim and Carol growing closer as a couple. Not sure when I'll begin posting...I would safely assume not for a few weeks to a month.

Thanks so much for reading!

* * *

A gentle pitter-patter at her window awakened Carol. She had sat down on Jim's bed at the farmhouse intending to stay awake. Lucy did not settle in her bed well, throwing everything from tantrums to her blanket. The only thing she did not throw was her little memento. She refused to give up her hold on the Kelvin shaker and from that action, Carol deduced Lucy missed her father's ship and allowed her to take comfort from it. Carol finally pried it from her tiny fingers as she fell asleep. Preparing Lucy for bedtime had exhausted Carol, and she sat on the bed with every intent to wait up for Jim's return.

The light, scattering sound on the window continued, like tiny rocks clattering and enticing her over to inspect it. As she moved the curtain aside, music began- a gentle, familiar melody of the past- and Carol knew instantly who was causing the stir. Jim was back. Her stomach rolled in anticipation as she thought of glancing down from three stories but she opened the window and tentatively peered out.

"You're awake," Jim whispered loudly as he stated the obvious, smiling at her from far below. The porch light was on but barely illuminated his form and the guitar he played.

"What are you doing?" She knew but she asked anyways. She felt like a dumbstruck teenager, leaning over the windowsill and staring down at her husband as she was. He never failed to surprise her.

"You know, the usual things. Throwing pebbles at your window, playing a song for you under the stars." He grinned boyishly up at her. "What does it look...er...sound like?"

"It looks and sounds like you're a hopeless romantic," she whispered.

"It's all your fault. It was either become a hopeless romantic or remain the moron that I was."

"That's not true," she argued.

"Sure sounds about right to me!"

Jim scowled towards the porch, breaking the rhythm while he played. Carol clasped a hand over her mouth to stop her laughter. Jim looked absolutely and ridiculously mortified that his brother heard them.

"We don't need your commentary, Sam. We need privacy."

"Awww, I was looking forward to being serenaded."

"Uhura? You too?" Jim said with disgust. "I imagine Spock followed you out here, as well."

"I most certainly did."

"Really?" Jim stopped playing altogether. "Seriously? I was out here all alone, psyching myself up to do this, and then you three-"

"Four!" Aurelan exclaimed.

Jim muttered incoherently under his breath, swiping mercilessly at the guitar strings, and turned his back to the porch. Carol smiled and shrugged, not minding at all that others were listening. She made herself more comfortable, leaning on her arms at the window sill and waiting. Her stomach continued its churning but she was determined to enjoy it all. Jim's romantic side always delighted her but this was incredibly sweet and new.

Jim still struggled with playing the guitar in front of his family and crew. He alternated between looking up at her, ready to play and sing, and looking irritatingly at those on the porch.

"We're waiting, kid brother. Hurry it up. Aurelan and Lieutenant Uhura are all starry-eyed, waiting for you to play. Spock and I can't handle seeing them like this much longer."

Carol swore she saw a bit of a blush rising from the base of Jim's neck.

"Maybe I should have just kept on being a moron," he exclaimed. His voice rose as he turned his head back over to his audience. "So I could be in good company with all of you on the damn porch!"

"Is he really that upset we wanted to listen to him play for Bria'lel?" Aurelan's whisper was purposely loud.

"It's sweet, Captain," Uhura laughed. "Please don't make us leave."

"I'm so pulling rank," Jim tossed back. "Can't a guy have a private moment with his wife?"

"Not here you can't, kid brother."

"The captain-"

"Ex-moron!" Sam quipped.

" -about to serenade his wife on eve of their wedding? I can't resist listening." Uhura sighed.

Jim then looked beseechingly up at Carol. "They're being ridiculous, Bria'lel. Do something."

Carol should but the conversation below was quite entertaining and Jim's grumbling only provoked them She rather liked hearing the playful banter. He'd play eventually, alone or not. She smiled serenely.

"Oh, no," Jim let the guitar hang to his side from its strap around his neck. "Don't tell me you're on their side?"

"Not at all," she whispered. "I rather like seeing you all bashful and flummoxed. You're adorable."

"I can't play with...with..." He dragged out a long sigh. "I knew this was a bad idea."

"It's a beautiful idea. I love you, James. Can you play for me?"

"I-" Jim's agitatedly ran his hand through his hair, clearly unsure about himself and what he was doing.

"Please? Play a song for me?"

"Um...yeah, that's what I-"

"I'm waiting, James." Her distraction worked. He gazed up at her, enraptured. He positively melted staring into her eyes, and she did the same as she looked into his bright blue ones. "I love watching you when you play the guitar. Even more than that, I love hearing you sing."

"Okay, then." He beamed and brought his guitar back into his hands. "Where were we..."

* * *

"They did leave us alone and you can't blame them for wanting to stay to see the infamous Captain Kirk serenade his wife," Carol called down to him a few minutes later.

"You tricked me. I could do nothing else but look at the beautiful woman staring down at me from the window and obey her every command."

"They were provoking you to see you react the way you did."

"I know," he sighed dramatically.

"You're somewhat predictable."

"I know that, too."

"I will never forget this. You're a romantic, you know."

He never missed a beat, only raised an eyebrow at her.

"That's right," he huffed, "take the credit for reforming an absolute id-"

"James," she scolded, "You're a brilliant, somewhat reckless captain whom I love and always will. You're a loving, tender father to our daughter. Those are things which matter to me."

Her statement took him aback. His fingers rested on a chord as he gazed up at her, hair disheveled and a wildness in his eyes.

"You're too good to me," he whispered. "I don't deserve you, Bria'lel. I never have."

"What happened at the cafe?"

He shook his head, stubbornly refusing to answer. "Let me play another song for you first?"

"I would love that," she said softly, her heart slightly breaking and understanding what he truly needed- a moment of control, of peace, and of good things.

Jim played and sang, his voice as tender and beautiful as she'd ever heard it. With those brilliant blue eyes, he watched her and never faltered. His music moved her. She followed every note he played and every word sung, from beginning to end. When he was finished, the last note lingered between them, an invitation for more. In the absolute quietness of the evening, he continued to play a soft, familiar but decades old love song.

"That was wonderful," she called to him.

He shrugged, a slow blush rising from the base of his neck. Somewhat bashfully, he looked up at her.

"Thank you, from the bottom of my heart...thank you."

"I saw this in a movie once," he admitted.

She laughed as his answer sparked a lightness in her. He grinned up at her again, guitar now hanging by its strap around his neck and pushed behind him.

"Don't close that window. I'm coming up."

He swiftly found handholds before she could protest to the precarious climb.

"James Tiberious Kirk...don't you come up here like that!" Her face warmed watching him, however light on his feet and skilled with his fingers. He was halfway up already before she finally shut her eyes tightly. "You're making me nervous. How in the world can you climb up the side of this house anyways?"

By the time she finished her sentence, a set of warm lips found her own.

"I've done that a thousand times, but I'm most sorry to make you nervous," he whispered after their kiss. "Will you let me in?"

She opened her eyes. Her stomach remained unsettled. She nodded and stepped back from the window. He set his guitar inside and then slid his body through the window with ease.

"I really did make you nervous." He regarded her from head to toe. She blushed at his appropriate judgement.

"It was more the fact that I had to look down from the third floor for so long," she said, ashamed to admit her fear of heights had struck again.

"I am so sorry." His eyes widened. He pulled her into his arms. "I forgot."

"I'm feeling a little better now."

She curled into his chest, drawing from his strength. Other than the moment on the Ferris wheel, she could not remember the last time she felt so secure and so protected, and now- so loved. The two years had been difficult, although more for Jim than for herself. She wondered again how Jim could so easily take to her new identity.

"Did Gary come?"

"He did and also..." He hesitated. "Maybe we should sit down. Do you need something for your stomach? Something to drink? Tea?"

Nothing sounded better. "Yes. Tea would be good."

Jim placed his jacket on the bed and then paused at the door. He spun around, a strange look on his face. He opened his mouth. She waited for him to speak but he closed it abruptly.

"Are you okay?"

"I should ask you how you like your tea now," he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Oh," she exclaimed.

He looked at her expectantly. For some reason, she felt oddly like her answer would either cause the moment to keep its sweetness or fail and fall short.

She did not want it to fall short.

"The same." She smiled in encouragement.

"Are you sure?"

"James, I'm sure."

"Okay, then," he grinned. "I'll be right back."

Carol sunk down on the bed after he left. Her stomach still quaked but she preferred to think it was from the fear of heights rather than the conversation soon to ensue. Not only did Jim need to tell her of his meeting with Gary but she also discovered something she needed to inform him of as well.

Carol reached beside her and took hold of Jim's coat. His scent lingered and she held it close, lost once more in the wondering she had just a moment ago. How could this man love her so much...still? The question of tea preference would be similar to many to come. She'd answered truthfully but her current love for tea embraced all kinds and ways.

"Here you go," Jim chimed through her thoughts.

She eyed the tray, pleasantly surprised. Between two cups of tea was a vase with an artful display of fresh, pink roses. He set the tray on his desk, took her cup, and held it out to her, with a concerned expression on his face.

"I'm fine. Really, I am, and those are beautiful." She took the cup from him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jim gave an exasperated sigh and sat down next to her. "Can you believe them tonight? Sam was the worst."

"Did you tell him?" She placed her hand on top of his, lacing her fingers through his.

"I did. It was a lot to take in, but Sam is Sam. He knows what I would like for him to know and he never pushes me for further details. He understand the risks that still exist for us, and he was very happy to hear of our second chance. Bria'lel..."

He sighed deeply and sipped his tea.

"You don't have to tell me about Mitchell tonight, if you don't want to. You can wait until after our wedding."

"It's not that. It's...I saw Or'an."

"What?" Her stomach instantly rolled. She had not told Jim the man's name because they'd not much time to speak of her "brother." "James, what did he say?"

"He is adamant that you are his sister, despite what you, Spock, and I all said. He wanted to give me his information in case you ever need to contact him," Jim stood up and walked to look out the window, clearly agitated. "He apologized. All he wanted to know is if you were okay."

"What did you do?" Her heart pounded. Jim must have been wired in his anticipation of meeting Mitchell. This would have pushed him over the edge.

"Besides wanting to punch the guy's lights out for harming you?" Jim shook his head, chuckling ruefully.

"You took the information, didn't you?"

Jim's shoulder's slumped. Carol understood, then, even in Jim's silence.

"You want us to explain to him what happened," she whispered. "That's why you're so upset. It's not just because he unintentionally hurt me."

"I do. Call it another gut feeling. I have come away from all this tonight so confused, Carol." The new lines on her husband's face were magnified as he looked at her with guilt-ridden eyes."Or'an, someone I do not know and have never met before tonight, seems more trustworthy than the man I've called 'friend' for the past nine years."

* * *

The evening was at its end. It had taken another hour to discuss Or'an and Mitchell. Jim lay on the bed, ready to put the day behind him and uncaring that he was fully clothed. He observed Bria'lel's silhouette as she looked out the window. She'd taken the news as he expected, a mixture of fear and horror but confident in him, and more concerned about Lucy and him than her own well-being.

"I love you," he called to her. "Are you going to stay over there the whole night?"

"Do you still want to have more children with me?" Her voice was trembling and cautious. Jim read something else under her tone...a fragile hope he did not wish to break.

"I do." He would love to have another child, if at all possible. In all fairness, Jim hadn't thought this far yet, although it was a simple question for him to answer.

With that remark, Jim went over to her and embraced her from behind. He leaned his chin on her shoulder.

"Is that why you're over here?" He asked gently.

She sighed, sinking deeper into his embrace. "To be honest, now that I'm Ikaaran, I did not know if it was even possible. I should have that sort of medical knowledge but it's never come up with any cases I've seen."

"And now you do know?"

"Before we left the Enterprise, I asked Dr. McCoy to find out for us." She turned around in his arms, looking up at him nervously. "He sent me the results while you were gone tonight. I hope you're not upset, James, that we didn't talk about it yet. I didn't bother you with it because of all that was happening. James, I hope you're not upset that I wanted to know."

"Bria'lel, I'm glad you took the initiative," he said firmly. "I'm not upset. Alright?"

The sheen in her eyes intensified. "Okay," she said in a small voice.

"Whatever Bones told you, I love you, Bria'lel," he said, mindful of her anxiety. "It doesn't matter if we can't have another biological child or if we adopt or if Lucy remains our only child. I love you."

Her tears tugged at his heart. He brushed them away, one by one.

"Bria'lel, nothing- absolutely nothing- will ever change that."

His wife's eyes were an open book as she watched for his reaction. The raw emotion within their depths revealed to him the answer. Jim's tender smile revealed to her, in turn, all she needed to know from him- that he unconditionally, forever loved her.

They gazed at each other, both hopeful and almost shy, both wanting to reaffirm the other of their love. It reminded Jim of their first days together, when the world was at their fingertips and the pain of this had not yet touched them. When the world had kept them together and their love had not been so challenged.

Yet, being on the other side of so much pain, their love had changed to something neither had expected. A mature, deeper love, fine tuned by the brokenness and loss, the hurt and now the joy of being found.

"So that's that," he whispered.

"Yes, it is," she whispered in turn.


	28. Chapter 28

Author's Note: It's here! The end! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I'll be honest. I was a little intimidated with the thought of writing it but I pieced together what I hope will be a worthwhile, sweet read and end to this story. As always...thank you to all who've read this story and hung on to the end. I felt challenged as I wrote this fic, but the inspiration kept coming, and so did the encouragement! I'd love to continue their story after this...and fill in the pieces before...so someday, more will come. As I noted the other day, a fic about the early days of Jim & Carol is on its way!

I have to give a shout out to HappytheExceed who knew my plan for this chapter and kindly helped me by offering ideas, a couple of which I used! Thanks so much!

DLB48- you're a miracle-working beta reader. ;)

* * *

"You're not supposed to be up here, Captain!" Christine barely cracked the door to reply in irritation.

"I know, but...can't I see her? Just for one minute," Jim pleaded. Carol shook her head at Christine from the mirror. It was the third time he'd tried to see her before the ceremony. "I promise."

"One minute is one minute," hissed Christine. "Now, go! Captain or not, we're not bending the rules for you today."

"Please, I...just...wait...Christine!" Jim groaned as Christine frantically shut the door. She leaned against it, laughing. "I hear you laughing, Nurse Chapel!"

"He's crazy in love with you," she whispered to Carol. "He can't stand being apart like this."

"Can I just talk with her?" Her husband was exasperated by ceremony- this particular custom drove him crazy. She made him promise last night to leave the room before she awakened. Surprisingly, he obeyed. The first time they were married, Jim actually snuck a kiss on her cheek one hour before the wedding. How he had managed, Carol still did not know. By the time she realized what happened, he was gone.

Christine rolled her eyes at Jim's request. Carol sighed. He was not going to leave until he got his way.

"Maybe I should," she whispered to her friend.

"I knew you were going to give in," Christine's eyes twinkled. She spoke louder through the door. "Captain, I'm coming out to leave you two lovebirds to talk. Don't you go sneaking in though. I will not open this door until you have promised."

"Oh, for crying out loud," Jim groaned again.

"Will you promise?" Christine teased.

"I...fine. I promise."

"Now, if you would so kindly move away from the door, Captain," she ordered.

"I'm moving, I'm moving," Jim called out.

Christine opened the door hesitantly. Her head disappeared as she peered behind the door to find Jim.

"He's listening," Christine said disbelievingly as she glanced back at Carol. "He's actually listening. I'll be back in five minutes."

Christine closed the door as she left. Carol walked over and turned the lock. She gently leaned against the door. Jim was on the other side, doing the same, she supposed. He was subdued. She hoped his quietness reflected contentment on this wedding day rather than his conversation with Mitchell the night before.

"Are you there?" Jim whispered loudly.

"I am. How's Lucy?"

"Uhura will bring her back up to you soon. She's winning over hearts as we speak," Jim's smile came through his proudly spoken words. "Including the ambassador. I didn't know you invited him."

"I figured this was important," Carol said. "It was a surprise."

"Thank you, Bria'lel. It means a lot," Jim softly said. "Does he know? I couldn't tell."

"He does. He is very happy for you, for both of us."

"I love you."

"I know. I love you, too. I'm proud of you, James," she whispered, thinking of his momental effort of self-control the night before. "I know it was hard."

An enormous sighed drifted from behind the door. Carol imagined him in his dress uniform, hat in hand, perhaps tugging at his sleeves nervously. To think she was getting married twice- to the same reckless and handsome man.

"I can't believe you actually met Mitchell at a cafe, of all places. You didn't mention that last night. Sam said you got drunk on coffee," she teased. "What's happening to you?"

"Well, I figured it would be better for us all," he admitted. "Knowing my track record."

"Thank you, James."

"You're welcome. I love you so much. Can I have a kiss?" The three sentences were practically strung together. Carol smirked at his attempt to get her to relent to see him.

"You know the rules," she scolded.

"You know you want to break them," he replied smugly. "I don't see the warden around anywhere. The coast is clear."

"You're despicable!" She couldn't let on she wanted to break the rule. She'd never live it down.

"Right. Despicable me!" Jim retorted. "But you love it. So open the door, already."

"You cheated last time, remember? You don't get to do that again."

"Please?" The doorknob jiggled. Carol stared at it, half-wanting to cheat, too. "I've picked this old lock before, you know."

"Captain Kirk, you are incorrigible." Christine had returned. Carol despairingly realized she should have allowed for that kiss. She could not wait.

"We need another minute," Jim ordered.

"Oh, no," Christine snorted. "Bria'lel, I'm ready."

Biting her lip, Carol hesitantly opened the door to let her friend back in. Surprising Christine but delighting her husband, Carol rushed out of the room. Before Jim could recognize the blur of white, she reached up to kiss him and raced back into her room, door now shut behind her firmly. Carol's chest heaved at her decision to break the rules on such a sacred day.

"I can't believe you just did that." Christine stared at her openmouthed.

"I can't believe _I_ just did that," Carol said breathlessly.

"Did you just bend a rule? You rule breaker!" She couldn't contain her laughter as Jim's excited and still-smug voice carried through the door. "Let's do that again!"

* * *

"What are you looking all smug about?" Bones asked suspiciously. Jim shrugged in an attempt to appear nonchalant, especially since Spock and his counterpart stood there with him.

"Nothing," he chirped, looking at the sky, whistling, and resisting the urge to smirk. It was his wedding day, and so far, things were going his way.

"You snuck in to see her, didn't you? Don't you ever learn?" Bones rolled his eyes.

"I did not sneak in," he said truthfully. "I remained in the hallway. Honest, Bones."

"But you cheated."

"Nope." The smirk came out then, full-fledged. Only Ambassador Spock looked amused.

"If you didn't cheat to see her, than why are you so happy?"

"We kissed."

"Then you did cheat."

"Nope."

"I assume, Captain, since you did not cheat, that Bria'lel allowed you to see her," Spock's logic was impeccable. "She was the one to cheat."

"Yup. She ran out of her room to kiss me."

"Unbelievable," Bones muttered. "Have you no shame?"

"And then she did it again," Jim chuckled, smacking his hat against his thigh. It truly had shocked him. He barely got a glimpse of her, she was so fast.

"Dr. Marcus would not have acted as such." Spock commented with nothing less than two arched eyebrows.

"No, she wouldn't have," Jim grinned even more at Spock's logic- and surprise.

"Fascinating," Ambassador Spock mouth turned up in a soft smile.

"I know, right?" Jim smiled back and walked away, content to leave the men wonder about his amazing wife.

* * *

"Did you have to give in to him like that?" McCoy muttered in Carol's ear as they walked down the farmhouse steps, prelude music ushered in by the opening front door. It was Uhura with Lucy. "It just feeds his ego. He's impossible."

"Maybe his ego deserves to be fed right now, Leonard," she whispered. "He's had it rough lately."

"You're good for him," McCoy's seriousness caused her foot to falter on the next step. He gripped her elbow as she wavered. "You always have been."

"So are you, all of you." It took great willpower to not cry as she spoke. After all this time, Jim's had not lost the circle of friends life had given him.

"Bria'lel, you're breathtaking," Uhura gasped upon her first glimpse of the bride. Blushing, Carol barely caught herself before she misstepped once more.

"Steady," McCoy drawled in her ear as he held her elbow.

"Tha..thank you, Nyota." The gown was incredibly simple, no frills, only a simple cut in the bodice and slight drape as it reached her ankles. She hadn't wanted to gain any extra attention by wearing this gown. After the lieutenant's reaction, Carol doubted her decision. "It's too much."

"It's perfect," Uhura exclaimed. "Utilitarian but elegant. The captain won't be able to say his vows, he'll be so captivated."

"If he does that mixing up his words thing again," Christine huffed behind her, "it'll ruin the moment. Bria'lel, maybe you shouldn't have found a dress that fits you so perfectly."

"Aurelan found it." She gathered the small bit of extra fabric even more, her anxiety rising as they reached the bottom of the stairs. Her sister-in-law was remarkable to have done so, not to mention the other preparations. The last-minute wedding was brought about by the whim of both Carol and Jim. However, their family brought about details beyond Carol's expectations- the dress being one of them.

"Mama." Lucy brought her back to the present. Thinking nothing of Christine's earlier instructions to stay unwrinkled, Carol swept her daughter into her arms.

"You, sweet Lucy, are going to steal the show tonight," she whispered.

"She will, indeed," Uhura's face gazed on Lucy with adoration. "Look at her in that dress, those shoes, that cape, her hair...She's a doll."

"Thank you for helping her down the aisle, Nytoa. I..I wish," Carol drew in a ragged breath before continuing. "...she could walk..all on her own."

Jim hadn't mentioned that- he was too broken up about his daughter to discuss it. It hadn't even been noticed by Carol until the situation revealed itself when she had cared for her on the Enterprise.

At two years old, their daughter struggled with her tiny steps.

"It is my pleasure," said Uhura gently. "She'll get there, Bria'lel."

"I know," she replied swiftly, almost tritely, needing to keep her emotions at bay. Although Captain Mitchell's deception had been great, he'd been true to his word with at least one thing. The information he'd given them would help Lucy.

Jim told her he'd willingly be betrayed a thousand times over if it meant Lucy could be cured.

Jim told her he'd die if it meant Lucy could be cured.

Carol covered her mouth in an attempt to suppress a sob. She failed, even as she held her precious daughter. McCoy came behind her and laid his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently. Uhura gracefully took Lucy back into her own arms, despite Lucy's flailing.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," she gasped. "I can't do this right now."

"It's perfectly natural to experience nerves," Christine reassured her and handed Carol a tissue. She then softly added, "Even when it's not nerves."

The door opened as Aurelan smiled at them all. "It's time," she said. "Wait until you see, Bria'lel."

She could not wait. This fall wedding would be a dream- a candlelight ceremony, outdoors, with a simple- but surprising- guest list, but friends and family aplenty. It was from a fairytale, she mused, and like nothing they'd had before.

It was fitting.

"Are you ready?" McCoy tucked her arm in his. It had only made sense to Carol to have him walk her down the aisle. In mere minutes, she'd see her husband and their family would be together, as before. As it should have been before.

"I'm ready."

* * *

"Breathe, Jimmy." Sam clasped his shoulder. "You can't pass out in front of your guests."

His throat tight, Jim could only nod. His peripheral vision had vanished. He kept careful watch down the aisle, following the narrow, white carpeting on the grass. The music, played by the very band from the bar, beckoned for the ceremony to begin.

Lucy would be coming down the aisle first with Uhura. Lucy, in all her princess attire and with the traditional basket of petals. Jim had never seen such a precious sight in all his life when he first caught a glimpse of her before the ceremony. His daughter, adorned with layers of puffiness, as he mistakingly called it, was beautiful. It made him nervous, like before.

"The music changed, Jimmy," Sam whispered. "It's time."

Jim blinked and turned his head discretely to find Spock. He was behind Jim, ready to officiate. He stood, focused on the ceremony but nodded in acknowledgement.

Jim breathed. He blinked again. The music faded away as he waited. He thought he saw Christine make her way down. He swallowed though his throat was tight and he could not see anything but the white space before him. He heard nothing but his own breathing.

Then he saw them. Uhura held Lucy's hand and the two ventured tentatively down the aisle. In all of his exploring, this by far was the most remarkable thing he'd ever seen. Jim's face grew wet as his daughter managed, with the lieutenant's help, to come to him.

With Uhura's assistance, Lucy threw out one, then two tiny handfuls of gently squashed, red and pink fragrant petals.

That was all.

That was more than enough.

Jim was so very proud of his daughter.

Gloriously, Bria'lel appeared at the start of the now petaled path, her face shining with love. His best friend accompanied her, but Jim's vision narrowed even more.

Bria'lel. His wife. She'd returned to him. Warmth coursed through Jim's heart. She loved him, after all this time. She loved him, still.

Then, for a moment, Jim saw Carol as he remembered the first time.

Her blonde hair was expertly swept up, with a few wisps curling down. Her smile was knowing, as if she could see what he was imagining. Her smile was affirming, as if she was telling Jim it was okay. Her smile was confident of his love for her.

The vision disappeared and Jim still watched the woman he loved. Her smile was still all these things.

His love poured out from his soul. He couldn't stop it. Bria'lel had stolen his heart, even though it had always belonged to her.

She beamed, the candles surrounding them now dimming in comparison.

Bones respectfully slipped from her side as Jim took his rightful place. Jim clutched Bri'alel's hand with the promise to never let her go.

Her delightful brown eyes latched onto his blue ones. Her eyes were all Jim saw as they repeated their vows for the second time.

* * *

Lucy's head rested on Jim's shoulder. Moments earlier, Jim had picked up a guitar at his daughter's distress. It was unplanned and without ceremony but it was perfect. He played a song which he dedicated to his wife and daughter. At the soothing vocals and light guitar strumming from her father, Lucy sat calmly on Carol's lap. Not even the guests went untouched by the music, so few were the dry eyes remaining.

Guests still mingled, now with refreshments, but Carol stood with her husband and daughter on the outskirts. Soon, they'd depart for the Enterprise and leave Riverside behind them.

"You're so beautiful," Jim whispered. "You took my breath away- again."

Instinctively, she rested her head on his arm. His masculine scent washed over her. She couldn't even respond in kind, she was so very, very happy.

"Captain."

Carol lifted her head and watched a trio of Jim's crew nearing.

"Scotty," Jim said with surprise. "Chekov! Sulu. Where've you been the past few days?"

"Keptain, eh..." Chekov stammered. "Congratulations, Keptain."

"Thank you, Mr. Chekov." Jim smiled.

"Captain," Sulu cleared his throat, "We have a gift for you..a wedding gift."

Before Jim could decline, Chekov handed him a small box. Sulu shifted his feet, looking nervous. Mr. Scott followed suit. Chekov, however, gave Jim one of the largest grins Carol had ever seen.

"A gift?" Jim said slowly, turning the package around in his hands. He glanced at Carol, brow furrowed. She gave him a look she hoped he still understood. "Thank you. All of you."

She sighed with relief at his acceptance. It broke the ice.

"You're welcome, Keptain," Chekov hesitated. "Eh...you may open it whenever you wish, Keptain."

"We're glad you are back, Captain Kirk," said Sulu with a wide grin.

"It's good to be back," Jim beamed at his helmsman than turned to Mr. Scott. "Scotty, how's she doing?"

"Ready when you are, Captain," the grin Scott gave Jim was charming.

"Can't wait," Jim clapped the men on the back.

"I've missed you all," Jim said, then embraced each of them. "Thank you for coming."

"It was our pleasure, sir," Sulu replied. The three men saluted and left. Carol noted their departure was as abrupt as their arrival.

"Did you ever see Sulu so anxious? Or Scotty?" Jim shook his head. "That was very odd."

"They were nervous yet happy to see you." She took Lucy from his arms. "Are you going to open it?"

"Now? Should I?" He frowned. "They shouldn't have given us anything."

"James, thank you for accepting their gift. I do think they want you to open it, and we have somehow found ourselves a moment alone for you to do so," she said.

"I just...I don't get many gifts." He examined the wrapped gift reluctantly. "Opening a gift...is...hard."

His crew knew this about their captain. Carol's stomach fluttered at the compassion they had just showed Jim.

"I know," she softly encouraged him. "Go ahead."

Jim fumbled with the wrapping. Carol's heart broke at his awkward movements. Eventually, the paper was off and he pried the lid open. In the dark, she could not see its contents but the candlelight illuminated his slack features.

He looked confusingly at the box and then up to the mingling guests, his eyes even more brilliant blue as they searched.

"What is it?"

Jim looked at her with disbelief.

"Brial'lel, it's..I don't know how, or even when..." Jim stared back down to the box in his hands. With a trembling hand, he lifted the gift out of its box. Carol's breath caught.

"They found it," she whispered in awe, overcome by the selflessness of his crew.

His father's medal dangled from Jim's fingers.

* * *

The wedding was over. Sam escorted their mother back in the house. His brother hesitated at the door, looked back at Jim, and winked. The medal was theirs now. Jim had taken it away from them long enough.

A warm, petite hand nestled into his own. He held his daughter with his other arm. Jim had been given a second chance before at life but he never imagined he'd get another chance at love. He never imagined his family would be returned to him.

Jim made a silent vow as they stood one last time outside the farmhouse. He would do whatever he had to do to keep them together. He would never, ever let them go.

"You're happy," observed Carol. "I love when you are this happy."

"You married me...again." Jim grinned. "Who does that?"

"The woman who loves you with her whole heart."

Her words were so sincerely spoken that they reminded him of what he had lost and the two years he mourned. His smiled faltered, then disappeared altogether. He couldn't pull her close enough.

"You'll be okay, James." Carol said confidently.

"I know," he said. He would, too. He had his wife, his daughter, and his beloved ship and crew. He breathed the evening air, relishing the moment one last time before they closed this chapter and began another. It invigorated him. It reminded him of all the things he loved about life.

Now he could smile at her.

"Let's go home."


End file.
